Speak to My Finger

a few days ago, i became serious in cutting ties with my family members. i told my sister that we should sell off all the assets so i get my portion to leave this family.

my sister was calm in handling the news, and the following day she told me in a 'game' manner that i should stop renovating the room, and she had gotten agents to appraise one of our properties. i, still raw with pain from the day before, swirled in confusion... i don't want to relive the pain.... so i'm gonna cut it short by stating that i was so stupid not to see the truth all this while... what veiled me, for god sake? how can i not see that what they were doing is that 'no speak of it = no issue' while me try to get them to 'see the issue.' they don't want to see and know, while i wanna fix it before it gets bigger.

so the conversation between me and her ended very badly as in i found the source of my pain. there was one moment that i looked at my mother for help, who was just sitting, and watching drama in the same space as us, but i realised i should be resolving it on my own.

right. in the later of the conversation my mother jumped in and said 'you're the one' that caused this ruckus, that i always bring up the past, echoing to what my sister was saying. well, the past is your resume of doings that put me in pain. it's just i'm recording it unconsciously, and i can't help to feel disappointed over and over again.

this time i feel more pain because they both just admitted that they don't have kindness, empathy, and compassion for me. my sister can even say 'if u want to commit suicide, go ahead, i won't stop you.' i didn't know my sister has changed to a such cold person. she was not like this in last February. at that time, i was triggered by countertransference, and she at least, like anyone, tried to prevent me from killing myself. and now.. what a bitch.

i'm recording here as an evidence.

that's the most painful discovery i had to date.

then someone asked me the following in some span of this unhappiness erupted:

1) do u have anyone to protect u?
2) why r u fast forwarding ur life now?
3) where r u right now?!

the first one was by a stranger upon hearing my argument with the family.

the second was by my friend who is a lawyer whom i contacted to ask for advise in will nomination. and so he was so worried and he kept checking in on me whether i'm gonna kill myself or what ....

the third by a fellow gamer friend who i only know virtually for less than 100 days asking frantically the other fellow gamers i'm closed with if i'm online 'now' or not... what i'm doing... am i gonna kill myself.

as i'm typing this, i'm crying. because of what my sister said. how can these three people who don't know me well at all can show concern to another human, while my sister and mother, a Buddhist who keep praying on daily basis to have no compassion for another fellow human being.

they r not even buddhist. religion doesn't matter, you know. in fact, it never matters.

and my mother still treated like nothing happened. to me, something big happened and it was just ignored in the room. it's crazy how can that something that serious happened... and just treat it like nothing happen. ...

that's what my pain is crying about. i'm not an attention seeker, but i'm in so much pain that they are not seeing my pain. and i don't know how to grief this pain....