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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
When your heart rules
Tuesday. 7.2.19 1:24 pm
I am being so emotional now.

Well that mainly stems from a huge amount of money got burnt for my own carelessness but the provider didn't have to be such a cold person too. Anyways, I will leave that for another day.

There was a post I wanted to write during Chinese New Year (CNY) but I never got the chance because my chain of thought just got cut and suddenly I was lost for words.

Maybe I had typed something simpler like my sister is moving out. She has been saying that since CNY but don't see any action. When I came back and saw she was tidying up the sofa, I somewhat knew she is gonna leave perhaps in July? I am suddenly emo perhaps because I don't know how to cope with an absence of a person whom you have seen and know they are there in your space and suddenly just gone. The way she has been praying recently is really weird and my feelings is telling me she is praying so she has the bravery to walk out of this home and never come back.

Will I be the only child in this family then? Years ago I never dreamt that this would be happening for I thought it would be me moving out for good and never turn back. Who has thought it would be my sister who was a filial daughter to my parents? Who was obedient and prioritised family that would be doing this?

I never know her side of the story but from my observation my parents kinda spoilt her and then in return my sister would say it was my mother who spoilt me. I think my mother was playing us both, that's all, you know like how you gamble? Put here and there some and see which one gives better returns.

My sister acted like she hates me a lot. She used to ban my whatsapp and answered rudely or cut me off before on the phone. I don't really care actually because I am tired.

And suddenly to know the only person to support two elderly in the home on my own suddenly makes me overthinking about my life. I just feel I don't want to continue living anymore. I don't know how to cope. My sister will definitely be keeping in touch with father since he had given her a sum of money to buy a car. But I don't think she would do so with Mother though.

I suddenly feel tired. Tired of being me. How can we have a break from our own identity?

I suddenly just don't want to be alone in this house. Will I be the only child in this house? What does that mean now?

I am tired and I wanna pause myself from trying to define what am I in this house that is if only I can pause a fragment of time. If I can pause time and still move I would gladly do it so I will have infinity time to rest without worrying the clock ticking.



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