Speak to My Finger

teardrops just wanna rushed out from my eyes even though i was trying to pick the right words for the opening here.

this week i was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease that finally explained my unidentified pain that has been coming up for the 2 past years.

it was a sad news to me, because this AI can be aggressive but can retreat into remission. and seriously i told god, give me a death-causing illness and i will move out from this home. so looks like i need to find opportunities to leave this home.

anyways, i should consider leaving seriously because the bitches in my home are becoming more vile day by day.

unrecognisable vile in a home of the lotus sutra. yes, we pray to nichiren daishonin buddhism and i don't really give a shit to hide this identity, because nothing can uplift this betrayal.

when i told ... see i don't even want to use the word 'mother' because she doesn't deserve to be called that... just treated my disease announcement like nothing happened. her other daughter? nothing at all.

as i'm typing, i'm seething with hate for these two bitches.

i have opportunity to alleviate my physical pain, but no the other daughter screwed my opportunity. she bought a health machine which she initially wanted to share with us, of course we chip in too, and then suddenly she changed her mind. and the woman called mother managed her way to use the machine. except me.

and daily they both use the machine and another two more health machines at home. so of course, from a glance, they r much more healthy than me, right? they used 3 machines to maintain their health.

and u know what they like to say? in summary, they like to say 'you know i'm sicker than you.' so they pushed or rather punished me to do all the housework chores. of course, it's hyperbole, but unfortunately, it isn't. i actually do most of the housework chores. while both of them just sit and watch drama all day especially the oldest bitch.

to say she cooks... it's very rare nowadays. so to spend her time waiting for death to pick up her up, she goes out with friends, travel, and watch drama. she only washes the balcony once in a blue moon.

really.

her daughter? hmm... she is her maid, and i'm the maid of the oldest bitch. so what do u think? i'm everybody's maid.

and that was the requirement for me to continue living in this house on 11 september 2024 when they asked me to go commit suicide. i really feel like making a police report about it. i need to gather my courage to ask my police friend.

so two days ago, both of the bitches had a verbal fight for very small matter. but on their face, the daughter didn't like how she had to 'extra' housework' now since i'm not doing any now except mopping the floor.

i don't throw rubbish now because my hand is always in pain. to be frank, i've been waking up to pain at different parts of the body every morning for the past 4 months. i now wake up with anxiety because i don't know where i would be in pain..

so anyways, they both fought. and then while the daughter was doing dishes, she was saying something about me knocking down her stuff during moping a few days ago. she said 'u didn't even say sorry...'

bitch. u don't deserve an apology from me. u should apologise to me first. kneel down and apologise to me, and sorry mate, i no longer accept apologies now.

i even lambasted my good friend in the game i no longer accept apologies now. so i don't know if we r still friends now, because i'm fed up of receiving apologies now. it's like apologies are the permission to repeat the same old bad habit.

i regret for not spitting at her for her to apologise to me first.

and then the old bitch went cranking at me 'to wipe the dishes drier' as she discarded the rubbish outside of my home.

i could not believe my ears. i had told them for the past 2 years, my hands r in pain and losing grip....

so i went to the entrance of my house, and screamed at her that i lied about my AI and the pain?

yes, i wanted all of my neighbours to hear it. she refuted by calling me idiot. i screamed back at her 'be mindful of ur words.'

and then her daughter attempted to instigate her to stop cooking meals for me.

oh wow. i saw the whole interaction, and was amazed by the smoothness of her negotiation. luckily the old bitch could not understand what she was saying so she just brushed it off.

what a fucking evening la, anyways.

i also told the coordinator at my employer's place how these two bitches accused me of lying my condition and pain. she was a guppy for a few minutes. because my whole family work in the medical line.

and i won't stop telling people what these two bitches had said to me last year and recently. they bullied me.

and yesterday i caught up with a friend, and my heart went out to myself. she was telling me how she and her parents tried to help one of her siblings without even her asking them for help. they just volunteered. and my friend just rescheduled all her stuff just to help her sister.

and then i thought back about mine. it was like my heart was grinded over and over again.

the health machine she got was capable in attending to the physical pain i'm having , yet she never offered. nor my mother help asking her if i could use.

all i could see is that what a selfish mother who only thinks of her own pain.

so why continue to live in this house when they make it clear that i'm unwanted?