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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2016:

1. The magician's land - Lev Grossman
2. The Rest Falls Away - Colleen Gleason
3. Wither - Lauren Destefano
4. Fever - Lauren Destefano
5. Sever - Lauren Destefano
6. High Stakes - Dick Francis
7. Kau kata dadaku adalah sebuah sajak - Finn Anuar
Saturday. 2.18.17 9:03 am
I now remember why I was so crazy about a Hong Kong movie called the Duel. I was so crazy about Andy Lau's cool character. It's like he was the coolest guy (based on a movie) in 2000. Just look at him in the picture

So cool, right? And in the movie, he was a fabulous fighter. He moved so fluidly. Well, which girl doesn't fall for a bad guy?

Ugh. Andy Lau is good looking. I can't deny that.

Aarif Rahman is also handsome. Ahhh....

I think I can have a harem of handsome guys.

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Sunday. 2.5.17 9:50 am
My heart suddenly became frenzy when I read the Whatsapp message about my friend explaining how he would contend with his life working in the think tank or a research centre and then follow by opening a martial arts centre.

My heart suddenly threw me with an urge to have a life goal like this friend followed by the number of my age. And I could feel how I can't breathe when I compare myself to any other friends about my achievements.

Despite that I can feel my body is telling me we are not like that. My heart being a rebel replied back with fear 'why not?' The replied I heard was 'That's not our life path.' And immediately I am back to normal.

It's not my life path. This is a very powerful reply.

If you think about it, we all have our path and yet it is, sometimes, so hard to follow our life path because it is discriminated by our society or we don't have the courage to answer the calling. Or whatever reasons known to you only.

What's my life path? I think I can feel but I don't have the courage to follow yet because I have something else to settle before embracing.

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Happy Chinese New Year!
Monday. 1.30.17 6:29 am
Well it's been a month since I updated here. Well nothing much interesting happened other than someone stole my limelight during an audition yesterday.

Anyways, I didn't let it bother me somehow. I was happy to receive a huge red packet from my tarot teacher which was unexpected. Perhaps he sympathises me when I did mentioned that many of my friends are not giving me red packets with the reason 'you are my friend.' I don't see the difference of that sentence with 'I don't want to give you." It's funny how we are so obliged to come up with a reason. I no longer come up with a reason for that because I am not obliged to owe anyone a reason. I am nowadays pretty frank. I got better things to do.

I am year older. That's right but I never thought much of my age except of my appearance. Haha.. I could never escape from the fear of having wrinkles!!

Happy Chinese New Year humans, by the way!

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i should think
Thursday. 12.22.16 10:16 am
or i should not think.

i am tired or rather extremely frustrated. i was just talking to another friend about how unhappy i were about the friend in my previous post. he seconded that i should be learning simpler songs as the baby step to strengthen my basic in singing. therefore stop singing those hard songs until i master those simple songs. he even gave me examples to justify his reasons.

when i heard that, i flustered in a second. i also justified why i chose to practise difficult songs as part of my learning. it's simply because i attended vocal lessons before and my teacher chose such songs for me to learn. i remember it took me a long time to be able to sing them well amidst the period i have difficulty in accepting my own voice. i have come to the point where i was able to sing well (not like a pro alright) for a beginner. i practice a lot. and i stopped for 6 yrs.

then he said i should not listen to the teachers because they limit my skills and... they only want the money and not really prioritising my welfare. i was so mad, again. what is wrong with singing damn difficult songs for a beginner?!

as i was drafting this post in my head, i recalled the choir teacher in new zealand taught us singing with foreign folk songs. that was where i developed interest in choir singing. that period was my most enjoyable singing sessions. nothing can replicate them. ok. i have to admit the choir teacher did teach us songs that are simple to sing. it took him 3 months to make us sound presentable for event! and you know what? yes the folk songs were simple. but it was still complex and harder than singing those difficult songs. we were separated into 4 groups without knowing who is in alto, soprano, bass and tenor. he just said 'ok you go here.. there' and then sing! when we were separated, we had to memorise a given tune and memorise it and then sing!! while trying hard not to be distracted by other group's tune!! yup, that is choir! like Pentatonix. each member becomes an instrument and then combine into a melody. that was hard! but i love it. it was so challenging. we think singing those high pitch is difficult. actually the most difficult part is to maintain your part in one single tune throughout the whole song. were the folk songs difficult? not really. they were enjoyable to sing. i even sing one of them now. ok. i have learnt those folk songs. and now what? did i sing them according to tune? can't verify because many of them are not found on youtube. and these folk songs can be sung in lower or higher octave. there is no wrong or right. do you sing your folk songs exactly by its tune? you just sing it as what you remember and assume that you were singing at the right pitch. unless you go back to history and youtube the creator. that's why it's called creativity.

so i go sing twinkle twinkle little star? ok. i went youtube and search for those rhymes. those kids sang in such high note! and it's just about some stars! ok ok renaye stick to the pitching... but hey! it's some damn high note! and all i wanted is to practice hearing! i think i scored better with those vocal warm up exercises on youtube. to be frank my hearing is not that really bad.... it's just about confidence. it's just about scoring well.

so why was i so work up again tonight? why did i let others to tell me how i should improve my skills? i should be listening and filtering what works for me. i should know my own learning skills. i am an old adult now. i should know what my learning skill is by now. people can tell me whatever they think is right but only I will know what works.

yes, teachers may just want my money and not teach well. then why do we go to university? especially in this age we can learn anything from the internet, why then we still go to university? moreover we pay a hefty sum for just a piece of paper at the end of the education? why?

my friend mentioned that top hollywood actors went to the most prestigious acting school like juiliard to hone their acting skills. why do they then go to acting schools? why not learn on their own? those teachers should be of no quality because if they are good they should be on screen... not resorting to teaching isn't it? so why do they go to those famous acting school? WHY?

so why can't i learn singing from a teacher? yes, i can learn on my own but i still need an expert to tell me how i can further improve. to sing on my own has the danger of singing within my own comfort zone. "oh i can't sing this high so i will sing a note lower. ' if so how do i improve?

then.. why do those famous japanese singers have vocal classes? ayumi hamasaki, the top japanese singer, was sent to new york to learn singing. why then? why do those singing contests like the voice have judges mentoring those short-listed. why? these participants are good, why then further coach them? why not let them learn on their own? why then? if you watch these reality shows, you will hear the mentor's comments on their mentees like why he/she chose a particular song for their mentees to sing.

i know they meant well. were they encouraging? no, i feel they are limiting myself instead.

the same thing. my teachers can say anything they like but it will be up to me making decisions.

these teachers have been there done that. i am paying for them to pass down to me their knowledge inclusive the parts they have gone wrong and right to be where they are now. they have the experience.

yes, there are people who don't need external help but i am not one of them. i know i m the type who learn faster if someone teaches me.

for this friend whom i talked to tonight... you were the one who told me don't listen to others that will be including yourself because what you have been telling me is very contradicting.

i am feeling better writing this long. till then.

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Monday. 12.19.16 8:22 am
I had two karaoke sessions on two consecutive days. One is on my own and the other with a friend. This is a friend I have mentioned before - the one whom I got brainwashed from that commented those movies I won free tickets are not worth watching but turned out they are fine. Anyways, another friend commented that people don't appreciate free things. So why bother?

Ok back to the main topic.

I was complaining to him that I didn't have space and privacy to practice singing on Saturday. Being an impatient person overall, I hate sitting doing nothing while my brain is spinning at light speed on what I need and can do to work towards closer to the things I wanna achieve for the week. So on the spot, I went karaoke on my own at a nearby outlet. The price was affordable especially during lunch hours. I dragged myself despite under the weather. I practice on my own for 3 hours. Well, I paid per head for 3 hours - that's their package by the way. I did a lot of vocal exercises too which were suggested by a vocal teacher and some from youtube. I know I still have mistakes but being alone and listening to my own voice.. I at least have space to learn more about myself. I was satisfied with my practice for the day. I mean... it's definitely better than nothing.

The next day this friend asked me along for karaoke. I know he was being nice to take me to practice by driving me to the same outlet. So I just said yes to go again on Sunday without telling him I was already there on Saturday.

When we met, I told him that I needed to practice singing because I was called to prepare a second song piece. The first piece I presented was Memory from Cats. And he replied 'it's your lucky song' or along the line 'lucky.'

The more I think about it today the more I feel it's not about luck. Don't know why I am so work up. It's about recognition for the courage and effort I have invested. It's about taking action. It's about making the right decision under pressure. It's about ME. Luck comes along when I invest my energy and take action. Thinking more, I don't like to be told 'you are lucky to be chosen.' Try thinking of the things that you have achieved. Do the things that you want just fall onto your lap? Well, if the person gets into accident, do you say the person is lucky to be in accident? It's calamity! Aiyo! I remember lamenting to my vocal teacher that Kelly Clarkson sings so well and I am nowhere... and she replied that Kelly works hard too to be the winner. What I am seeing is just the exterior. I don't know how much she has invested in herself. I think I have remember my entrepreneur friends never said they got lucky when they get investors and such. It's all about effort and action.

I didn't sing Memory very well. I have not sang for like 6 years. And I was damn nervous to be just asked to sing a song on the spot. But I just did because I got nothing to lose. Jamie Foxx once asked "What's on the other side of fear?".

He and I sang a couple of songs with me singing Let it go the most repeatedly. HAHA. He first commented which I summarised that I need to fix my tone deaf and pitch. I can pick up the notes well but I have issues of not liking my own voice. This is something I have to work on my throat chakra. It took me years to shed the belief that I cannot sing that my voice sucks: These are not my beliefs but I wore as my own. He told me to record to listen to my own singing if I really wanna improve. He added that I should sing children rhymes instead to practice on my pitch because I have a tendency not to sing at the right high pitch. Oh well, that's because I don't like to hear my high pitch voice especially the transition from low to high pitch. Insofar, I sing high pitch songs like by Kelly Clarkson which I have no problem in hitting those notes. I actually wanted to tell him to mind his own business but with a pinch of salt I listened to the suggestions. And so he played children songs for me to sing in the karaoke room. I know it was extremely funny but it was embarrassing for me but still I persisted because I really want to improve. There must be a reason why the Universe sent him there right? I actually did also explained to him that most songs I sang were suggested by my teachers in order to improve. I usually don't have ideas what to sing. Funny right? It's because I don't sing for leisure. I always get the teachers to choose songs that enable me to improve. Competitiveness inside me doesn't allow me to put aside chosen songs that I dislike. I would just suck it up. Otherwise how would I improve?

Oh. He can sing well. That's why he commented on me. That's why I didn't fight back. Because he was sharing indirectly how he learnt on his own. I am the type I prefer having a coach alongside because I learn faster when someone tells me the mistakes. That's also because I don't have the time utmost space to rectify my mistakes. Besides, that explains why people get mentor right? It's a shortcut in a way.

Well, since yesterday, I would karaoke on my own again. Yes, I used to record my own singing to see where went wrong but not anymore when I have a neighbour who stays at home all the time. I don't want to disturb the family.

Whatever it is, wish me luck! Haha, what paradox!

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Waltz not alone
Wednesday. 12.14.16 10:08 am
This is a topic which I don't like very much.

I first heard about it was about 10 years ago when a collegemate got rejected by my closed friend who was also my collegemate. We were all friends la, put it that way. At the beginning, this rejected person and I always chat on FB just to catch up with each other but not anymore after I put a stop to his insult on the friend who rejected him. I understand that there are girls out there who has or work hard to get the ability to make any guys to fall onto their knees. Whether or not this friend of mine uses this method I seriously don't care because I know she works hard to achieve the things she wants. I know this friend of mine somewhat has the ability to make guys fall for her. And I know how much this rejected guy asked me to learn the art of seduction from this friend. He said it's the best way to be rich - yea by seducing rich old man. The reason why I stopped talking to him is he was so bitter that he got rejected that every word he said about our friend was full with menace. The last straw was commenting that she seduced people to fall for her that they are her play thing. No, darling. True or not, you don't judge her like that. Leave that to god.

10 years later, I am hearing this again from a new friend. He managed to get hold of a 5-year old picture which I got no idea how. Thanks google. My privacy somehow got exposed. Now I understand why my Singaporean girlfriend was so crazy into changing here and there to prevent her profile to be not accessible. Anyways, I see myself as normal in that picture but he was so captivated with that photo that he was telling everyone that this is a hot babe photo. We laughed and we teased him for being my stalker. But I was totally uneasy. Because I have already said at the beginning 'that I can't give you what you wanted.' Don't play hide and seek with a psychic, boy. I can absorb compliments but what he said later were something I don't wish to hear.

Again. I have the cut and look to make any guy fall for me. Even if I do, I don't wish to do so. This is not me. It's not who I am.

Another question why only I involved in something new like what I have been exploring since August? I have other goals which I prioritised. And now I can feel I am bringing back all of those goals which were buried in my heart long time ago with more urgency. Are we going down? Don't know it's just feel right to do so.

I sometimes ask myself if it's too late to start something new. The answer I always receive is I am wherever I am meant to be.

He asked why I didn't join any beauty pageant because I can win. I know. Do you know that when I was 6 years old my dream occupation was to be Miss World? My teacher went gag. But I caught a glimpse of myself on the stage at that age.

But I chose a different goal in later life.

Whatever it is, it's giving me goosebumps when this friend is telling me to learn the art of seduction especially in bed. I don't like it. I don't like this kind of power. And I don't see myself wielding this kind of power.

No. I shall use my own way to achieve what I want. Otherwise, just be single on the dance floor!

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