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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
4. Silas Marner
5. A class of act
6. Spiral - Paul McEuen
Monday. 11.12.18 12:20 am
Recently my mother lamented that my sister and I are not strong enough compare to her or her generations especially when she became an adult in the absence of parents, and also not mentioning the responsibility she had to shoulder to take care of her siblings. This environment made her strong she claimed while she added the environment my sister and I grew up didn't make us strong because we still have parents and still relying on parents for our growing.

I was silent when she was 'explaining' because I believe I am strong in my own existence for surviving the mental, physical and emotional abuse caused by my mother since i was younger than 6 years old. How come? Asian parents tend to start beating their child in the name of 'teaching' when we are still toddlers. Really. As I grew up, the beatings, the scoldings, the name-calling never ceased. I had to wade through such substance during childhood and growing up years and the scenes of my parents quarreling bitterly and whatever my father did impacted me a lot until I broke down into pieces which became so incredibly difficult to patch up. It's just impossible to find those missing pieces. The dreams, the passion and the life force that I once had had dissipated. When I wanted to patch up my passion and dreams compartment, I found myself no more energy left because I have used up all to build Renaye mentally and emotionally.

So I am not strong? What do you think of me when I say I have pulled myself out from the abyss of depression where the second time almost drove me to kill myself? To constantly have the courage to feel and hear myself that I don't want to die and to block myself from killing myself is a strength that can move mountain. The thoughts of 'I want to die" will never give up in the head until I complicit into harming myself. Do you know how hard it was to continue smiling and be happy in that mental-tumultuous moment? No. We don't know because we expect people to be happy all the time and never to be sad on anything because it's stupid to do so.

Like my sister said 'Depression is brought onto yourself.' Yea, in a way because depression is also a cause of long-term drowning myself in helpless things that I cannot control.

I have to live and learn to be a repaired human in the times where my mother was learning to be a mother. We have training for everything except how to be a parent. I was like a guinea pig. I always tell my mother how lucky she is that her children never do drugs or alcohol in order to numb our painful senses and existence due to your mental and emotional abuse. We are just poor financially, that's all. How lucky she is.

And now I want to live a life like any other human that has dreams and passions and what I am going to do now is to make one step at a time. It doesn't matter if I am late at arriving at my destination, I just have to make do with what I have now.

Renaye, don't overthink. Just do it. I am strong enough to support myself.



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