Speak to My Finger

well, there's no improvement in my life to date.

since my last update, i had been evicted 4 times already. it was stupid. "just split the inheritance" was just thrown out simply just to shut me up.

i was very well aware when i said 'to cut ties' because what they need is a maid, not a family member. i now have to be aware and understand that this issue is on them - not wanting to understand the situation. so they won't care if their responses would hurt me or not, because it was me who 'hurt' them first. not the other way round.

selfish bigots.

what happened in september threw me off very badly until i had heart palpitations, causing my medical issues haywire a little. the new dr i'm seeing picked this up, and advised me to relax more. if only i could tell her the real cause. her predecessor knew it, because the dr also picked up and said 'u r stress... not because of ur medical condition.' i refuted, and he just went 'ur pulse don't lie.' i had to give in.

i didn't do much to relax, because it was impossible. i realised i was forcing myself to move out. i was already the exit, on all fours on the door, but not stepping out, and i had this foot pushing me out. the more the foot pushed me, the more i resisted. this was what i had been experiencing for the past few months. i was working out the money in my head. yes i had some inheritance, but was i expected just to spend it all?

true to her words, her agent came back with the price valuation. and my agent came back with higher amount. i did play in my mind that i could just go to any asia countries for my phd. i can afford to pay with cash. but i'm just tired to think about it at the moment, because my plan is to get my license first.

yes, i graduated with masters now. i'm a wounded healer. i was guided by the universe to take up this masters... i know i'm still guided by them, but it's just me not willing to loosen the grip on the exit door....

because there are so many uncertainties... i'm not scared... i'm just tired to be on the adrenaline rush all the time to fight fire.

all i want is to have a long break. my initial plan was to stay in japan for a few months. but i didn't take action. i wonder what happened if i took action earlier.

but it's ok. if i did, then i would not have done an international project. there's pros and cons.

i have to make peace with the 'could have been' and move forward with my plans for 2025.

i know the universe is the foot kicking me out of this house, and my family members were just playing their role in actualising the lesson that i chose before i was born.

still, it hurts.