Books I have completed reading since January 2018:
1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
What's with them?
Monday. 8.6.18 11:27 pm
To date, I have been hearing things that are totally not pleasant to the ears and I have been writing about it endlessly. A few days ago I got another one which I don't really like at all. Maybe it was meant well but I just don't want to see that part because I am fed up of listening to others. Nothing comes out well for me if I do so.
So what was said?
My friend and I were talking about instagramming, the followers number, how to increase bla. And suddenly my creativity style was being judged. If you are instagrammer, you would know that the prerequisite to get more followers is to have a theme and stick to one filter. If you see mine, I have no such thing. Mine is so random; from traveling picture to minimalist posts. I just thought life on instagram would be a waste for just being one dimension. And sometimes each picture has different filter because no one filter suits all. So, I got irritated when I was being told that I should not try to follow the trend or some photography effect I saw on IG. The justification was all those popular IG tend to have only one style. So why am I experimenting this and that? Why can't I?
Yea. Why cannot? I don't see why not. There are so many effects out there I would like to try.
I don't know why this episode stuck in my head for days. But I can feel this is forming a cage around me. It took me so long to trust my judgment when comes to editing my pictures. At the beginning, I could hear this friend's words (it's not nice) in my head whenever I took picture on my own or editing. It was a nightmare. I felt crippled and I have to tell myself Nike motto all the time.
As time passes, I learnt on my own to edit by watching youtube or just playing around with Lightroom. I now able to edit the pictures nicely until I have too many versions of the same picture. Haha.
I told another friend about this. Her opinion is this person thinks his advise is the best. Well my conclusion is he has found his style and he forgot that I am still exploring. AND I am not a boring person who settles for the same old thing.
Why am I bothered to begin with? Because I cannot understand why would a person says such thing. Don't they realise they are limiting others? I am sure they don't because they have been conditioned like that too so they are just doing the same thing to others. Pay it forward, unappreciated.
So what's forward for me? A training for me to defend myself from such people. Maybe I need this because maybe I would meet more such people like this.
I think I am just being too nice to this people for not slashing them.
Monday. 7.9.18 4:56 pm
I don't feel like waking up for a long time. If only I have a remote control to decide when I can get up.
I know my mind was just screaming fOr help just now and yet I could nOt tell anyone about it. My family would only tell me to die.
Why do I allow myself to suffer so many years mentally under my mother? I think it's time for another cord cutting with my mother. I don't wake up the next day and other days. I want rest.
Friday. 6.29.18 1:02 pm
Recently I have been looking up for tutorials in making certain filers for instagram. Seriously it can be a full time job. It takes me hours to decide what filter to use while my other friends did it so fast.
Haha. I am just a pain in the ass perfectionist.
Here's a tutorial that I want to know how to whiten a picture.
Do you have Instagram?
Monday. 6.18.18 2:07 pm
I see choices.
I see hope.
I see that the choices that I make will bring me closer to a better reality be it for myself, people surrounding me and even nation.
My left inked finger shows a choice I made for my nation more than 30 days ago. I chose not to surrender to a reality that I am not aligned with.
My role as participant of change is far from over. It's just being changed to audience role.
I will still be observing...
Saturday. 6.16.18 10:32 am
So what are the words that being said to me which I did great injustice to myself?
1. "So I didn't know you have been busy sleeping around."
What did I say before that? "Yea, yesterday I went yumcha with my girl and boy friends.
We were just instagramming and catching up. Right.
2. "You are being so rude."
What did I say before that? Just poking your radio. Ok my fault. But you said so many mean words like "Oh she has no talent at all" to you group of friends after introducing me. Another famous one is "I don't like your confidence."
Of course, mind you. I was just providing snippets of the conversations.
3. "Oh you are just being picky"
What did I say after that instead of slapping you? Well, everyone wants to have a happy ending including me. Don't you agree?
You just can't simply get your friend to marry someone for the sake of having a relationship for God sake. If you are happily married, I am very happy for you but why pressure others?
If you are concerned about my welfare, why not say it like you really mean it instead of a patronising tone?
I am picky, so? If the guy who is tackling me is violent, abusive and a narcissist, should I still say YES to them? I should say yes even though I know they will ABUSE me physically, mentally and emotionally during marriage? Yes? Just for the sake of 'getting married'? If you were me, would you do it?
Whose fucking brilliant idea is that?
So tell me, how should I handle such friends?
Saturday. 6.16.18 8:02 am
I never expected to go ballistic in the car with an acquaintance last night.
Seriously. I usually don't go screaming in the car like a possessed female. I was shocked myself. Hell, ya.
Look. It was actually a small matter. My friends and I were at the cinema watching Ocean's 8. My friend who was sitting beside me kept talking to me in between of the movie which I was actually not really fine because I prefer silence but there was one moment I think he was too noisy so I just hushed him.
And the cold shoulder began.
While on the way to drop an acquaintance home, I was told off his rules of watching movie. I think it was more of his rules which I need to obey if I ever watch movie with him again. His style is to discuss while watching the movie if not don't watch with him. He also stressed that was what friends do while watching movies. If I don't want to talk, then I should just sit somewhere in the cinema except beside him that night. Well, I think I remembered that correctly.
Well, I could detect the cold shoulder right after the movie ended because he was only talking to the other friend and totally ignoring me. In the car, he was talking to that friend only while ignoring me.
What was running in my head at that whole time? Should I really not hush him at that time? What was the right thing to do? Let him go on and I should reply him accordingly. I don't know. Hushing was just a natural thing I did. It was intuitive.
I actually held back my tears and humiliation when he told me off in the car. At that moment, I really wanted him to drop me so I could go home with public transportation but I continue to stay in the car because it was midnight and I don't think I could get Uber.
After we dropped off the friend, I think he kept on talking and I was... you know what this guy was droning about his movie rules and never hold back and going on full straightforward mode why am I being so kind in holding my tears. So ok tears dripping gently and I still held my tongue. Because we all know sometimes once we lash out our tongues we could never go back because there are some words are not meant to be said no matter what. I thought that is some rule that everyone knew? Sometimes it is not our entirely fault per say we still break it down diplomatically ... but last night was so raw in the tone ... in the words like there will be something happen to me if same shit happened for the second time.
And then suddenly I went ballistic...
Things get ugly? Didn't know. Never knew what that means. Just because he said no one messes with him? And so he is trying to flex his ego muscle? So what does this mean? A nice guy that still has emotions, right? I am bias? Who is not?
So I said things I don't like about him. And then he said it was me who started off first. Right. I just touched his shoulders so yea maybe I signaled he can do the same to me but I didn't mean you can 'touch' me more than that. He didn't touch my sensitive places to be fair but fast forward ... a girl who wears short skirt didn't invite to get rape right? Ok. Something like that.
I went screaming that I was not given a chance to apologise and he assumed I was not going to hence that talk. Again, he kept explaining if I had apologised the minute the movie ended he shall be alright. I did actually thought of salvaging the situation from deteriorating after dropping off the friend. I want to do it privately.
Oh, I can't because it's not part of his standard operational regulations, hence I was told off.
He did mentioned we don't know each other well enough so should not that to be taken into consideration.
I believed he felt much better after throwing out what he didn't like about me but didn't calculate my reaction. Right. Sounds like the guy I dated who said mean mean words and then I dumped him in 3 days. Haha.
He said he thought I would be able to handle those criticism because I was mature, I was experience. But you forgot I was a human with emotions just like you.
I screamed and cried, loud, in the car. He never thought I would react like that. He never thought. I thought that was convenient. This is how the world works? Just say whatever their want without thinking of the consequences or not deep enough?
Why did I even react that way? Because I was tired of being nice as in holding my tongue from slashing while they just do exactly that in my face as though we are talking casually like how delicious this food is. And I don't like to be talked in that tone again. Now I understand how my mum feels whenever we talk to her like that. It was very condescending. Ok. I got it.
So what happened in the end? I am still hurt from all this aftermath and yet I don't expect everyone to be empathetic and understanding, and better, to handle a person in pain. I don't just because I know how (but still learning to improve). We need to be a good listener to others and also when we are speaking.
Wait. I didn't answer my own question. That friend? Again. Although I told him to be a good listener, he was still saying patronising words unintentionally.
Conclusion. At the mean time, no more movies or yumcha (having coffee together) with anyone at the moment. I need my moment of peace and time.
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