Books I have completed reading since January 2018:
1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
So what is it?
Wednesday. 7.10.19 1:42 pm
I realised I am pretty tired. I think all I want for now is to go somewhere just to sleep.
Ok. I am escaping from another thing that is really bothering me: My mother does not like to hear her own mistakes. I somehow feel very pitiful for her. Whatever monster that my sister has become is actually also part of my mother's doing, and she didn't want to hear anything about it when I was telling her the bit that got my sister threaded on this path to becoming evil. Yea... I have never seen anyone so religious in real life that can be so evil and cruel which I used them loosely for being upright selfish.
And you know what is the story that is playing in my head right now? I was the daughter that my mother never liked. And of course my mother won't admit it and now she won't dare to think this since I am now the one that's helping her around in the house. And all she could do now is to complain every thing about my sister.
My sister has become a horrid person. I am serious. It's not I like to talk about my family's dirty laundry but if it is not would I even say it? If the person is real good, we would all just be praising unless we are jealous or something like that right?
I have been told all my life by these family members that I am selfish and bla bla bla. But right now that has reversed to my sister. A psychic has told me that my sister has moved on from this family. I can see that. I can see that my sister might have pinned our mother for destroying her love life or whatever reasons known to her. I have seen how she looked at our mother. The utter dislike in her eyes....
And now really like mother and daughter... they both like playing victims. And me here trying to summon all the energy that I have to do the things I want with my precious life.
But still I cannot rid of the feelings that all I want now is just to sleep... find a nice place to sleep and just sleep for days without seeing any of this shithole people. So what is stopping me? The place that I really want to sleep in is my own room called home. Not hotel but my own room in my own home.
I just want to be at home with only myself... That is the hardest thing to do.
Reborn 2018 movie
Tuesday. 7.9.19 2:37 am
AHHH... my favourite Japanese looking actor (Yamapi) acted in a China movie called Reborn. This is his first time playing a bad guy. Not bad. He got that look but it's unfortunate that the story line kinda sucks and his role is quite short... so nothing much to shout out other than he played a cool evil guy whose main motive is not really known. I mean it is known in the movie but why does he want to erode Euro dollar to begin with? Maybe this area should be built up instead of focusing too much on the main characters. No... I am saying this not because I want to see more of Yamapi ... it's just I don't like movies with so many gap holes.
I can also hear my head screaming in my head. That's cause some parts of the movie took place in my city!!! And I didn't know!!! Ahhh... I didn't even get to catch a glimpse of him here!!! OMG.... I feel sorry for the actress who played Yamapi's PA/bodyguard. I believe women should not be used as accessory in any way and I really hope the scriptwriter can can not make women seen as weak. Cat fight is fine but please don't make the girls look weak. We are not and girls who work as bodyguard are tough, so please make them look tough instead. That would be a better quality of cat fight.
Anyways... Yamapi was here and gone. I really don't have luck in meeting him. What a life.
When your heart rules
Tuesday. 7.2.19 1:24 pm
I am being so emotional now.
Well that mainly stems from a huge amount of money got burnt for my own carelessness but the provider didn't have to be such a cold person too. Anyways, I will leave that for another day.
There was a post I wanted to write during Chinese New Year (CNY) but I never got the chance because my chain of thought just got cut and suddenly I was lost for words.
Maybe I had typed something simpler like my sister is moving out. She has been saying that since CNY but don't see any action. When I came back and saw she was tidying up the sofa, I somewhat knew she is gonna leave perhaps in July? I am suddenly emo perhaps because I don't know how to cope with an absence of a person whom you have seen and know they are there in your space and suddenly just gone. The way she has been praying recently is really weird and my feelings is telling me she is praying so she has the bravery to walk out of this home and never come back.
Will I be the only child in this family then? Years ago I never dreamt that this would be happening for I thought it would be me moving out for good and never turn back. Who has thought it would be my sister who was a filial daughter to my parents? Who was obedient and prioritised family that would be doing this?
I never know her side of the story but from my observation my parents kinda spoilt her and then in return my sister would say it was my mother who spoilt me. I think my mother was playing us both, that's all, you know like how you gamble? Put here and there some and see which one gives better returns.
My sister acted like she hates me a lot. She used to ban my whatsapp and answered rudely or cut me off before on the phone. I don't really care actually because I am tired.
And suddenly to know the only person to support two elderly in the home on my own suddenly makes me overthinking about my life. I just feel I don't want to continue living anymore. I don't know how to cope. My sister will definitely be keeping in touch with father since he had given her a sum of money to buy a car. But I don't think she would do so with Mother though.
I suddenly feel tired. Tired of being me. How can we have a break from our own identity?
I suddenly just don't want to be alone in this house. Will I be the only child in this house? What does that mean now?
I am tired and I wanna pause myself from trying to define what am I in this house that is if only I can pause a fragment of time. If I can pause time and still move I would gladly do it so I will have infinity time to rest without worrying the clock ticking.
Sunday. 6.9.19 8:56 am
At the beginning of this week, I could not let go of the thought that I had to apologise to someone who had offended me instead. Why? Because these are some things that will not leave the nest of my mind until I write it down. Weird? No idea. Perhaps it just disturbs me greatly which it did. Yea. Past tense since it didn't emit such strong feeling now compared t when it just ended. But still bothers me. I have actually decided not to write about it because it's already a week and why want to let this unimportant matter keep playing like a broken record right? It's so unhealthy for my beautiful mind but it bothers me a lot. So why?
Because someone said something that is laughable about this person and me. He said that I am seeing someone because he could see we are always together that's related to coffee. I agree that people often think we are indeed a couple since you can always spot us at cafe taking photographs. Even we got mistook as couple that a wedding planner approached us with their packages. I should have just replied him "We are divorced."
How can I ever get such person as a partner? Unthinkable. So last week I just asked playfully if wanna go coffee. He replied not today. I replied that I didn't say today with a smiley. In return he said "It's that how you phrase your question?" I'm actually dumbfounded. I mean what's wrong with my reply? I was just playing.. don't you sometimes talk like that to your friends too? I immediately apologised and added if I offended you. He replied "It's just so childish >.<".
To be frank, I hated that reply. There are several occasions where I am totally offended by his words like making me feel my outfit is to be blamed for not getting a good Instagram shot or because I don't do normal poses. And yet I just bit my tongue and never really show my true reaction. There was also one time he asked me to do some kind of pose to be photographed and I did. When I saw the results, I was struck. What was that for? He said just for fun. That was SO childish and I was fuming and yet I didn't say anything.
And yet this sentence of mine you said it's childish? If we were to analyse grammatically, I never mentioned the date and time of drinking coffee. So basically I was just asking do you want to drink coffee regardless of time and who and date. So I was not wrong.
I think I am fuming because I was quick to apologise at the expense of my own self. It was not my wrong and why do I give him the power to have the upper hand. It was unjust to me. He didn't even replied when I said "Have a great Sunday." In no way, I am not indicating that I could not live without him though his photography skills is handy but I am at loss now since this is like indicating I don't know how to interact with friends. Seriously? This reminded me a lot of the guy I dated long time ago. I asked him back so how should I talk to my bf then? He just cut me off by saying tired and I cut him off for good from my life. Haha. Karma bites back harder.
So what do I do with this guy? Let him go like how I let my other friends go. I need to be an independent photographer and just meet new friends who can help me take photographs. Some friends commented that he may not even treat me as a friend or I caught him at a time he was restless or just hit the wrong nerve. Like I care? Yea why do I even care when I bet he didn't even think of this offending matter anymore.
Ok I have journaled so I can move on now. So next!
Oh What A Jerk.
You won't believe it that I got offended by 2 guys within a day. Yup. No 1 was in the morning and no 2 was at night.
Here's a public figure who is desperate to be a social media influencer. No seriously. If you see his resume and the awards he have, he's really public figure only in his own area. HAHA. So he came asking me how to increase his likes on Instagram. I have already shared whatever I can and know.
But here's the real problem of his. He wants others to like his posts without contributing to anyone's posts as in liking others back. I suddenly get lots of IG likes thanks to listening to a tip of IG influencer on my birthday last year. His technique was simple: just like some photos within a time frame on some hashtags and people will like your posts back. Hey that worked for my birthday post which hit 500 likes in a day. Ok, I liked a lot of photos on countless of hashtags on that date but hey it worked! I still practise that until today but of course lesser but still the likes on my posts are always increasing steadily. I have shared this with him but he didn't like that idea and yet commented how the number of followers of mine grow!
Yea... it takes two to tango. The most annoying part was this public figure had pestered me to like his photos for the past one year. I told him that if you want my likes you got to like mine first which he did but one and I liked in return 3. I am pretty generous with my likes because I see it as support not some markers. But I got so annoyed that I unfollow him on IG and I think he didn't figured that out, yet. HAHA. I feel so much at peace without seeing his posts. His posts are not that bad but I am into creative photography pictures so his posts like selfies are not my kind. I even unfollow some of my celebrity friends instagram let alone his. I don't need to know what he is doing NOW in order to save the world because he is all talks and no actions. I have worked with him before so trust me. And I am just being so nice for even continuing talking to him.
So what happened last week? OMG. He asked me to increase his number of followers and number of likes. I think it was an order not even a request. Now, I hate that kind of tone. Firstly, I never thought of being an influencer and I am doing it as part of a learning curve - you never know when such skill is useful for my future business. Secondly, his pictures are not really the lot people want to see nowadays. He is not even handsome with only one pack. People want nice photos with nice filters not selfie. Thirdly, I don't give a damn about him.
So after much of telling him to DIY, he strategised that in order to step up his game, he needs to have another public figure to help him out like perhaps taking photos with him so he can post on his acc? He was also complaining how one of our friends who is a socialite can get so many likes in a day and bla bla. I replied that's cause you are not a socialite to begin with. What was his abominable reply? I am a green socialite too. Right... only in your own area of expertise. Our friend is well-known beyond the country! HAHA. And then he said "FIND ME A PUBLIC FIGURE." Wait. WTH? I didn't even agree to begin with or say anything. Where did that come from. Not even a please?
And so I was already fuming. I kept demanded why he was ordering me? He replied because I have already achieved 500 likes per post; been there done that so I am obliged to help him? So I told him of the things I didn't like he did to me especially in our latest reunion, and he had no remorse. It's like it's expected. My goodness. I just banned him on whatsapp. I am not going to communicate with him anymore.
I don't mind sharing but this guy only takes. I wish his wife best of luck if he can get a girlfriend la.
This guy didn't offend me whatsoever but scared the shit out of me for the past few years with deep negative thoughts though they can be part of future reality but there's no point of thinking so much of the future when we are supposed to tackle the problems at present.
What make me so restless is that he keeps on telling me to leave the country for greener pasture. Anywhere as long as it's outside of our home country because the future of minority is dead. Well, that's heavy but where to?
I have evaluated my skills and I am pretty unwanted abroad because I have no specialisation that is on demand in other countries. I tried studying but also thanks to you that I didn't like my course and I burnt a hell lot of money to study in the same uni as you. I should have studied in another uni that I quite like.
But his fear for the future kept growing to the point I also feel there's no future here for me that I developed the urgency to leave the country too. Anywhere but home. And that torn me a lot for a long time.
This happened again a few days ago. The fear there's no future at home to the point hope is extinguished completely. While I was ruminating what to write here, I think he is just saying to others that they are losers for not migrating. You can continue to stay and fight. Well, seriously, why don't you stay and fight too? It's your home too. Why rely on others to fight a better home for you when each of us is a torch of hope and changemaker? We need to do this together!
I didn't get the chance to say that the more he thinks about his fear the more it may realise due to law of attraction. So we need to think of the opposite like I am so scared of the peace and racial harmony in the country. Maybe that would work better.
He ended the conversation with "I am getting out of here next year. Peace sign."
Well, I am sad to hear a friend leaving but if this is his path so be it la. It's not my path unless I choose to leave the country willingly to achieve my dreams.
Oh well, it seems I have been listening to so many other friend's dream or course of action and I neglected my own voice.
Time to shut off from these kind of people for some time to find my own voice....
I feel much better now after letting my mind releasing some needed steam.
Thursday. 6.6.19 5:38 am
No wonder sometimes people say money can solve all problems. For now, my problem can be so solved by money. I just need to have the amount of money I need to buy a house and have the house in my name.
What my mother said is true just now. In the midst of our own pain, her daughters forgot her pain. We are just too into our own pain inflicted by her. Perhaps in such moment, she is also communicating her own pain like how I am always screaming at her. And we didn't acknowledge because we are selfish.
Despite all that, I think my sister is the cruelest of all. My parents doted on her the most and yet she turns out to be more evil than me. Perhaps that support the research saying that people/kids who are atheist are much more kinder than religious people. My sister prays a lot daily to the point like she is possessed - I am referring to her voice when she prays. Why pray so much when become so evil?
There was no compassion at all from her. Even if she has come to hate the family at least can have the kindness to replace the food that she finished? She has not been doing that for the past 2 years. Nothing whatsoever. She only pays 1% of the household bill and she will be violent when that bill just increases a little by few dollars when me and my mom pay the rest of the 99% of the bill.
My mother was so hurt that she does not call her 'mother' anymore. This is even shocking to me. I could see she treats everyone in the house as invisible and she does not interact with us all. She will talk extremely sweet on the phone to everyone on the phone except to her mother and me. Yea, and that helps her to project such a kind and sweet person to others. People don't believe what we say to others.
The devil in disguise. So on spot.
I have screamed at her for being fake and she replied with a painful victimised look. Why the act? Funny people.
I am highly aware of my age where people reap their hard work but I am at the opposite where I am just finally telling myself that I have finished recuperating and finally starting my engine and now all this shit happens.
I can feel my desperation is kicking in. I shall pray more for God to take over for I am not in the right frame of mind to decide anything.
Monday. 6.3.19 1:51 pm
Talking to one of my friends is always so morbid. This friends keeps saying to migrate elsewhere the country I am living has no future and bla bla. Always. Before we changed the government, he painted such a morbid picture that I fear for my own life to continue living in my own house that I was even thinking of moving too! I thought it will be better when we changed the government but no my friend kept saying hope lies outside of our country. Hope lies wherever we are. The picture he painted again is as morbid as previously.
So when I questioned him back if that is the case why isn't everyone leaving then? Because majority is stuck like me so why paint such a picture to begin with?! Scaring people like this won't do anyone any good because we will be so scared to stand up or to even think clearly.
Where do you want to move if you can? Move until no where else to go?
I am tired of listening to all this bad things... I really need to go somewhere where I can find peace. I should really cut off from whatsapp when people just talk nonsense but no action to make the world a better place.
I proposed to end our lives given the negative pictures. But he replied hope lies outside.
Right. The law of attraction. The more he thinks of a negative picture the more it will happen. I have been praying for justice on the country's fiscal health and I can see it is going well though I am not praying a lot like I want to but still I put my heart and sincerity in my prayers.
I believe that my prayers work.
Update: Sigh. My friend bent on running away from our country. I can't explain the sadness in my chest now.
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