Speak to My Finger

recently, i decided to play some zombie rpg game. i didn't become addicted, but it became a habit to keep on looking at my game. you know, you need to level up your heroes, your shelter, and keep farming like crazy so your heroes grow.

and i need to join an alliance in order to grow better. which i did.

i first simply joined a small alliance. i happened to work well with one of the active members, and then suddenly many active members left the game, including the alliance leader. so only left me and this active member. we both held the alliance as long as we could. i felt attached to this member as i had no other members to talk to other than him. so really. we both were the only members alive in the game. there were still other members alive in the game, but they don't respond at all. really. i'm sure they read the messages, but they just ignore the messages again and again.

i seriously got no idea why.

until i felt i was trapped in this small alliance. i wanted to grow my heroes. i wanted to take on more challenges in the game, but they usually need more active members to cooperate and i could not get the others to do so. they could not even do the basic that is relocate to the new alliance land, because our previous shelters were scorched to the ground by another alliance. yet, they refused to move. this member became the alliance leader, and i followed him to our new land. and then i became totally dependent on him to complete my daily missions, because some missions cannot be done alone. sigh.

and i grew annoyed because he didn't go online frequently. i already started thinking of joining other active alliances. i was already scouting.

and then 1 july, i jumped ship without saying farewell to this alliance member. i did ask him if he had any plans for the alliance. if he had said that he wanna revive whatsoever, at least it would make me stay. instead, he replied that he felt comfortable with the status quo. oh my.... that's when i jumped.

he messaged me to confirm if i had left. i said yes. at that time, my heart tugged at me to invite him along to the new alliance. but i didn't. i just say goodbye in that message instead. for the next few days, i felt so guilty for not inviting him. i realised i became attached to this member. the simple reason was familiarity.

the new alliance has a lot of members, but only a handful is active. i acquainted with them quickly, and grew in ranks quickly too, because my troops are not that weak, and i'm considered as active. and i kinda enjoy my time in this new alliance as we participated in the game activities. don't think it's just a game. the host has a lot of weekly activities that require team work. and the best part is we are able to grow our heroes without the need to purchase anything. of course, if u were to buy stuff, you would be able to grow your heroes quicker, but it's not really necessary.

anyways, we have been active, and yet, my guilt still tugs at me every now and then. he dismantle the old alliance, and he joined the alliance that burned our shelters earlier. and that's where my guilt really bit me. even though it's just a game, i felt animosity towards that alliance who kicked us out of our land out of the blues. i could not understand how this member could join the member. and shortly, he left the game. i felt i'd invited him into my current alliance, then perhaps we could still play together....

it's too late..... i have come to the decision to let it go. because he also reminded me a few times. it's just a game.

and so today.. i felt sad again because one of the active members in my current alliance suddenly left without saying goodbye to me. i had to message him and asked why. i already guessed that he had found a permanent home with his own country people. and i cannot stop him from doing that. the new alliance he joined has a lot more active members who are stronger than me and other active members. i can't stop him from flying higher in the sky.

he kinda knew i was sad. so he sent me his new home coordination, and i saw his home, as if that would nurse my teary heart. it did, for a bit, though. and now i could feel some fat tears leaking from my eyes.

because i grew attached to these active members.

i did recruit some new members, but they don't seem to understand how to play the game. they don't farm at all, or upgrade their troops. my troops were way stronger than theirs when i was at their level....

by the way, this member who found a permanent home has another account in my current alliance. but still the future experience i'm gonna have won't be the same as his main account. as he now needs to juggle his both accounts, and one day he would have to choose which one to prioritise.

i need to read on attachment in video games.... it's been a long time i'm feeling like this...