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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Why bother
Friday. 3.9.18 3:22 pm
I actually wrote a pretty long entry and then I accidentally delete it. Oh fantastic renaye.

I will just summarise instead.

I was looking forward to meeting a friend in an event but no-show up left me kinda disappointed. My guts already told me I should not even attend the event given I was overwhelmed with my medical report and mum's medical condition that I spent a lot of uber trips just so I can attend.

It would be a lie to say I didn't regret for attending the event. My presence was not even needed. Well on the positive side, my presence would be great to show support to the organiser and co-organiser since I was the connector for these two parties. By all means, I should be there.

But if you have undergone the panic feeling when a medical doctor telling you "you need medication now' after receiving your report you would understand how I was feeling throughout the event. My brain was spacing and all I wanted was to get some relief for my condition.

I didn't know it has escalated to so something serious.

Beyond this worry, I cannot help myself thinking why I was so stupid for thinking this friend would even show up for this event?

Well, this person and many more have stopped interacting with me in any forms on social media. At the same time, these very people are still interacting, actively, be it like or respond to the posts of our mutual friends.

Why do I bother so much? Why do I feel so hurt when these friends stopped communicating with me?

Why can't I stop hurting? Why do I still bother? People don't see me anymore as friends other than some trash that is only useful whenever they need. I have lots of resources in the form of connections.

Why do I even bother to help? Why do I even bother to be in a clique that I don't even feel belong? Why do I feel that I am working so hard just to be part of something?

I got to move on! I got to release this so I won't feel stress from such matter!



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