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Speak to My Finger
Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Negative kindness
Monday. 6.7.21 4:22 pm
So I just have to write it out from my chest because I have been experiencing this back to back, and it's not a nice feeling at all.

I know I am kind. When friends in need of help, I help them all the way through as much as I can support. I have come to understand I cannot expect them to reciprocate the next time I ask them for help because help from them would come in other forms or sometime in the future. And it's true. There will be people in our life at the right time right place. But for now, I am exhausted. I felt like whatever kindness I have poured into have been negated.

I supported my friend by purchasing the artwork for myself and my friends who have been very good to me. The work is minimalist. I didn't know because the produce was very different from the historical artwork in the collection. I thought what was given to me was a draft. So at first I kept asking whether this is the completed work or not. Of course i have to say the friend actually fulfilled my request to make my face a little slimmer. Haha. Just slightly. So when I found out it was completed, I looked at the produce and realised i wanted to personalise the art by maybe putting the recipient's name. So when I suggested to the friend about name engraving, she said she can think about it. Then I said coz the portrait is quite plain so I would like to put the name below it to personalise. Coz this is a common practise for companies to allow personalisation in corporate gifts. She commented it was minimalist theme. Suddenly my friend blew up, saying never ever comment the artist's work. Even has example like if dislike picasso's work, cannot tell him because that's his truth. yea, of course cannot tell him la. First he is not an immortal. Second, his artwork has been published all around the world. Have you? I did apologise for crossing the border, but I realised I was hurt because the way people tell me what they dislike about me and my words. I bought 4 products to support this friend. No more. I should have told her how she had hurt me when she went around 'forcing' people to reveal her secret santa, which was me. And she didn't even appreciate the food voucher I gave her. She didn't even bother to tell me that she could not make it because she has some commitment on that voucher deadline. So... I used it myself. I never said anything about it. I should.

Then... a friend whom I posted below about the help and how I could not sleep because of his sentence, asked me to support his partner's food business. But you said to me 'go ask someone else for help', right? I should have said the same thing back to u. But I didn't. I even gave u a local platform and encourage u to enlist her products there to test her luck.

And yesterday night, I was given some feedback on some podcast, because I was coughing badly even though away from the microphone. The host just told me directly to mute when i was coughing and time my speech. You could have just texted me and jumped in. I know it's kinda rude for some people to jump in, but just do it as a moderator. u didn't tell people the house rules that we all need to keep to 10 minutes at the start. I was there at the start. I didn't like how direct he was, but I just thanked coz that was useful for me. I will take it. I try to thank it with all my heart though it's difficult. I don't know what am I supposed to learn from all of this, but I know I withheld my tongue from telling him that I don't like how u commented how bossy I was. I should have ask you back how to do deal with people who like to dominate the conversation?

A friend commented my experience as I am kind but experiencing negative feelings. I asked the universe before why, why, why. I keep telling myself that I would stop helping friends. I'm tired of experiencing of this kind of backlash. It hurts. so. much. I'm talkative too, and I cannot adapt to talking to air. So it hurts when I was just trying to interact people. The universe replied because helping people makes me happy.

But this helping business is just sharpening the edge of the knife buried in me every time I receive this kind of comment. I am trying to release it so I can be free from this emotion.

But first, why am I so affected by it? why? is it really the way they talk?

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