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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Getting older
Monday. 9.24.18 3:51 am
Yup. My birthday is just over but this post is not about that.

I noticed that my mother lately has been admonishing my sister and I to treat her better as in to talk more courteously, not rude and help her in doing certain things, actually in everything.

I suddenly asked myself what makes her say that. Oh well, yea, my sister and I can be rude at her at times especially my sister lately. I got no idea why. The way she speaks is very haughty and she sees us like shit. She has been short tempered as well.

I think we all are nowadays...

But she doesn't speak like that to her boyfriend who is an ex now. The way she speaks to him on the phone and also in person was so playful and flirting. But her tone changed when the call ended and the haughty mode returned.

I think that's very psychotic. I think everyone in my family is; I meow don't I?

My mum has been repeatedly telling us to treat her better for she is getting older. I suddenly realised when I was getting older, I never once said "Please treat me better emotionally and mentally". In fact, I absorbed all those abuse like a sponge and took her beliefs as mine. That I don't know if I am really myself since I am still operating with those trauma. How would renaye be like without all those trauma scars?

Should I have said "Please treat me better emotionally and mentally" when I was growing up? I remember one time my mother was telling my father to not beat my sister and I so badly because otherwise we will rebel. That was when we were very young and I still remember that. I remember my mother like to scold me when I was younger for not able to complete certain homework or even not understanding the task at hand. I don't think my mother had the patience in teaching me things. I think she was like telling us so many times that ended up she will just be scolding us for not remembering it. I remember I grew up in fear. Fear to be beaten. Fear to be scolded.

What I am seeing now is actually really "what you reap what you sow." Karma is really biting back my mother even though she raised us. Karma is a dangerous thing.

Now, I really wonder what is renaye like without all these trauma and when she truly loves herself.
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