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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Sunday. 3.22.20 10:31 am
I have been hating myself for the past few months when I realised this life is not what I wanted initially.

I hate myself for allowing my mother to push me around to be suicidal.

I hate myself for letting myself stooping to her demands whenever she wails. Oh. And then she immediately stops wailing when I give in. I hated myself so much that I am feeling all this anger of hatred in me boiling. I started to hate myself when I realised how disgusted I am when I gave in to her cry not to employ her friend for a project I am in charge of. Yes, it's a project I am in charge of. My mother is involved in the project but I am the fucking head. Why did I gave in? Why did my mother cried in the first place? Well, because the friend is a better PR person than her, outshine herself than her (well in the wrong and ridiculous way), jealous of her achievement in her way that I seriously don't freaking understand jealous bitches. I may not understand completely because I don't rely on this project as my main rice bowl but all I know is seeing a competitor getting so many jobs while I have none is extremely painful that I cannot swallow but what can we do if our fate lies in the hand of the employer? I am doing other freelance jobs where I am seeing my friends got so many of the same freelance jobs that I have been eyeing for without being called. The agent will just contact them and sometimes they have to decline due to time clashes. While me? Applying so crazily and yet no reply from the agent. Am I not beautiful? I am more beautiful and professional than others. But still jobless. So what should I do? Go wailing like a fucking bitch? I can reflect but this is beyond my control. All I can think is to look for alternative paying freelance job instead of bitching of others work opportunities. That is exactly what my mother is doing. Bitching about her friend's job opportunities while wallowing about the little jobs she has.

I hate myself the more she said I should follow her to the fucking supermarket. I HATE MYSELF IN THAT SENTENCE. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I FOLLOW? I GOT A FUCKING LIFE.

Why the fuck am I hating myself for being controlled at the fucking age of 35?

I feel so pathetic.

I can always move out but my ultimate goal is to cut ties entirely. And I have not found a better way than this.

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