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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Friday. 10.9.20 3:08 pm
I am extremely tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I am tired of stupid people like my mother. I am so sick of her. I don't know why I have such stupid mother. The way she talks or how she moves her face is soo stupid. So stupid I don't even want to talk to her. Actually I don't feel like talking to stupid mother. Lately, I am surrounded by stupid people and they drained me a lot.

Just fuck off will they?

I hate how my mother has this stupid facial expression that I HATE A LOT. And then when I interpret her facial expression, she would go out and deny and call me a liar. Really? My actor friend commented 'You can learn facial expression pretty well from your mother.' The more I see her the more I feel sorry for myself.

Why the fuck am I here with her?

I don't have time for my own stuff and yet she squanders her time by watching drama and then pity herself for not having the time she wants to do her stuff?

What the fuck is she saying?

I have settled my judgment about having people with no drive like my mother. But to make pitiful statements like "I wish I am smart on IT then I can make money," is extremely putting me off because now with nothing to do during the pandemic.. go and learn something new la. Why spend precious energy on acts to garner pity?

I hate people like this.

If only I can tell my mother to fuck off. I mean it.

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Another birthday
Thursday. 9.17.20 3:41 pm
Yes I am getting older.

I didn't update much because I was or rather am still in anger mode since the last entry. I really realised I have always been in anger mode for the longest time. Even though I don't want to think of the things that got me into that mode, I know I cannot lie to myself that I have enough of stupid people, be it my family members or some customer service people. As I get older, I really wanna tell them in the face to fuck off. Because I am getting older, I don't want to waste time on such people.

Well another 5 more years I will hit 40. What the fuck. I am definitely losing my youth. I could see how my face age these few months thanks to stupid people, really.

I am tired of spending so much on my medical bills monthly. All because I am surrounded by stupid people especially at home. What soul contract did I sign up to be with stupid people?

I am already so old and yet I got nagged by my mother. Enough, man.

Don't tell me I have to be grateful for my mother. I do but that does not mean I cannot comment what she is. Maybe you have not realised the time you have been reduced to being dumb so you can please others. I am sick of that. I am just trying to live my own life. Do you know I can't even travel abroad without my mother nagging me for not bringing her along? Her modus operandi is to make her children feel guilty by nagging your heart out. Me? I am now dying to say 'r u done playing victim?'

I really need to sit down and think of life.

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Romance rains
Wednesday. 6.3.20 3:26 pm
Ugh. I have actually banned myself from reading romance manga. Why did I even start reading back on those love love manga?? The one thing my heart can no longer take is that love-separation-whatever ending graph. These spikes keep playing with my emotion and I don't want to see an unhappy ending!!! And as usual I fall into that obvious romance plot even though they can be stupid. Wait... if the art sucks, I'm safe.

The current trend is Prince falls in a love with the MAID. HOHO. I am laughing like a silly chicken. But hell yeah that's the freaking trend across Japanese and Korean comic. And wait, another trend is Isekai = cross dimension, with some ridiculous thing that I kinda dislike = memories of past life are retained. If we are talking about RE:LIFE manga, yes it kinda makes sense but the rest can be shitty. It's all about the skills of the author. Some isekai manga is damn good in gripping my emotions. Kudos to those authors. But some are so shitty that I cannot brain how some audience can fall for it. I think I have ranted on this before somewhere here. How would my isekai story be? No idea. I have not really explored on my own idea. There is one thing that is overexploited in isekai genre is that the intelligence of the main character who came from Japan/Korea into some historical/fantasy dimension and then flourish as a genius because solely their memories are retained or something like that. So in short, all those now-then genius in their new world are actually sore losers in Japan/Korea. Some isekai genre have some illogical characters like genius medical person 17 years of age. What the hell. There are other types of genius in our world so don't need to keep banging on medical and martial arts area.

Those isekai genre that I like are more to realism. They got transported into another body who is a nobody but fortunately a princess whatsoever sheltered character and build themselves from scratch, but got the attention of the most handsome-st guy in the whole nation. And there goes my heart falling for those beautifully drawn guy that we all fangirls hope they are real for us to touch. Did these manga characters inspire those Kpop guys to be so beautiful? Wait, who influences who?

I never turned away any kind of genre as long as they captured my attention. It's funny how I can even drop some really good manga half way just because my heart can no longer take how the romance plot is going. That would be the manga called Goddess Creation. To me, the plot is a surprise that I hate myself for even starting to read it and to abandon it half-way. But hey my brain is gonna do my heart a favour. No judge-y.

Hmm... fighting isekai genre... can't really think of one because I forgot the title. That was quite funny but as usual I don't like how the loser from Japan became the genius bla bla... but I enjoyed reading because this is a loser started from scratch even though he gets all the best items like how a gamer from nothing to build a metropolitan in Sim City. The best part was he was to be the saint but got thrown out from the empire because he was ugly and left to die outside of the empire. While the other two he was transported with were kept and crowned as saint. I would love to continue that manga because I would like to know how would all the saints react when they meet. They will eventually.

The other isekai-ish will the Overlord. I feel like knocking some sense into the main character. He got stuck in the game. It is becoming dark as the story progresses. And I wanna know what the hell happens to him in his journey! From the sweet sweet gamer to.... a real Overlord of the Darkness.

Yea, you can guess right that 'getting stuck in game' or gamers got transported into another isekai is also another trend. I neither dislike or like.

What irritated me the most is that the girl who got isekai-ed got herself all the handsome characters in the romance plot and then don't know what to do. What the hell. I am maybe jealous. HAHA.

Damn those mangaka for having such devilish skills in drawing gorgeous guys.

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Sunday. 3.22.20 10:31 am
I have been hating myself for the past few months when I realised this life is not what I wanted initially.

I hate myself for allowing my mother to push me around to be suicidal.

I hate myself for letting myself stooping to her demands whenever she wails. Oh. And then she immediately stops wailing when I give in. I hated myself so much that I am feeling all this anger of hatred in me boiling. I started to hate myself when I realised how disgusted I am when I gave in to her cry not to employ her friend for a project I am in charge of. Yes, it's a project I am in charge of. My mother is involved in the project but I am the fucking head. Why did I gave in? Why did my mother cried in the first place? Well, because the friend is a better PR person than her, outshine herself than her (well in the wrong and ridiculous way), jealous of her achievement in her way that I seriously don't freaking understand jealous bitches. I may not understand completely because I don't rely on this project as my main rice bowl but all I know is seeing a competitor getting so many jobs while I have none is extremely painful that I cannot swallow but what can we do if our fate lies in the hand of the employer? I am doing other freelance jobs where I am seeing my friends got so many of the same freelance jobs that I have been eyeing for without being called. The agent will just contact them and sometimes they have to decline due to time clashes. While me? Applying so crazily and yet no reply from the agent. Am I not beautiful? I am more beautiful and professional than others. But still jobless. So what should I do? Go wailing like a fucking bitch? I can reflect but this is beyond my control. All I can think is to look for alternative paying freelance job instead of bitching of others work opportunities. That is exactly what my mother is doing. Bitching about her friend's job opportunities while wallowing about the little jobs she has.

I hate myself the more she said I should follow her to the fucking supermarket. I HATE MYSELF IN THAT SENTENCE. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I FOLLOW? I GOT A FUCKING LIFE.

Why the fuck am I hating myself for being controlled at the fucking age of 35?

I feel so pathetic.

I can always move out but my ultimate goal is to cut ties entirely. And I have not found a better way than this.

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Already Feb
Wednesday. 2.12.20 2:03 pm
It's already Feb but I am still not feeling fab!

It suddenly hits on me that Nutang has been around for... like a decade? I should really take the time to read my past entries here. It would be interesting to look back on how I spent my youth.

It's funny how time flies and there are so many new things I have been doing and yet all I can just reply people "as usual' if they happened to ask what's new with me. I don't know why people are so fascinated with my life and only a handful will comment that I did make my life to the fullest while the rest will continue to comment I have no focus in life. It's pretty paradox but to think back I have tried out a lot of things though I am not good in all them but hey at least I can tell people I have tried!

It's already 2020 and I still can tell you that I am still finding myself but I have reduced a lot of things that no longer serve me and yet I still need to be more disciplined in this area because dropping some doesn't mean I didn't pick up new and not important stuff along the way!

As I look back, I realised I am somewhat fulfilling my basket list. Really! Like I said, I may not be good in that skill but at least I have tried!

So though I am not as rich as I want to, I know I am always rich in my experiences. And that's way better because no one can ever take that away from me. It's copyrighted already. =)

And so I move on to my other new projects.

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Year end
Thursday. 12.19.19 2:10 am
I am feeling quite morbid when I think of the numbers in my age. I now really can feel how other people feel when they say they are getting older or how we believe Madonna was trying to defy her ageing by preserving her look.

I am really feeling that now. I feel like I am fighting against ageing but no point when my bank account is always the same: too little zeroes.

Some of my friends are already on the road to financial freedom and yet I am here undergoing instead financial struggle. It's like it's my middle name now. I don't remember a time where I don't have to worry about life.

Many things happened between the last blog entry and today. I don't know how long my heart can sustain all those pain. I have been holding myself ever since I was a child recording all those pain. It seems to never end. The pain may outlive me.

That's why it's so important for people to be kind to others because we don't know what the other person is going through like me. I am such a merry person and people usually comment that they have fun with me. I am making everyone happy but deep inside me I have all this pain quelling while I try to push it down so it won't overflow. Perhaps, life experience has also helped me to manage it but I no longer want to hope that I can manage it well. I want to heal this pain and I am at lost. I have to be kind to myself first. I have to forgive myself for not living a life that does not please others. Trailblazer. We all need that. To do what we want that only pleases us. That realisation brings such a profound awakening pain. The life that I am currently have is shaped by me but not my heart. I first need to breathe to feel the air... wind in my soul.

Those pain has been walked over by me countless of time without pausing to acknowledge it. I need to heal and I can.

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