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Speak to My Finger
Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
no brain talking
Monday. 8.21.23 1:16 pm
i really hate the way my mother talks. just now, i heard her bullying my sister into doing something. i really hate it. if i were my sister, i would cut ties with the family since she has already moved out of the house. my sister and i opposed to selling one of our father's properties because they serve as an income for my mother. but my mother who only thinks of the money, wants to sell everything my father had. mainly also because she hates him to the core. so because of this, she bullies my sister into doing things to soothe the child in her, which i always feel like telling to fuck off.

she always thinks she is an exception from karma. she is untouchable in the eyes of karma, which is absolutely ... bullshit. i see her on daily basis receiving the ends of karma whipping her for what she has done. like scolding me with unkind words that made me wanna kill myself for all those years... and i'm seeing her friends scolding her now.. karma is real.

the problem is all these unkind words in us, like myself, don't know they overstayed their welcome. in fact, they rule my mind, because i thought they are true. and now, as an adult almost touching my 40, i only realised what a fucking god shyte about it. and it's already too late to train my mother out from her bad habit. at this age, she still bullies me and my sister, and i hated myself for it. i hated myself to allow her to manipulate over me. why? just because i want to keep the harmony in the family at the expense of myself. in the name of fucking peace.

people who don't experience trauma would not understand the pain, the hatred, i have to deal within myself. the so-called demons. that's why it's so important to be kind to everyone, because you don't know what demon class we are all fighting against every fucking second. before you say 'oh be positive', go think if that would help me tame the demon raging, tearing inside me when all i want is to take the pen to jab my neck.

my mother lives in peace because my sister n i have to take care of her feelings. if her demons go raging, we let it scratch us so my mother stays unharm. do u even understand what they heck am i talking about?

my friends like to say i'm choosy when comes to my love life. really? you and my mother r just the same, because u just want my boyfriend to fit your expectations. no? don't tell me you didn't choose your bf.. if that's the case, i help you arrange ur marriage, ok right? i just pick some homeless person for u. that'd do right? why not?

hurt is hurt. don't be a prick to say use all these criticism to make me stronger. it just fucking hurt. and don't ever shy away from my words that you just like hurting people with your words. and i'm happy to be able to just cut off this friend. hurt is hurt. there's no excuse i'd accept to justify ur discrimination just because 'i look like no focus.' hello. i've more life experiences than u. and i never even commented on ur life... so why r u so busy body?

and now.. i only acknowledge feedback from experts. all those people who r not even in the line of my work should just not open their mouth. i teach u one mindfulness exercise to all those busy body. take one hand, and put over ur mouth. do that a few times, until ur brain go mushy. to be frank, why are we so engulfed by those feedback coming from non-expert? are their feedback helpful? not at all, isn't it? i remember someone told me that my crying act is so dramatic. i was super taken aback to be frank. all i could think was did i over kill it? as time passed, i realised i didn't do wrong. acting is all about in the moment. it's the reaction to the here-and-now. there's no right or wrong. and i'm just reacting to the vibes in the air. thanks to my realisation, i was able to repeat my crying scene easily. i'm now more confident in my acting skills. that's because i stopped listening to non-experts. that really gives me a peace of mind. u should try doing that too. just kondo those people away. they are just a waste of space in ur head.

so back to my mother. in the end, i feel sorry for her who doesn't realise what she is doing now. awareness is so important. by being aware, u can live a more enriching life. she can bully me all she wants, and the feeling of regrets and pain will be excruciating painful during death. yea the enlightenment after death is so painful that u r just so embarrassed or simply cannot brain why u just did that during ur living moments. talk to a mediumship for the live experiences they have. their insight is so valuable.

i have a lot of things to say about my mother. maybe next time.
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