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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
full blown
Tuesday. 5.28.24 11:39 pm
wahhhh... i never thought i would have an argument with a friend who happens to be a clinical psychologist. i think i officially label them as having one screw loose in the head.

actually what happened last night was considered as minor, but it became full blown heated one sided argument, which i thought we could talk it out as civil as possible given that both of us are from the psychology area. boy, i was so wrong. it turned out to be extremely vicious name calling/labeling, until it could scare any vampire to go out in the night.

i just gave her a criticism as civil as i can about her communication skills, nothing more nothing less. the focus was her communication skills, but the way she looked at it was me attacking her purely for what she is, from her personality to her appearance. the moment she answered me back, in a way that i was the gaslighter, manipulator, i already knew this was a bad bad conversation which had no probable ending, and it's gonna be ugly. and all i could think was how to exit.

there is no point of continuing to give a constructive, diplomatic criticism to a person who allows me to do so, only to weaponise my points instead to fortify her dignity and ego. it was eerie to talk to an angelic looking full blown psycho.

unfortunately, any type of criticism is considered as a form of gaslighting and manipulation. she was not wrong as the critique was given to tell her how to protect me emotionally, which in a way, telling her to change her original self to suit me. however, i also agree that not all criticisms should be rejected. if one person felt a thorn, don't u want to wonder if others felt the same thing too?

in my conversation with her, i strictly focused the tiniest part of her communication skill that i believed everyone was affected by it, whether or not, they mention it is a whole different story. she can be seen as a strong character, and to her, last night was two strong characters logging heads. in my point of view, it was a one sided nuclear bomb site to see me off to heaven. she kept indicating she was listening to the criticism, but each time i responded with relevant info, she would manipulate and gaslight until i've to question my own thinking process. i knew she has been very open about her friendship/relationship issues, and i just said don't u want to know why those relationships went off so bad? wow. pure trigger. she then said i weaponised her trauma, i brought up her past to make my point. err... to where u r right now is an accumulation of what u did.

and i've already smelled trouble when we had dinner together, and the spiritual reading i gave her. if she were to recall my reading for her, i've also touched on her communication skills. and throughout the whole conversation, i never brought in this reading or her personality. i just focused on her directness that pure directness hurts. and this was the whole point she was fighting to protect - to be herself. she kept saying i overthink how this is an issue while trying to prove her point that her real friends never mention about this 'weakness' of hers.

to the point, she brought in ridiculous claims that i was jealous of her beauty. that i was jealous of her achievements. wah. that's so far fetched. that's actually crazy. i'm 10 years older than her. beauty, youth, and achievements, i've tasted them. why do i have to be jealous of? i'm just amaze that u don't have diabetes for drinking so many milktea in a day.

and the whole night, i never once uttered how our conversation was enlarging my thyroid to the point i cannot breathe well, while she was spewing how cruel i were in manipulating and gaslighting her.

wait. she can't even know that very well, that she had to use chatgpt to analyse our conversation. and stupid AI affirmed that i was gaslighting her. wah.... what the hell. i was fully aware of my own conversation that i didn't manipulate or gaslight her. i was hoping to talk as civil as possible.

i wanted to leave the battle mid-way, but she said i should end it since i brought it up. so i tried, and then another round of ammunition from her. wah. i just died again for no reason.

i have to ask my other friend to analyse the gist of our conversation, and luckily my friend was pretty chill, gave each of us a prayer. i never knew this girl can be so vicious. now i kinda see the other side of her, and it's not angelic as her name indicated.

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another round of scare and confusion...
Wednesday. 5.8.24 3:17 pm
i'm supposed to work on my discussion of my research report, but instead i need to listen to my heart palpitations because my heart is scared and confused about the unspoken future of my mother's wants.

she is currently working on her income tax stuff, and she likes to make something big out of nothing, and this is where my heart cannot relax. because i don't know what she is gonna do to MAKE me do her unspoken bidding. she would go wailing on something hinting to me implicitly to take an explicit action to resolve her issue. or she would simply tell me directly indirectly to do something out of the blue without asking if i'm ok with it or not. I HATED BOTH OF IT.

And this was why I was so feeling suicidal in february, because I told her nicely that her communication style in conveying both of it was unhealthy and causing me anxiety. and that was where she played the fucking victim, and exaggerated the story that i want to avenge on her biggie.

who the fuck is the poor storyteller here?

i can play this way: just fog whatever shit she wanted me to do implicitly even though it's not gonna solve the issue for good, but temporary resolve is better than nothing. and it's a good way to avoid a war, which contain some stake especially i have not planned far, or rather i don't have the resources yet to be independent.

i know many people would comment that with my current resources, it's impossible not to move out and be independent. it's a valid point, but still impossible for me because i want to rent the whole unit instead of a room. as i get older, i want space to my own without sharing with anyone. i want to have my own toilet. i want to be wherever i want in the house, not coop in the room because i rent a room. the best solution would be renting a soho, which is expensive here, and far away from public transport.

and i don't have a fixed income. i can't be renting a place for a few months, and then come back home with my tail in between, right? my plan is to leave for ever once i step out of this home, and u know what? where i'm currently living is my home in my name. so basically, i'm the house owner, and i should have the power to kick my mother out of this house, right? so why am i the one acting as if i'm the bad guy that needs to leave? or why does the good guy need to leave the home in the first place? how is this considered magnanimous in the first place? am i not endorsing a bad behaviour or her amnesia in behaving badly?

communicating reasons is impossible, and it seems tolerating is going to be impossible any time soon.

so what should i do in this context? i'm seeing patient is the viable solution in order to maintain a peaceful relationship but at the expense of myself.

like just now, she declared she didn't want to go out of the house for any meals as she would be occupied finding information for her income tax filing. and she wanted my sister to pack us food. my god, she is so fucking lazy. based on her behaviour history, she would be watching drama or idling on her laptop/phone for hours and then go screaming into the air for not knowing how to search for her income slips as a way to call for help. i can imagine having suicidal thoughts again later tomorrow in order to cope with the pain, because my body unfortunately still remembers the trauma she caused me. the fawning, the frozen, the flight, the fight are real. u can't just tell the person ignore it.

if that really happen, i think i would have to camp at starbucks to do my work. and then just tell her, i would pack her dinner. that sounds like a plan.

man... why do i have to leave the house for a fucking insane person? why do i have to leave my home just for some idiotic person? she ain't worth it.

what am i gonna do if she go wailing of how pitiful she is in finding all the info? close the room door and wear head phone? sounds good. i'm always doing that.

but i know she will come knocking on my door, asking me to do the browsing for her. because she didn't want to learn.

what the fuck.

i think this is where i have been telling myself, i need to get away for a few months in order not to see her face. funny, how she commented how she didn't have any jobs recently because she looks ugly. now thinking of it, she is ugly inside out. no wonder no jobs for her. she is jealous of other people, and when she has jobs, she criticizes so badly like God begs her to take up the job.

and she lied again how she has been praying more fervently for job opportunities. no she didn't. i'm always around when she prays, i know how quick she finishes her prayer. in fact, i have been putting in extra minutes to my prayers asking for wisdom for my research report.

maybe my life lesson now is to walk away from my mother. why spend another minute being unhappy like this? i'm hitting 40 next year.

and yea... i've been on nutang for what?? coming 20 years? geez!

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first time in 14 years
Wednesday. 4.24.24 1:40 pm
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what do i feel?
Saturday. 4.20.24 2:16 pm
you know, in counselling, the question that's being asked the most is 'how do u feel?'

i seriously also don't understand the significance of that question, but i still ask away in my sessions.

surprisingly, i heard myself asking myself that question in my head.

well, you see, my mother is going abroad to visit a relative, and she has been repetitively asking me about the international charger. i got no idea what kind of plug is used in the country she is going to, and she kept asking whether our international charger can be used during her travel or not.

i also repetitively replied that i don't know. i seriously don't know for i'm drowning in writing up my thesis that i am so stress that i went shouting in my room when i'm home alone, and having migraine constantly.

while my mother watches her drama on youtube, netflix, wherever she could access, while playing her phone on daily basis for an average of 7 hours.

and i've been asked what plug is being used there?

i told her at the beginning to google, and she didn't.

and she ASKED again a few minutes ago, if she could use her international charger during her travel.

and AGAIN, i replied her to Google.

and she replied "I got no time.. I've been busy."

Why the fcuk should i be responsible for her choice?

in a passive aggressive manner, she 'googled', and informed me that the country she's going to used D or G plug, which she didn't understand, and....

i got no idea what does she want me to do...

so i told her to google again what's D or G plug..., her facial expression twitched in hatred for that one second, while looking away, and disappeared into her room.

i saw it, and i hated it.

i'm supposed to resume my thesis writing, but i was affected by that reaction that it's consuming me now.


because i don't know what will happen in the next minute... is she going to be mad at me? if yes, what is she gonna do to me? what kind of hurt is she going to inflict on me as punishment?

and this was where my question graced "what do i feel?"

because in between those two paragraphs, i actually had darker thoughts which was i can't wait to not be associated with her. would i visit her grave?

a strong resounding reply came back a NO.

but why is that that i'm more willing to visit my dad's grave than hers? because he inflicted less hurt? maybe we didn't interact a lot.

and i interact with my mother on daily basis.

to be frank, i don't feel like talking to her ever since my suicidal/pain ideation in last feb. why do i want to talk to a person who is unempathetic who only sees her own pain over everyone else's?

why do i want to spend any more of my lifespan on shitty people?

why am i feeling fear of the injury she has the potential to inflict? did i say anything wrong?

i didn't do anything wrong, because really, if she can search for the movies and episodes she wants to watch on YouTube, then her research skills is not that bad right?

i'm prosecuted for just telling her to be resourceful? that's my mistake? the more i coddle her, the more i'm accommodating her bad habit, and giving her positive reinforcement for her bad habit.

what do i feel just now? fucking irritated because i don't need to waste my lifespan on people like this. if u have friends who don't appreciate u, u would also leave right? then why can't we apply the same analogy to family members?

so just now, she DID that AGAIN. she asked me to start her car, which i don't mind, but i often forgot which button. so i asked which button, and her eyes squinted with annoyance, and again disappeared into the room.

this time, i disrupted that pattern, and told her off not to cut me off when i was talking to her. of course, she entertained me with her annoyance face.

and she answered me with great annoyance.

i seriously wanted to tell her to fuck off, and i'm sick of tolerating such rude behaviour...

i seriously consider what happens if one day she and i got into a huge fight that there's no turning back... i did consider of selling our current living place, and cut ties with everyone in the family, as a way to earn freedom.

there was one time, i actually said out loud to her if she's not happy in this house, then let's just cut ties, and live separately. we would certainly have an INCREDIBLE potential to lead a happier life.

why not?

we r living together because we have no choice of lacking resources. living together means leveraging on each other's resources. if i have unlimited money, then i can live without her right? she can stay wherever she wants, so do I.

then i don't need to see her face, and hear her voice.

i don't really care if some people who have undergone much more severe childhood emotional neglect trauma than me telling me to forgive bla bla bla... coz i'm very sick of being in the same room with a manipulative person. i have spent my whole life service a manipulative person, and still want me to spend my old years serving such human?

my future doesn't have my mother. it's only me, and my dreams, and the peace that i want.

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smoking cold
Sunday. 3.10.24 11:59 am
my mother went to china, and now complaining how cold she is now.

oops i have a role to play in that too, but miniscule one. i just told her that her thick pajamas may be heavy for her luggage. and i forgot she is now having a new luggage with new technology where these luggage now are so light... that we now can put a lot of heavy clothing unlike last time where the bag itself was heavy.

can't blame me entirely because my mother packed her clothing in the wrong way, and she packed the wrong clothes to china.

i may not have traveled much, but i still have some exposure experience to all seasons. so i told her that she was bringing the wrong clothes to weather 5-20 degrees and she told me in an annoying manner that she is gonna be wearing a heat tech underneath all those t-shirts. i repeatedly telling her that she needs to bring more long sleeve, and a few more thicker clothing. she replied me confidently that her heat tech would make her warm.

luckily she brought two thick jacket.

anyways, i'm sure her friends that she went with would be indicating how stupid she was when it comes to traveling. i could have told her to roll her clothes instead, but i know she is a stubborn woman, and likes doing her way.

when i asked why her luggage was almost full, and it might be overweighed, she didn't bother to hide her victimisation facial expression along with how offended she was. the only thing that prevented her from exploding at me how i bullied her was she knew i had done my traveling bits to many countries, thus my experience nonetheless is still valuable. but she avenged it by purposely throwing my receipts discreetly, and of course i caught her before the deed.

what an assh*le.

anyways, i did my part to sustain her survival there by giving, actually loaning, her USD100. it's not much but at least some extra money to exchange for local currency. i think she didn't even think of it.

and she called her children fucking asshole.

if she returns home, and curses me, i think i will just tell her karma will eat u up soon.

so sick of attending to a narcissist. and yea, she keeps complaining on WhatsApp how suffering she is now with her wrong wardrobe.

karma just in on her now...

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which version of truth this is again?
Wednesday. 2.21.24 5:22 am
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