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Speak to My Finger
Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Cut and cut
Saturday. 7.1.23 3:15 pm
I realised i'm going to post another incident coming from the same friend.

my god. the number of friends i'm having is shrinking faster than the iceberg melts.

this time, this friend said something extremely unpleasant in my presence. since the last reflection, i have expressed how unhappy i am with him. and i decided to ease my communication frequency with him as in don't chat unless if it's extremely necessary, which by all means means DON'T ever message him again. however, i don't want to be cruel either for he has helped me a lot in the past, and i would like to keep my words that i'd buy him something for his expired birthday.

so believe me, i have not spoken to him more than 3 times since the last post, because our second last conversation exploded. yes, exploded because he accused me, correctly, that we're not gonna talk again (?). i can't help to reply in my head how correct he was, because his accusation 'what's your problem' troubled me a lot... and i feel talking to him is extremely exhausting. like i said, i don't want to be a jerk who forgets one's help, i explained to him in the same tone he gave me that i'm extremely busy that i don't even have time to grief for my friend's passing and sending condolences to her family, which is a fact... in fact, i was so busy that time he messaged me that i was hardly eating well, causing me to have various health issues from sleeping to digesting, and other serious backlog works concerning my clients... hence i really don't have time to reply to non-essential messages like his. to be accused like that out of the blue is very disturbing to me, as though my trauma wounds have been reopened, and feeling the need to explain everything. but i hold myself back, and reflect on the covert message and reply him on par.

nowadays, i get short circuited pretty quickly; can blame on my sluggish liver, but these responses are mostly calculated, because i'm extremely exhausted how easy these people response whatever they want without thinking of bearing the consequences, or the consequences inflicted onto the receiver. being an impatient person, i could not wait for karma to strike them, so i thought i could help them get a taste of man-made karma first while they wait for some natural karma to come in years la...

ok. cut the suspense. so what did this friend say yesterday at the food fair when i bumped into him? i told him that i'm gonna check out some alternative healing booth, and his response was 'OH YOU WANT TO GET CON IS IT?' i was taken aback... shocked... surprised with that response. where the hell did that come from? that suddenly grounded me to make a deep reflection of the source. what made him said that in the first place? what did he mean by con? did he mean that I CON HIM?

i could not digest until today. it disturbs me gravely. why would he said that? i know i have referred him to some traditional chinese medicine dr for his leg condition, which he had been having for years. and his condition was healed with just one visit to that dr. was that a con job? i didn't get anything in return, you know. the dr didn't give me anything free in return. i referred because the dr's medication has helped me a lot, which is why i share with many others.

he felt con is it because the medication didn't work for his deteriorated eyes? man... just because it work miraculously for the leg for one session, and he expected the same thing would happen for his eyes? rome is not built in a day, and he expected his eyes would revert to a 25 year old over night when he is already hitting 60 in reality? i remember he kept on framing the medication as painkiller for working miraculously, and the dr had to explained repetitively that it doesn't. otherwise, the ministry of health would ban the medicine.

i have taken this dr's medication for more than a year due to the severity of my condition, and the constant stress i'm having that my body don't have time to recuperate. so when he knows i take the medication for so long, he immediately comments "The medication is not working la." At first, he said it very quickly, as though he didn't want me to catch it. Now, recalling and piecing all the memories, i think i really appreciate if he could just tell me straight in the face about what he thinks about my recommendation on all these traditional medicine.

i'm up for discussion on all these natural medicines that we have, because i will have such discussion with my family members once in a while to exchange notes: my family members also visit their own traditional chinese medicine physicians, so we all know quite well about how body works pretty well. and we know what to eat to gain health, but it's just stress is a constant annoyance that obstructs our path in becoming healthy. and our diet... ughh.. lets save it for another time....

but to tell me intersperse about how you feel about this matter annoys me to the max. i also realise i have hit my threshold of patience in listening to non-constructive criticism. i won't hold back my tongue in lashing at people, because many don't have the same experience as me in seeing such physicians when comes to health. my family has been practising healthy eating for more than 20 years. and you want to tell me what to eat?

his words have plunge me into reflections over and over again, and realise he is just a shit head who has no wisdom and exposure when comes to health. my family, despite being ugly, is open to receiving information about health, and we dare to experiment anything that's considered as health product. we use our money and body to try out those health products and services, and you want to tell me what's good and not? now, i only can tolerate people who have experience on par with me. i would then have information to learn from, and exchange with. otherwise, i'm just talking to some shit hole like this friend.

there's a booth that cares for the eyes. being a freeloader myself, i tried that service for free and wow.. my eyes can see clearer after putting on the goggles that massage the eyes. when i told this friend about it, he just flatly replied me 'it won't work for me.' have you even tried? nope he didn't. what shit head for saying no without trying.

actually last night, i should stand up stronger. (maybe that's what I truly wanted). he asked me to counsel his family member, which i did in a limited time... and then after the brief session i had, i then realised i could try doing an activity to portray her situation... so i told him that night the activity that he could try with this family member... so when i was demonstrating on him just for 3 minutes, then he suddenly just withdrew and said 'i know what you're doing', and then sank into passivity. the fuck? seriously, the fuck? i was extremely exhausted last night. i spent 5 hours seeing clients, and then met with you for cuppa coffee to perhaps to discuss how some knowledge i have could help ur family member, and u just withdrew.. become passive, and not mentioning the whole night u keep fucking playing with ur phone without interacting with me much. and i had to talk to ur gf the whole night?

how dare you? i was truly angry at myself for letting a shit hole abused my time like that. i could choose to do reports over spending time with you. because he withdrew in the middle of my demonstration, i lashed out how angry i were... his gf tried to remedy the situation, and i gave her face, because i'm not a shit hole like him. now i see a different side of his gf. but still i cannot forgive him for spending time on his phone instead of interacting with me. and yet, he was the one who asked me to have a drink.

shit hole. shit head. go and shit la in the loo. that's more productive.

here's a strong reminder to myself to constrict my boundary more.. meaning no more sharing of information with others.. this is not the first time i'm into trouble. one more is not my fault at all. some shit hole didn't want to drink water and because so dehydrated that he was admitted to hospital, and blamed my traditional medicine for making him sick. hello... how the hell u not drink water in a freaking humid hot country? who the hell tell u to sip water so little that u fainted?

why r there so many dumbos in my circle?
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