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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
To them
Sunday. 6.9.19 8:56 am

At the beginning of this week, I could not let go of the thought that I had to apologise to someone who had offended me instead. Why? Because these are some things that will not leave the nest of my mind until I write it down. Weird? No idea. Perhaps it just disturbs me greatly which it did. Yea. Past tense since it didn't emit such strong feeling now compared t when it just ended. But still bothers me. I have actually decided not to write about it because it's already a week and why want to let this unimportant matter keep playing like a broken record right? It's so unhealthy for my beautiful mind but it bothers me a lot. So why?

Because someone said something that is laughable about this person and me. He said that I am seeing someone because he could see we are always together that's related to coffee. I agree that people often think we are indeed a couple since you can always spot us at cafe taking photographs. Even we got mistook as couple that a wedding planner approached us with their packages. I should have just replied him "We are divorced."

How can I ever get such person as a partner? Unthinkable. So last week I just asked playfully if wanna go coffee. He replied not today. I replied that I didn't say today with a smiley. In return he said "It's that how you phrase your question?" I'm actually dumbfounded. I mean what's wrong with my reply? I was just playing.. don't you sometimes talk like that to your friends too? I immediately apologised and added if I offended you. He replied "It's just so childish >.<".

To be frank, I hated that reply. There are several occasions where I am totally offended by his words like making me feel my outfit is to be blamed for not getting a good Instagram shot or because I don't do normal poses. And yet I just bit my tongue and never really show my true reaction. There was also one time he asked me to do some kind of pose to be photographed and I did. When I saw the results, I was struck. What was that for? He said just for fun. That was SO childish and I was fuming and yet I didn't say anything.

And yet this sentence of mine you said it's childish? If we were to analyse grammatically, I never mentioned the date and time of drinking coffee. So basically I was just asking do you want to drink coffee regardless of time and who and date. So I was not wrong.

I think I am fuming because I was quick to apologise at the expense of my own self. It was not my wrong and why do I give him the power to have the upper hand. It was unjust to me. He didn't even replied when I said "Have a great Sunday." In no way, I am not indicating that I could not live without him though his photography skills is handy but I am at loss now since this is like indicating I don't know how to interact with friends. Seriously? This reminded me a lot of the guy I dated long time ago. I asked him back so how should I talk to my bf then? He just cut me off by saying tired and I cut him off for good from my life. Haha. Karma bites back harder.

So what do I do with this guy? Let him go like how I let my other friends go. I need to be an independent photographer and just meet new friends who can help me take photographs. Some friends commented that he may not even treat me as a friend or I caught him at a time he was restless or just hit the wrong nerve. Like I care? Yea why do I even care when I bet he didn't even think of this offending matter anymore.

Ok I have journaled so I can move on now. So next!


Oh What A Jerk.

You won't believe it that I got offended by 2 guys within a day. Yup. No 1 was in the morning and no 2 was at night.

Here's a public figure who is desperate to be a social media influencer. No seriously. If you see his resume and the awards he have, he's really public figure only in his own area. HAHA. So he came asking me how to increase his likes on Instagram. I have already shared whatever I can and know.

But here's the real problem of his. He wants others to like his posts without contributing to anyone's posts as in liking others back. I suddenly get lots of IG likes thanks to listening to a tip of IG influencer on my birthday last year. His technique was simple: just like some photos within a time frame on some hashtags and people will like your posts back. Hey that worked for my birthday post which hit 500 likes in a day. Ok, I liked a lot of photos on countless of hashtags on that date but hey it worked! I still practise that until today but of course lesser but still the likes on my posts are always increasing steadily. I have shared this with him but he didn't like that idea and yet commented how the number of followers of mine grow!

Yea... it takes two to tango. The most annoying part was this public figure had pestered me to like his photos for the past one year. I told him that if you want my likes you got to like mine first which he did but one and I liked in return 3. I am pretty generous with my likes because I see it as support not some markers. But I got so annoyed that I unfollow him on IG and I think he didn't figured that out, yet. HAHA. I feel so much at peace without seeing his posts. His posts are not that bad but I am into creative photography pictures so his posts like selfies are not my kind. I even unfollow some of my celebrity friends instagram let alone his. I don't need to know what he is doing NOW in order to save the world because he is all talks and no actions. I have worked with him before so trust me. And I am just being so nice for even continuing talking to him.

So what happened last week? OMG. He asked me to increase his number of followers and number of likes. I think it was an order not even a request. Now, I hate that kind of tone. Firstly, I never thought of being an influencer and I am doing it as part of a learning curve - you never know when such skill is useful for my future business. Secondly, his pictures are not really the lot people want to see nowadays. He is not even handsome with only one pack. People want nice photos with nice filters not selfie. Thirdly, I don't give a damn about him.

So after much of telling him to DIY, he strategised that in order to step up his game, he needs to have another public figure to help him out like perhaps taking photos with him so he can post on his acc? He was also complaining how one of our friends who is a socialite can get so many likes in a day and bla bla. I replied that's cause you are not a socialite to begin with. What was his abominable reply? I am a green socialite too. Right... only in your own area of expertise. Our friend is well-known beyond the country! HAHA. And then he said "FIND ME A PUBLIC FIGURE." Wait. WTH? I didn't even agree to begin with or say anything. Where did that come from. Not even a please?

And so I was already fuming. I kept demanded why he was ordering me? He replied because I have already achieved 500 likes per post; been there done that so I am obliged to help him? So I told him of the things I didn't like he did to me especially in our latest reunion, and he had no remorse. It's like it's expected. My goodness. I just banned him on whatsapp. I am not going to communicate with him anymore.

I don't mind sharing but this guy only takes. I wish his wife best of luck if he can get a girlfriend la.


This guy didn't offend me whatsoever but scared the shit out of me for the past few years with deep negative thoughts though they can be part of future reality but there's no point of thinking so much of the future when we are supposed to tackle the problems at present.

What make me so restless is that he keeps on telling me to leave the country for greener pasture. Anywhere as long as it's outside of our home country because the future of minority is dead. Well, that's heavy but where to?

I have evaluated my skills and I am pretty unwanted abroad because I have no specialisation that is on demand in other countries. I tried studying but also thanks to you that I didn't like my course and I burnt a hell lot of money to study in the same uni as you. I should have studied in another uni that I quite like.

But his fear for the future kept growing to the point I also feel there's no future here for me that I developed the urgency to leave the country too. Anywhere but home. And that torn me a lot for a long time.

This happened again a few days ago. The fear there's no future at home to the point hope is extinguished completely. While I was ruminating what to write here, I think he is just saying to others that they are losers for not migrating. You can continue to stay and fight. Well, seriously, why don't you stay and fight too? It's your home too. Why rely on others to fight a better home for you when each of us is a torch of hope and changemaker? We need to do this together!

I didn't get the chance to say that the more he thinks about his fear the more it may realise due to law of attraction. So we need to think of the opposite like I am so scared of the peace and racial harmony in the country. Maybe that would work better.

He ended the conversation with "I am getting out of here next year. Peace sign."

Well, I am sad to hear a friend leaving but if this is his path so be it la. It's not my path unless I choose to leave the country willingly to achieve my dreams.

Oh well, it seems I have been listening to so many other friend's dream or course of action and I neglected my own voice.

Time to shut off from these kind of people for some time to find my own voice....

I feel much better now after letting my mind releasing some needed steam.



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