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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Minor one
Thursday. 5.30.19 5:22 am
Oh well, I have a row with my mother again because I accidentally said something. I said she cannot do her prayers now because she needs to fetch me to office first. By the way why so in the hurry to do prayers before leaving? When she is gonna be in the house the whole day watching movies on her laptop from afternoon till night? And then bitching about having no job? And also she needs to pack food first... so factoring in the packing time I calculated I am gonna reach office by 2pm or 3 pm. If that's the case why do even enter office today to begin with when I am totally exhausted.

So... my mum wailed again that she has dedicated her whole life serving the family... bla bla.. and so when I said I take Grab she said I am the one who always started the fight. Well, you asked me when to leave the house right?? So I tell when to leave la!

I am tired. Really. I realised I am tired due to spiritual and emotional exhaustion. Not really physical. To come home from work to see a mother wailing about having not enough job though she got more freelance jobs than me in a month and see her talking about others is really tiring. To be frank, I don't wanna hear all this. I just want to come back to the silence of the house. I have a lot of things I wanna do on my laptop but due to exhaustion I don't do.

Just now she dropped me off at work. Throughout the journey we were quiet and I was really thinking what happened if I have left home 10 years ago for good. What will happen to me at that time until now. Will I be able to achieve the things that I wanna do? People usually get moving pretty quickly when the condition is not comfortable.

I know I will have change job then because the pay will be too low to support my spending if I were to rent a room.

I may not be doing the same freelance job as my mum just to avoid my family members. It will be awkward isn't it to be in the same venue but not talking to each other?

I will be more independent for sure. I will have to rely only myself to survive. No one else. I will be stronger.

I may even have bought myself a house! This is actually weird. I don't have any assets to date because I have a feeling I won't be here for long as though I will move.

I may even go to other states or countries even Singapore to work! This is exciting!

I may have a cat already! OMG!!! A real what if!

My mental health may be improved since I only have myself and and imaginary cat to think about.


But...

My health will deteriorate because eating out is no good and I won't be spending money on food. And that may even mean I would have been hooked on some life long medicine by now. I would not be meeting my current Chinese doctor who cured me of certain symptoms. I may not learn much on health too.

I would look uglier and fatter due to poor health. No really. I was really fat. I have water eye bags at a young age. The Chinese doctor cured that.

I would not have gone for some international youth workshop and get to know the bunch of people that I am closed with.

I would not have the current bunch of friends that I am comfortable with now.

I would have work full time just for money and further suppress my intuition calling. Maybe not.

I would have totally cut off with my family and I may be home sick. That's what happened for few months when I was studying abroad that I was crazy enough to even think in that second that I will drop EVERYTHING just to return home. Thank god. I didn't. It was the best time in my whole life.


So this SWOT could be quite useful. So what is it that I am not happy about?

My mother and my life. People often say don't disturb the snake if u don't wanna get bitten. Did I? Yes, sometimes. Even if I didn't, she becomes clingy after my sister has stop giving a damn about her and so she turns to me after remembering her fucking other daughter who she never pays much attention compared to my sister.

I'm just tired of this little favouritism game.

I did consider of going to Japan or somewhere for a few months for some quiet and peace. If I were to tell my mother to stop messaging me, she will go crazy.. will go screaming and bla bla. Sometimes I wanna tell her if you are so unhappy in this house why don't you move? She and my sister has said that before to me.

I am still communicating my pain. How can I heal this pain? I am finding this pain a waste of time. I have been depressed for half of my life already. I don't wanna to be in that state again because I would then have to focus all my energy in bringing myself out of it. It's a lot of work every second. I already spent like 20 years fighting this depression and then 5 years on some stupid guy and I don't want to misuse my time anymore. My depression is accumulated since I was a kid that got beaten and continue to accumulate when I was in primary and high school.

Wasting time ....

I want to focus on myself and needs!!!

I know people say our parents spend their energy on us and so we need to pay back. How to pay back? My mother wants the moon and the sky. She can say whatever she wants to other people that shows she is so humble but I can tell you she wants the galaxy. If like this, take back my life. Unborn me. Because my experience has shaped me for what I am because of my unloving environment. Don't blame me.



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