Books I have completed reading since January 2016:
1. The magician's land - Lev Grossman
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
Tuesday. 6.21.16 9:24 pm
While I was praying, I sudden had a realisation that it is not as simple as praying for a new job when I am unhappy in my current job. It is not about asking for a better job, it is about why do I even ask for a better job? What is the underlying of my prayer?
Yea, it can be attributed to the unfairness at work. It is far more than that. It is about why I am unhappy. Is it really about the job?
I suddenly feel my prayers for a better job just got thrown out of the window. That is because my unhappiness stems further than the job. It is life in general that I feel trapped.
So how do I pray then? Pray to be able to understand what my body is trying to tell me?
Regardless of this realisation, I still feel helpless.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
When you were told that the inflation rate is going up way than any investment instruments can be ahead of it hence the need of generating extra USD 500 per month to cover it is stabbing your heart, what would you exactly do in this situation?
That is me in the above line. I want to resign the soonest and I can't even be thinking of generating extra when my head is occupied with saving for the bills that I need to pay during my unemployment months.
I am spiraling into work depression and anxiety. I am looking out for coaching help and my friends commented they won't be of help. But the fear and not knowing what to do next is real. How can I ignore it? That's a non-compassionate action at all. I can get answers through meditation but I feel there is a need of more than that. There's a missing link and I am hunting down on that missing link.
Sometimes I wonder am I here in this life to hunt that missing link?
Still, I am looking out for an intuitive life coach. Meditations may help for my friends but I don't feel it's much helpful for me. I need more than that. It's true our higher self know the answer but sometimes we just need external help to digest the process.
Thursday. 5.26.16 9:54 am
Recently I consulted my friend on money management since he is rich.
He was very kind in sharing information and of course throughout our session I was in a panic state reflecting on the zeroes in my bank account.
My usual style is to invest all money I have leaving myself with little or no cash. I got no cash for the rainy days because I never anticipated shitty days. I will just think how to get out of that shit if I were really in that shit. Of course, we have to manifest positive situations right?! And somehow this method saved me a few times. I sold my investment for good returns and used it to pay off my debts and others. Even he cautioned me that this method aka not having savings of a minimum of 6 months salary is extremely dangerous. And you know what? At that time I was already in shitty mode and yet I dare to do it and I survived.
However, for this year, I decided to save up for a rainy day since I have some plans for the future. You know what? I was actually kinda surprised when he said the opposite when I consulted him. He indicated that I should be investing my money because now is a good time. I was disappointed. I thought this time I would be commended for finally coming to senses. I don't understand up to now why he didn't approved of my changes.
To add salt into my wound, he commended his partner and her friend for having improvement in their finance. They are up by 33%! I was hurt. Worse of all, I was not even sure which part of me was really hurt. I further reflected on my current money management: What is wrong with building a saving nest? Isn't that 101 savings?
I don't understand. What happened?
I reflected again about his partner. The partner is living in with him. Meals are eaten at home - I believe by his maids. She works for him for years. Everything is covered on her end. Of course, she may have her own spending but no matter what she has a backer that is in him.
This year I decided to have savings because my mum is no longer working full time. My sister's earning is not stable. And I have bills to pay. And I wanna resign from a job that no longer supports my aspiration. In fact, I feel suffering to continue toiling in a job that I no longer love no matter how much I try to tell myself this is the job that I asked from God years ago. But it's time to move on.
I am saving hard so I have money to pay the bills during my unemployment months. Is that wrong?
I don't have a backer and never had and I'm so grateful for having a roof above my head. I have only myself to rely on.
I am not like him who has inheritance. I am not like her who has a backer. I have only myself. I have to make sure that I have money so I don't have to trouble my family if I ever had financial problems. The thing is I am even more surprised that the partner is not even richer. Maybe she is but I just don't know.
I don't need to know. I just need to care of my own finances. I am trying ways to earn more here and there so I can reach my money goal so I can start investing.
May God bless me.
Sunday. 5.15.16 6:37 pm
I dreamed of Yamapi a week ago. I dreamed of giving him a tarot reading. But I was too excited to see him that I acted silly. Ugh! I did not give him a good impression! But I told him about career stuff like his wants to break into Hollywood. He had beard but it looked more a mane. He looked like those lion soft toys. So charming! I think anything works when you like a superstar.
I dreamed again this morning and I felt upset upon awakening. Thanks alarm. If I were to continue the dream perhaps I will feel better.
I did not really remember the beginning, but I know I have a handsome white husband. I was not Asian like now, I looked mixed with dark brown hair. I was feeling lucky and grateful to have him. I was dotting on him. At the beginning, I only saw him in action like talking to people. I know he is a leader as in leading something. And I was awe of him. Later there was a crisis. Everyone became hollow. I could see their outline but that's it... and so we were trying to fix that problem. I got no idea how... anyways, we first started moving to a subway. My arms were linked with his. I was enjoying those moments because it was quality time with my husband. After we came out of a train, I got attracted to a computer. Before I could check it out, he called me Camelot. I realised my family name was Camelot and he was Arthur. I quickly joined and I said to him 'I really miss you' because it had been a long time I have seen him on an adventure, but he kept quiet. I found it weird. Why didn't a husband response to a wife's 'missing you' sentence? I kept quiet too. As continued walking, we stumbled a gift shop that sells men fashiin wear. His father suddenly showed up and told Arthur to choose a tie. He was very ethusiastic about the tie designs but Arthur was annoyed and I was just observing everything. When Arthur had a chance to remove himself from that store, he suddenly asked me about my grandfather. He asked 'how was your grandfather like?'. I was surprised. I replied him with a surprise look. He then continued saying 'You are so different than her. You are so kind and always looking out for people.' Of course, silly! You are my husband! But suddenly he said 'How come she is not like you?'. Dum dum dum... who was he talking about? Suddenly I was feeling he was talking about his wife. I asked what was her name. He said Dragonfae 'The raven'. My grandfather was a dragon slayer and there were five either children or grandchildren he has. That Raven and I were one of them and we were cousins... I felt so confused... I was supposed to marry him not Raven! Things running in my mind was 'how did raven marry him earlier than me?'. I decided to leave as it is. I know what he meant: Raven was stern and not friendly. Arthur rummaged his pocket and found a ticket dated a year ago. It was our first lead, we were supposed to find out where did Arthur go a year ago and my feeling was telling me that ticket was somewhere he went with Raven. As we were about to map our actions, my alarm rang. Thanks.
I woke up with a mild uneasy feeling. Arthur was my husband but he was not? It was something my heart felt a thug.
Anyways, back to work on a Monday. Ugh.
Japan ikuyo ! Part 1
Saturday. 4.30.16 8:04 am
I actually never thought of going to Japan. I have always been avoiding this country for 2 mainly reasons:
1. Because of my ex- when I was still with my ex... every savings went to buying tickets to spend time with him... thank god... now I can use the money anyhow I like!
2. Because of radiation from Fukushima.
However, I cannot deny myself from the yearning of wanting to go to Japan so badly.
I have been experiencing a series of burnout since 2014. And I keep asking myself if I wanna travel, where do I wanna go. Japan always popped up in my mind but due to the above two reasons, I kept demotivating myself that I can't because it's expensive country and I chose my ex! That's at that time la...
But in 2015... my burnout worsened: my energy was so spent that all I could think of is to go on a holiday. It was so bad that all I wanted was to drop everything and just fly there the next day.
At that time, it was not because I don't want to do so but the major deterrence was my credit card debt. It was so high that it was frightening and if I were to buy the air ticket, I won't be able to reduce the debt at all. Even if I go, I won't even have cash to buy food or window shopping.. then what's the point of suffering in Japan? Everything is so beautiful but will be limited by the size of my pocket? That sucks.
Despite all these limitations, I almost proceeded to booking in October to fly in January until many of my friends in Japan were slamming on my idea. Their argument was why in January when it's still winter? It's freaking cold and all you wanna do is to stay in bed. After considering this statement I thought for a long time. I have arthritis and what's the point of going in winter?! OMG! So when the hell am I going for a damn holiday?!
So in the end with all these limitations... I prayed to God that I want to have a chance to go to Japan for free. Food, lodging and even air ticket will be paid for.
I even dare to dream that I want to attend my favourite Jpop singer concert back in last August if I had the chance. Here is one of her songs... It's Beni Arashiro.. She is so damn pretty!! And her voice is angelic!
Being absorbed into when and where I wanna go in Japan, I often viewed the map and for some reason I told myself "If I happen to be in Japan, I will go to Hiroshima to pay homage." I got no idea why I said that.
That prayer was in December 2015...
A dream again
Friday. 4.29.16 6:59 am
I think last week I dreamed of my ex.
It was kinda a weird dream. In the dream, I was at a beach somewhere in the Philippines. I think I was in Cebu but it was clearly not because the area was too open. Not many trees but just a straight road next to the beach. I was in a bus. Suddenly, my ex jumped in as the driver and asked for direction to the beach even though we were just next to it. I was kinda surprised with his question because I am not a local yet I know. So I directed him to just go straight.
And he replied in my Malaysian slang
"No la, go straight means go to heaven."
I remember resting my face on a pillow on the dashboard not looking at him. And I was smiling. I was smiling because he spoke in my slang and I was actually indirectly laughing at his joke. Yea.. I remember him saying I am the only girl that laughs at his lame joke.
When we reached the beach I got down. I realised I love walking at the beach... I love seeing those street food hawkers and I totally forgotten about him..
Perhaps, I am mean to go to the beach to rest.
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