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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
what's ur problem?
Thursday. 3.30.23 2:47 am
i think i lost another friend officially.

thinking back of the conversation we had was really petty, and i'm not sure is it necessary for him to be emotional about it.

as asian and due to my personal upbringing, i'm extremely sensitive to words like 'i miss you' and other emotional words. on the whole, i'm alright because it means i've done something right in the friendship. but to hear it from a friend who already has a girlfriend, i seriously don't welcome it no matter how open the girlfriend is. i draw boundary extremely clear. i don't mind having a meal/coffee with you, but pls don't ever say those words to me.

so when he said that he missed my meowing, i replied 'time for u to get a cat bro.' then two banters, then he replied how cruel i were for not acknowledging his misses. like i said, i'm not used to hearing such words. how should i response in the first place to a guy who has a gf? so in the end i was frank with him that i acknowledged. i'm not sure if i acknowledged too late when he said he was worried about me for not being able to complete my masters on time as i have to have a lot of client contact hours. so when i replied about this is that he didn't need to worry about this because i've this somewhat under control. then

and then the next reply was 'go away... meow....' x2.

and then a few days later, i messaged him asking how he is... he replied in a manner where i felt not welcome to message 'what do u want.' he did entertain a little. and then when i asked how he is.. there's no reply ...

so two days ago i messaged him asking if he's still feeling hurt/raw from my reply, there was no reply until today.

so ok.. i reflected on this since our first reply, and i seriously not sure what went wrong. my reply? his attitude? i seriously got no idea, and i'm tired to think about it because i've been sick for the past 2 months. on almost daily basis, i develop arthritis on different part of the body, and others. i'm in pain all the time and i still have to cope with my studies and client interviews and ensuring i'm not provoking the crazy tigress at home.

i'm super tired. not mentioning, i dislocated my left shoulder, and could not use it for 6 weeks.

and now i've to spend energy in nursing this friend's emotions? he knows very well what i'm going through. but i seriously don't care if he takes this into account.

all i really want to ask him is 'what's ur problem?'

last month, i asked him for his thoughts on our medical dr's professionalism, and he kept barking at me 'what's your problem?' without acknowledging my emotions, and the issue. and gave me unsolicited feedback that i want him to meet my benchmark that i cannot accept his eccentricity. i took that feedback with buckets of salt.

the conclusion of my reflection is that he compared our patient-dr relationship with this eccentric dr. to be honest, ours cannot be compared at all. i visit this dr on monthly basis where he only visited the dr only thrice, and then complaint he is not good at all because that one jab he got cannot cure his eye problem. the dr and i never promised that he would be healed with one jab. my regular visits to this dr became his 'evidence' that the medication i'm getting is not good at all.

about benchmark, it's true that i want this dr to hit some benchmark, because it's customer service. i don't care about the eccentricity if he could attend to my symptoms, but i'm talking here about customer service benchmark. don't ask me to accept him overall because i'm not his friend. all i asked is that this dr don't harass me 20 calls when i didn't make payment on time as promised. at that time, i had severe arthritis on my right hand, only operating with three fingers, and one of them is not a thumb. and my left hand not mobile. and i had to attend to a client during the promised time, and i told him i would be late in making the payment. he didn't need to say 'U PROMISED ME" in the msg over and over again. this was the first time i could not make payment on the spot. it seems he also harassed my other friend like this too, resulting my friend hating to see him again.

oh, mind you that one jab of this dr's medication had helped him walk without experiencing pain anymore in a day.

and yet he kept commenting on my regular visits to support his claim that this dr is not good. and yet i didn't slap him back with any comments. all of us are free to comment what we feel about the medication.

and yet, you want to be sensitive with me for not saying back 'i miss you too'?

what's your problem?

anyways, because i don't want to spend so much energy on him anymore, i just deleted his number.

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Wednesday. 2.1.23 9:30 am
so ... i've been gaslighted by a bunch of people for just asking honest questions in class? i mean is there anything wrong with asking for confirmation what time the class ends on a Chinese celebration festival day? and i'm celebrating it.

at first, i may have felt myself for being obnoxious for being direct to others, but in reflection, i really got no idea how to be less direct. coz i'm asking real valid questions in class like 'so do we submit in xx or aa form?' when the whole class is giving different answer?

i've been told that this situation is affecting my relationship with my supervisor, and there's an expectation to fix it. i agree when i'm the one that always prioritises relationship especially i need it to make things work. but for this, i'm at loss. on reflecting, i can't see how it is my fault for being critical on the procedures and instructions of the assessment. can u imagine the exam questions can contain question outside of your textbook? and u shall bring that question into your coffin for trying to think why you haven't remember that syllabus when it's not even covered by the lecturer.

how can i be less critical? am i not allowing myself to work in a non-perfect order? no. i figure myself as flexible, but can be rigid also, but as long as i know the rules and order clearly, then i can work freely to my whim. all i am asking now is to gain better clarity, not because i've nothing to do. r u telling me i cannot ask questions to have a better understanding? i didn't ask irrelevant questions. because i ask 'stupid' questions, all of you have clarity/confirmation on what you understand.

why am i the only critical? there r so many others in the group, why didn't they voice out? why am i the only one? because that matter has not affected them, until the deadline is near, or they r the ones who suddenly got confused with their information at hand.

by not answering my questions in the chat group is to avoid conflict, by also hoping that some answer would appear on its own.

i talked to some individuals from the group, and they also realised the instructions were unclear and inefficient. some discrepancy was glaring. unfortunately, they won't voice out.

well, i get it. being selfish is the best policy to move forward.

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it's all about the money
Friday. 9.23.22 9:42 am
my anxiety about the inheritance comes back to me again. i really hate it.

it's all about the money.

i overheard my mother's conversation with her lawyer in discussing openly if she could sell the properties which was bought in joint names when my father was still alive. i remember how at the beginning she was such in a reverie of converting every damn asset of the person she hates until she found out her late husband bequeath his properties and his assets to his daughters, only leaving the cash bank to her. and for that, she hated him more.

she hated him for not leaving everything to her.

she hated him for seeing her children getting their share, lesser, than what she got in total out of the will.

i have never seen how a mother could be jealous of her own children's inheritance money. she has more cash than her children. and the properties give her monthly rental that is equivalent to a fresh graduate monthly salary.

and still, she hates him to his core in the ashen bowl. if you hate him so much, why do you yearn for his money like a beggar wanting the moon?

because nobody makes enemy with money.

even i would not give away all my inheritance just to make my mother happy because nothing is enough for her.

i have been informed she is contacting the lawyer who made her will. and i'm curious what she is gonna do next. cross her daughter's names out of the will? and what would you do with all the cash then? bring down to the grave?

i thought the aftermath of anxiety and the battle of will is gone. it's never really evaporated from her mind eh.

i don't like conflict, and that's why i'm having anxiety about this.

it's amazing though to see how she flirts with the lawyers, doctors, and many more with her pitiful story as a victim of the oppressed, suppressed, and bullied.

that's why people say never judge the book by its cover. if you know me well, it's the opposite. otherwise, why do u think i need to see a therapist?

people usually see a therapist because of the people in their environment inflicting their pain onto others. therapists always attend to the victims, not the other way round. because the bullies don't know their actions are called bully.

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the unsaid reflection
Wednesday. 8.10.22 6:11 am
the cruel prince story still reels in my head. thanks to my curiosity last night for stumbling accidentally that there's a story told from the protagonist's identical twin. the synopsis said it's the things she wanted to say to the protagonist but didn't. in other words, it complements the volume 1 on certain scenes unknown to the protagonist.

to be honest, i tossed in my bed a for a few minutes reveling in volume 1 especially book 1.5 entitled the lost sister which is the POV of the twin sister.

so with my curiosity screaming at me for breakfast, i decided to dive into the book. it's just around 30 pages. and i read it gullibly. it was so good. the mystery of certain scenes had been justified, and now the readers are privy to the sister's emotions.

but it had left me deeply reeled in the topic of love.

oh well, i'm not gonna warn spoiler ahead because if u read the synopsis of all the books, u'd know that the theme is love, and finding home in a place where u r not welcome. and ... i went screaming silently on my bed for knowing the synopsis for book 2 and 3. what a huge spoiler. and now i want to dive in those books.

but back to the topic...

so after reading the book 1.5, u will know what the sister did was all in the name of love. u can say love is greedy. but i conclude it as love is addiction. when u have tasted how delicious it is, u'd always want it. and also the sister is just using her own way to find her home.

the book somewhat hits me hard. like Glasser said, the founder of reality therapy, that every behaviour is purposeful, that we all behave in a way to achieve something we want. and that's what the sister's actions spoke. it hits me because it made me question my own state.

everyone wants to have a happy ending, you know, including me. are my actions or whatever i'm doing now is making me nearer to my relationship goals? am i really healing myself or just ignoring self-healing?

or is it i'm training myself how to live a life being alone? with no intervention from whatsoever kind of love?

this hits real hard. where is my compassion for myself?

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faerie series
Tuesday. 8.9.22 3:18 pm

i have read a few of holly black's modern faerie tales before, and i felt they were quite meh. predictable. and meh.

but the first book, the cruel prince, for the folk of air series was so good. i never expected this book can be soo good. i forgot to breathe while reading the climax. i didn't know she could plot this well, and the sentences were so simple to move the story.

well, she must have polished her skills so much since the last time i last read her book.

and now, i'm seething with sadness of my own writing skills. sigh.

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time flies
Tuesday. 8.2.22 4:13 am

today is the first anniversary of my father's passing. i actually almost forgot until i recalled seeing him in my dream this morning. it looked like we were in a white mall. he and i were walking but on the opposite end... i saw him on my right just walking slowly... and then we ended up in the female toilet. he was the only male in buzzing female loo, and disappeared when my mother and sister came out from the cubicle.

time flies.

and today is just another passing day like yesterday.

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