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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
No room for others
Wednesday. 2.14.24 11:46 am
I really wonder how do those researchers came to a conclusion that narcissists have no room for others in themselves. How do they know? They cut the brain of narcissists?

Usually I will cry more when i'm not being seen or heard. But this morning when I told my mother that I could not tolerate her violent barrages on her children just to make us kowtow to her demands, and how she communicated her wants and needs triggered me a lot that awakened my suicidal tendency. She brushed it off by threatening her whether I want to help her or not. I don't remember what I replied, but I caught her rare awareness of her own actions. Usually she forgets that she hurt others. So she responded that my sis and I also like to shame and scold her in public, as though i'm taking revenge on her. I threw hat her back 'why do u think that happened?'

And then she just walked back to resume her prayers, and then shouted 'if I don't want to help, then don't help.' after prayers, she then messaged my sister manipulating what happened between us. By saying

"When I asked her for help she wants to commit suicide whole night no sleep.... She wants to take revenge on me for ill treatment on her."

Hang on. I did say I was suicidal, but I said the way she treated her children triggered me, and my suicidal ideation. And the revenge was something she puting into my mouth. Last time I would want revenge, but now, I just leave to karma to do the job. But trauma authors explained that I was mirroring my mother's communication when she was younger. If she was reluctant to take care of me when I was younger, and indicated in her communication and the way she made me feel, then I would have the tendency to mirror that when I become older, because I learn after her. If I have enough awareness I can stop myself behaving that way, but it's hard. It's like u have snakes, if u dislike, curling around u, can u act calmly? Show me if u can.

Because of my parents, their children so fuck up. My sister is avoiding her emotions at all cost. And she thinks I can't see through.

At 0200, I texted my friend to arrange a counselling session the next day, and she listened to me for 3 hours straight on. Very kind indeed.

And then I realised why I was so triggered because I don't know what she wanted. She likes to disguise her 'teach, help, guide' by asking u to complete everything for her. She won't lay her finger to do anything. And if you can't do it well, then she will have the faint hint of blame like 'how come u don't know? I thought u r good at IT'? Yea? Then how come u don't cook African food if u r good at cooking.

Real asshole for changing the context and words of our conversation. Can I make a story out of this manipulation dishonest version of story?

I'm gonna chat with another senior about overcoming my trauma. I don't know what triggered me truly. I'm triggered twice in the span of 6 months, and this morning was severe of all.

Well, you think people with trauma can overcome trauma with sheer will power? Do you know how tempting it is to take a pen and stab my neck over and over again?

How sad that a narcissist, like my mother, didn't even pause to show compassion when I mentioned suicidal. You think I'm doing it for attention sake? Maybe that's what my sis thinks coz she commented being suicidal is just benefitting her. Excuse me? What about me? Is it about winning? To what end? I cannot imagine how a mother just brush it off as though it's nothing. She is more important than anyone else, really there's no room for others in her. What is life like to her then?

I was reading some interventions last night about unavailable emotional parents, that it is also important to know our caregiver's story too. What they are doing is also mirroring their caregiver's behaviour too, or reacting to their own children. Is this why her younger brother suddenly snapped and dislike her?

Maybe I can ask my auntie about their life story, and ask if there was any physical violence involved.

Then... A dragonfly flew by me... I wonder if that's my father saying hi...

Because I could not sleep due to the pain in my heart, a spirit came in the form a cat and slept on my chest, purring. I felt the pain lifted, but the body refused to let go of the tremors, and so I breathed in oxygen into my body parts until I sleep.

I find it how sad that my mother can't even pause and listen to what is said by others. Avoiding pain is not going to solve anything. My friend said that what I'm seeing is her true manifestations of self. Now, she is living her self, unshackled. Last time was she suppressing herself to fit in the society, not now. So now is her true colours. Wow.

A narcissist likes to take pleasure in squeezing others, pouncing whatsoever, as though it's a good sport.

I'm hoping to start something new when I hit 40 soon.



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