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Speak to My Finger
Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
The unethical being
Saturday. 9.16.23 11:08 pm
It took me a year to have the courage to stop seeing this toxic doctor. I was reading my past entries here, which made me realised what contributed to my personality towards this doctor. Don't know if it's politically correct to say that I've been trained well by my mother to have such deadly service desire that in any wailing moments, their wants and needs are more important than mine that i don't matter, like let them wail to death will keep me safe. i just have to be extremely patient and still, and listen to them because that's what my existence is for. so toxic, and as though someone else other than my mother saw that too.

that last sentence of mine above really echoes eerily under my skin now...

i should have muster my courage earlier, especially i was able to see his employer a few months back during the clinic's open day. i actually had thought about it, but i didn't take it seriously. i should. get his contact just in case should times like this crops up, then i would have an avenue to complain.

ok. i'm beating round the bush, because i seriously don't know where to start. which red flags...

ok. let's start with my sister. this doctor was found by my sister first, and then intro to me and my mother because his clinic is just opposite my house. his traditional chinese medicine medical skills are good, better than many of the doctors i've seen, but his communication skills and professionalism are extremely on the other spectrum. he is not very hygienic as for a doctor. unfortunately, majority of the TCM r like that. only one TCM i have gone in a medical university was on par as western medical setting. his was just 'omg' status. my sister could not tolerate his hygiene, so always told him to be cleaner and what not especially she was visiting him during Covid times. but he just acted like 'what's the big deal?'. their communication got so bad until i didn't know what my sister said to him that this doctor called me like an injured boy licking his wounds to his mother. in between the licks and blames, he wailed why my sister did what she did... and playing the innocent victim what he had done wrong... for over an hour. and me... listened to him like a perfect understanding mother. what really ran in my head? well, why did my sister ruin her relationship with this doctor? she didn't need to do that because she may need to see him again one day. this is because it's very hard to find a very skilled doctor, and we spend years to keep searching for a better one... it's awfully tiring. anyways, i listened to him because i was already at that time his new patient and i didn't want to have any conflict with him. i was afraid that my sister would ruin our patient-doctor relationship, and what i did, in retrospect, was a favour to soothe him. he repeated my sister unjust actions onto him again and again ... like a broken player. and again and again i have to reiterate the suggestions he could implement in the clinic.

then... our relationship got better of course, especially since i saw him very frequently as i was taking the korean traditional medicine in a jab form twice a month. it was beneficial because i got to learn different ways in checking my health through the palms of my hand. but on my end, it was strictly professional as a patient, but not him. whatever woes he has he will just talk about it to every patient he sees. and he kept on asking me about some developer stuff which was ridiculously for me to know, and he thought i would know about it because i stay opposite. he also talked about his competitor which was just opposite him bla bla. he would talk about it every time i was there over and over again.

as i visited him frequently, it was easy to observe he has several eccentric behaviours, like he gets panic easily when there is another patient in the clinic apart from me. he would try to rush the treatment on me to attend the newcomer even though i came first. if possible, he just want to dump me and immediately go to that newcomer. it was very obvious. each time, i had to refocus him that i came first, and let them wait. isn't this super normal in western clinic? they just sit on the chair and wait for the doctor to be done? for him, he cannot tolerate that.

my mother never like him due to the way he speaks. he speaks broken english fluently, which irritates me and my mother to the max, but still i tolerate because i could see he makes some effort in speaking it. i have seen many dr who don't even give a shit about speaking in other languages apart from chinese. so alright with me.... since he could speak cantonese to us. but we got extremely irritated when his medicine was too strong for my mother who was recovering from severe acid reflux. he wrote her some herbs prescriptions, and she got to pack the herbs from the chinese medical hall. she boiled and drank, and she had severe healing crisis, which she could not tolerate the burning ache. so i informed him about it to change, and he refused. he kept saying it's customised for her, and healing crisis is expected due to her severity, so she needs to tolerate in order to heal. i understand what healing crisis is, but to be frank, i was at a crossroad. i know my mother lately didn't want to tolerate any level of pain, and if she did, she would try to transfer it onto her daughters, or just find any hole to avoid pain, which to be frank was a pain in my ass because i got roped in. anyways, the doctor said why don't i try it to see if her allegations were true. ok. so i drank it, and yes.. even though my gastritis was not as severe as my mother, i could even feel the gnawing sensation and nausea after one bowl. and i had 2 more to drink. i could not tolerate either. i threw it all. so i reported, and he went into a gaslighting, narcissistic, and manipulative mode that our allegations were not true, and there was something wrong with us mentally. so i said if that's the case, u buy one pack from us, which he did. and .... the next time he saw us, he boasted through the roof that how good that medicine did to him.. better skin and he felt so much better after drinking it... even his auntie drank it had no issues like us... and again the finger pointing at us that we were the trouble makers. until i had to tell him off that i didn't want to listen to the bragging. you didn't need to public ragging on us. we got the message that u r 'holier than thou' and didn't want to listen to ur patients. since then my mother hated him.

i saw him very frequently for my own personal medical issues to take the korean ginseng traditional medicine in a jab form. yup. i said that earlier here...

before i forget, i need to highlight how he violates patient's confidentiality. he likes to inform me this that client did what and what happened to them. of course some was in testimonial form, but he likes to inform me when my friends, who i referred, came to see him and what treatment he did for them... and then once.. he even said loudly to my friend who was skeptical about the jab that RENAYE COMES ALL THE TIME, U CAN ASK HER. i was so shocked to hear that that i was stunned to react. and when i told him about patient's confidentiality, he would brush it off like a pesky fly, repeatedly. the same thing happened even though i hammered him several times on confidentiality that one day there was an annoying patient kept asking me what treatment i had because ... she must have heard my scream... due to the injection pain on my inflamed fingers... he nonchalantly replied 'XXX treatment' in front of me. again i was stunned. and that patient then focused on me and continued to ask... i was so irritated from the pain and from him, and from her that i just kept quiet like she didn't exist. and he commented 'she speaks english' to that patient... until i had to tell off the patient i don't want to talk about it.

ok that's that.

i had it every month like 2-3 times in a month depending my conditions severity if i have flare up. at that time it was affordable especially it could relieve my arthritis in a day. but the red flags were just coming up more... his hygiene is extremely questionable. i don't know where he keeps the medicine because he has to go into the store room with the syringe to collect the liquid, and then there was no needle stand for him to put the needle. so he often just places it on the table without sanitising it. because he has to jab 10 various acupressure points, he just put it on the table like a pen while the patient moves around.

oh i forgot to mention he doesn't wash his hand after going to the loo....

i think what made me fed up about this toxis doctor is that he likes to harass me on the phone. the first time was my sister scolding him.... then each time my friend commented something he didn't like or cannot accept he would call me up to express his wounds... the last time was the worst of all. i didn't know my friend was very aggressive in demanding him to refund her money because he didn't do a good job. i don't know exactly what was their transaction, but apparently my friend threatened him... and then he called me asking me to tell her off that there's no refund. so when i told him she's ur patient so it's ur responsibility to talk to her.. then he shrunk and spilled his wounds.. so i just told him xx xx that he can do to address her concerns. big mistakes? coz he then called me three times in a day for the next 3 days about this issue. one time i had to stop eating my lunch to address this issue for almost one hour. he kept saying what he had done like a victim.. and i had to use my counselling skills to reinforce his strength... now in retrospect i was such a dickhead. i should have just hang up so i could enjoy my korean fried chicken... yes i was so kind hearted that i reinforce his strengths like we were trained to do so in counselling sessions throughout that one hour. and then when i heard his confidence came back, i ended the call.

again.. i was such a dickhead. i should just hang up...

again.. i should have seen that's already a violation of patient-doctor boundaries.. i know it, and yet i let it pass....

why should i be even responsible for my friend's refund issue? i'm such a dickhead now.

anyways.. after that i still follow up for my issues, but by then i was getting sicker due to stress this year. i have to work and study that i have not been eating well nor sleeping well. my digestive issue was so bad that i didn't have satisfying bowel movements for months, and i was bloating on a daily basis. i was so uncomfortable. each time i saw him, i would be telling him how bloated bla bla i were, and he just said that XX treatment i did seemed to have fast effect on u... and then i let it rest thinking i'm going to be fine and the medication just need some time to work since i didn't really control my diet either... this had been on going for like 5 months. the digestive issues were never resolved, and he kept saying my digestive issue didn't seem very serious. even his visiting doctor from korea came and commented how distended my belly was, yet both doctors didn't take any action to help relieve it.

until... i want to validate that my usual jab treatment was not effective for my digestive issue... i went to see my old timer TCM doctor which was far from me. man... he revealed so many issues and then he added 'renaye, u r full of shit.' yup. my poor bowel movement was not indicating that my bowels were clean like this toxic doctor claimed. the bowel's muscles were so weak that it could not push the shit out. i was disappointed that i was told by a different doctor when i've been seeing this idiotic toxic dr so frequently on almost weekly basis, that he could not tell me that? i did get medication from this old timer, but i felt his pills won't be effective for me as my condition now was serious... as my stomach was not absorbing nutrients at the maximum level. i bought his pills anyways to standby.

i totally lost trust in this toxic doctor when i was not told the truth of my condition. because the jab treatment only relieved my digestive symptoms for two days after each jab, i was already on the hunt for second opinion. i m truly thankful to my thrill for having freebies because this was how i found a better TCM doctor in terms of communication skills and professionalism. I think what disappointed me the most is that idiotic toxic dr knew how severe the dampness is in my body, and he didn't tell me the truth. when i complained to him about my water retention, he would brush it off and told me 'oh it's not serious' like it's nothing. but to me, it is a major concern because i don't want my thigh to look fat in jeans. it's serious to me so why r u telling me my truth is not true just because YOU don't think it's serious? as i think of it again, i hated how this idiotic dr belittled my condition in front of a patient. i also have water retention in my eyes, and i remember he said once before that the jab can help with that, and he did twice for my eyes before. so when i asked one time if he could jab to relieve the water pressure in my eyes again, because since the 2nd time, he had been avoiding not to repeat that movement, but i'm not the type of letting go if i don't get satisfactory replies.... then he replied me in a sing song tune 'YOU WANT TO POKE YOUR EYES?' i was dumb at that time, and just said i'm just concerned about my water retention. again, he just brushed it off.

with this new TCM doctor i found on IG... it was purely an accident. the clinic was having soft launch by giving out free consultation and cupping. as a thrill seeker, i signed up even though it was so far away from my house. it takes me 1.5 hours to go there by train. man... anyways.. i thought it'd be just one time off since i'm there for the cupping. but during the consultation, she told me my symptoms without even me telling her the full details. and she kept asking me if i was feeling certain symptoms, which made me truly surprised because i saw this idiotic toxic dr on a weekly basis, why wasn't i being told of all those symptoms even he had taken my pulse? because i was already seeing that idiot frequently, i just brushed off this female dr's diagnosis since i was not having any symptoms like she mentioned, and had my free cupping session. but i returned after 2 days, because the symptoms she mentioned appeared. i even Googled, and validated that what she said was right. My dampness issue was so bad that it had caused me so much of discomfort for months.. what the hell had this idiotic been doing? each time i saw him for a jab, he would only be asking where to jab, instead of taking the pulse and update me where i should be focusing. i had told him many times that AI can do his job if he just needs to jab.

so... i had been with this female TCM for the past coming 4 months, and i could see how my digestive issue improved. at the beginning also she brushed off my water retention issue, but i told her off to never ever impose ur belief onto me. u r trained as a doctor to listen to ur patients, never ever invalidate ur patient's complaint. unlike that idiot, she took note, and since then she just listens to my complain no matter how small it is. i am aware that i underestimated her skills because she is younger than me, but luckily i stick to my belief that there's always someone better out there. this is why my family members are always seeing different doctors whenever we found a better one. so that's why we can tell u which one is good in skills or facilities. we have spent more than a decade using our body to test their skills so u don't have to...

fast forward... i'm happy with this female doctor's skills. so far the medication is working for me, and my keratosis pillaris had decreased... the facilities not that great so is the hygiene but at least it's at the expected level. i'm just a hygiene freak....

i recently had a stye which i thought i had it cured with my old timer's TCM medication, but it was very overdosing mode, and i didn't want to continue down that road when i had a stye in my left. in fact i had two stye in my left eye. and so i tried my luck with this female doctor, because as far as i know, i never heard of TCM being able to treat it. even the normal western gp could not... i don't have hope. in fact, i was ready to pay a few hundred bucks to see an eye specialist to solve it. but god has been kind to me, the female doctor said she could, and she administered a bloodletting session on me. it was interesting because she let out the blood on the veins of my ear... an acupressure point for the eye. i was surprised to see so much blood was let out.. and the best part... it was reduced by so much by the next day! unfortunately it came back again in a day or two due to the heat contained in my body and the humid weather. so i visited her again, and this time she added a guasha to release the heat. this time three stye were gone, two on the left, and one in the right, for good. i was never that happy... and my treatment for this was just so affordable.

and this is where i'm gonna tell u a horror story about the bloodletting session conducted by that idiotic doctor...

so in my last visit for a jab, he was excited to share with me that he would be offering a new service called bloodletting, and it's free for all patients for the first time, and he would like to perform it on me later. i remember replying that's good news, AND i don't need it because as far as i understood from what he said... it's more applicable to people who have some swelling that filled with water or toxin or something like that. but at that time, i had no retention of any toxin.. so i asked can it help with water retention? he said no.. then again i don't need it. then he tried to convince me that it's free so i should have it. again, i asked where do u wanna do this on me? i really don't need it. he tried to convince me that this technique is very popularly carried out by a TCM doctor in Johor for all kinds of sickness. i asked if he has done it before, he said he had, but the way he replied was very unnatural and high pitch, as though he was hiding. i remember saying no again. and then i lied on the bed for him to jab. after the jab, again.. he said he wanna prepare to do the bloodletting. again, i said no. he again said it's not his first time. again i asked where u wanna bloodlet? he said this time thyroid. i asked why? is my thyroid disease a ball of toxins that needs to be released? i don't remember what he said, maybe along the lines for all kinds of diseases, and the white liquid should come out instead like what the TCM doctor produced in johor. because i was lying down, and i wanted him to shut up, i thought to let him do it so he would not pester me again, because it seemed like i was given a choice to say no. he then became so excited that i said yes. then he scrambled to get the materials and work on the poking. when he came with the small needle, i asked again if i really need this service, again in his fake voice, he said yes. by this time i really felt uncomfortable due to the differences in power between the doctor and patient. and when he poke, he tried to ooze the blood to come out, and he said 'HOW COME DON'T HAVE BLOOD?' in Chinese. Then I replied 'isn't that a good thing?' it means i'm fine.' i don't remember what was his reply because i only remember how unhappy he was with the outcome that HE POKE FOR THE SECOND TIME, and declared the same thing "EH WHY SO LITTLE BLOOD?" I was already very scared by this time and I just kept saying that I'm really fine and the XX treatment was working... but he WAS NOT HAPPY AND HE WANTED TO POKE FOR THE THIRD TIME. I went into screaming mode to stop him. Until to today, i felt disgusted with myself how I had allowed myself to be a lab rat for him.. how I allowed him to violate me when I was on the bed.

i have actually decided to let all these incidents behind me for the time being because i feel i still need the jab for the pain in my knee and hands. i just don't want to have anymore conflict, because my friends kept telling me to be more understanding that he is an eccentric doctor. in reflection, i felt compelled by my friends to respect his differences, so i just kept quiet. each time i told these incidents to a friend, each time he will reply me u need to let go... or why the heck i'm such a drama queen and compare how he went to see this idiot without any drama ensue.. coz u r an idiot to began with...that's another story.. anyways.. so i really also thought i'm just being drama... until my mother commented 'don u think that idiotic doctor has some autism?' then it just hits me. he fits some of the boxes of those brain developmental symptoms. he reminded me now a lot of my autistic friends. so i told myself to be more understanding because he is somewhat a disabled.

so for 3 months and more, i didn't contact him whatsoever... and then he contacted me asking me how i'm doing. i said fine medically, and immediately told him off i'm busy and will contact him for future jab appointments. he said noted. and then the following week, he said 'it's time for ur jab for ur medical conditions.' the fuck. again i just keep quiet coz i know his english is so broken that that was a translation from chinese. ok.. i said i'm busy next time. then the following week he said 'how r u auntie renaye?' man.. THE FUCK. I immediately told him not funny. his reply was JUST KIDDING.. HEHEHE.. I WAS KIDDING. i was smoking. i just told myself to ignore. then i asked him about the stye, but he said he could not do anything. ok fine. i just leave the conversation as it was.

almost 2 weeks later, he texted me again asking how i was doing. i said the old thing that i'm fine medically. again he asked me specifically how my medical condition doing, i said fine. he asked again like a broken player. this time i asked how can i help u. he said he is being concerned about his patient. in my head, i said too late. then he asked for my permission if he could share a testimonial. i was silenced because i was busy with my facial appointment and i really don need to know how effective the jab was. the problem is him, not the jab. since he asked for permission, if i don't reply anything, meaning he cannot share right? coz he added 'for confidentiality reason.' but i was wrong.. he flooded my whatsapp with one testimony and including pictures. and then he had the cheek to ask 'can i share another one?' eh idiot, i never even consented the first one... so i replied in caps that i didn't need to read any. then he responded he is just being concerned.. and then... he harassed my mother through phone asking why i did the way i did. my mum already knew his behaviour and also knew i must have said something to him. and mum was smarter than me, she just said then dont send her anymore testimonials la.. and then hang up coz she was actually in the middle of an online meeting. and then he replied me 'I NOTICED U HAVE CHANGED COMPLETELY.'

i was very disturbed by our last interaction... i even talked about it again my idiotic friend who said to accept his eccentric behaviours, and bragged how professional he was when he had treatment with this idiotic doctor. and... last night i realised why i was replaying this whole post over and over again since friday because....

I DON'T WANT TO COPE ANYMORE WITH HIS IDIOCY BEHAVIOUR

but my brain is telling me that walking out is wrong... indirectly i should continue to tolerate such shit... but i could not cope anymore... see what r the consequences are??? he didn't like me... see... he said that i have changed.. it's that what i want??? u don't want that but u did that, didn't u?

i've to find space within myself to fight through all this bullshit overthinking, and stepping out from it is scary because ...

since young i've been taught if i do that i would be paid with violence so i've been trained to cope with shit over and over again until i'm scared of the consequences of stepping out... even though i'm old enough to protect myself.

and now i'm stepping out.. i'm thinking if i were doing the right thing again and again....

do u know what this is? trauma at works.

to my idiotic friend... do u think accepting his eccentric behaviour at the expense of my awareness would bring me peace?
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