*MeOws..... oF YeSterDaY*
Books I have completed reading since January 2018:
1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
Monday. 9.24.18 3:51 am
Yup. My birthday is just over but this post is not about that.
I noticed that my mother lately has been admonishing my sister and I to treat her better as in to talk more courteously, not rude and help her in doing certain things, actually in everything.
I suddenly asked myself what makes her say that. Oh well, yea, my sister and I can be rude at her at times especially my sister lately. I got no idea why. The way she speaks is very haughty and she sees us like shit. She has been short tempered as well.
I think we all are nowadays...
But she doesn't speak like that to her boyfriend who is an ex now. The way she speaks to him on the phone and also in person was so playful and flirting. But her tone changed when the call ended and the haughty mode returned.
I think that's very psychotic. I think everyone in my family is; I meow don't I?
My mum has been repeatedly telling us to treat her better for she is getting older. I suddenly realised when I was getting older, I never once said "Please treat me better emotionally and mentally". In fact, I absorbed all those abuse like a sponge and took her beliefs as mine. That I don't know if I am really myself since I am still operating with those trauma. How would renaye be like without all those trauma scars?
Should I have said "Please treat me better emotionally and mentally" when I was growing up? I remember one time my mother was telling my father to not beat my sister and I so badly because otherwise we will rebel. That was when we were very young and I still remember that. I remember my mother like to scold me when I was younger for not able to complete certain homework or even not understanding the task at hand. I don't think my mother had the patience in teaching me things. I think she was like telling us so many times that ended up she will just be scolding us for not remembering it. I remember I grew up in fear. Fear to be beaten. Fear to be scolded.
What I am seeing now is actually really "what you reap what you sow." Karma is really biting back my mother even though she raised us. Karma is a dangerous thing.
Now, I really wonder what is renaye like without all these trauma and when she truly loves herself.
I am getting older
Monday. 9.10.18 2:20 pm
I am getting older for sure. Sometimes I ask myself if I should just document my days more frequently to recall what I do for the past few years since time flies.
Next week will just be another birthday of mine. I am feeling anxious till I could not sleep. In this world, majority are obsessed with achievements and I think I got overwhelmed by that. Those motivators out there keep talking about legacy to motivate us. Will that work? I don't know. I just want to do what I feel like doing at that moment without thinking it's for survival, money. Why are we so obsessed of doing certain things for a particular objective?
I am kinda tired, and all I wanted for birthday is a break: a place to stay that I can sleep in darkness without being paranoid of spirits greeting me at the window.... don't need to worry about expenses... just breathe normally without feeling anxious.
Maybe my greatest birthday wish is to be able to live without feeling anxiety.
If money and time are not concerned, I just want to stay somewhere for sometime without feeling hurry to go back to work or back to life because doing that IS life should be.
Just another Hollywood Movie
Friday. 8.31.18 4:06 pm
Wow. I went to watch Crazy Rich Asian movie with my friends recently and it was my early birthday gift. I was actually very reluctant to watch because I usually don't watch chick-lit movies in the cinema because they don't worth my money. Haha. That's how I feel unless I go watch at the promo price during the day but still I was reluctant.
Until my girlfriends were insisting and that was the only movie that was available in our free time. So what the heck, my friend decided to buy it as my early birthday gift because she wanted to see me in the movie.
Yes. That was another reason I didn't want to watch. Because I was afraid to see myself in the movie. It will be either blurred or not at all. I was lucky that I was able to spot myself but my partner was clearly seen in one scene.
I was actually given 4 other shooting dates but I could not make it due to my work commitment. I was indeed sad and disappointed but to be in the screen all I needed was just one shoot. And somehow god did answer my prayer. It's like one item can be crossed in my bucket list: To be in a Hollywood movie.
But maybe I should aim higher that is to have a role in an international movie. But acting is hard. I could not fully immerse myself in a role and I somewhat know it's not my cup of tea. I don't want to be a one-expression-only actor. I want to be versatile but I know I can't lose myself in the role. I am very logical in a way that I know what I am doing... and I am usually in a way improv acting. I act best without a script. All I need is background information of the character. Memorising script and saying them on cue is too robotic for me. I am still trying to put myself in that box.
There are other series, movies and advertisements that you can spot me but I won't be sharing much about them because I am scared to see my own performance. HAHA.
I don't even tell many of my friends and family members because they are not supportive of me and they have hurt me with words.
Sometimes keeping your dreams closer to you will do so much better for ourselves. I don't see the point of proving that I can. It's not necessary. If you are hungry for it, you know you will excel. Even if you don't, the knowledge you gain won't go to waste. It would be knowledge added to our brain department. No loss at all because if we don't make a mistake we won't know what we want right?
Acting may not be my cup of tea but that doesn't mean I won't keep trying because who knows I will get a role that I am really suited for.
So aim for the sun and hope to get burn with passion in return. HAHA.
What's with them?
Monday. 8.6.18 11:27 pm
To date, I have been hearing things that are totally not pleasant to the ears and I have been writing about it endlessly. A few days ago I got another one which I don't really like at all. Maybe it was meant well but I just don't want to see that part because I am fed up of listening to others. Nothing comes out well for me if I do so.
So what was said?
My friend and I were talking about instagramming, the followers number, how to increase bla. And suddenly my creativity style was being judged. If you are instagrammer, you would know that the prerequisite to get more followers is to have a theme and stick to one filter. If you see mine, I have no such thing. Mine is so random; from traveling picture to minimalist posts. I just thought life on instagram would be a waste for just being one dimension. And sometimes each picture has different filter because no one filter suits all. So, I got irritated when I was being told that I should not try to follow the trend or some photography effect I saw on IG. The justification was all those popular IG tend to have only one style. So why am I experimenting this and that? Why can't I?
Yea. Why cannot? I don't see why not. There are so many effects out there I would like to try.
I don't know why this episode stuck in my head for days. But I can feel this is forming a cage around me. It took me so long to trust my judgment when comes to editing my pictures. At the beginning, I could hear this friend's words (it's not nice) in my head whenever I took picture on my own or editing. It was a nightmare. I felt crippled and I have to tell myself Nike motto all the time.
As time passes, I learnt on my own to edit by watching youtube or just playing around with Lightroom. I now able to edit the pictures nicely until I have too many versions of the same picture. Haha.
I told another friend about this. Her opinion is this person thinks his advise is the best. Well my conclusion is he has found his style and he forgot that I am still exploring. AND I am not a boring person who settles for the same old thing.
Why am I bothered to begin with? Because I cannot understand why would a person says such thing. Don't they realise they are limiting others? I am sure they don't because they have been conditioned like that too so they are just doing the same thing to others. Pay it forward, unappreciated.
So what's forward for me? A training for me to defend myself from such people. Maybe I need this because maybe I would meet more such people like this.
I think I am just being too nice to this people for not slashing them.
Monday. 7.9.18 4:56 pm
I don't feel like waking up for a long time. If only I have a remote control to decide when I can get up.
I know my mind was just screaming fOr help just now and yet I could nOt tell anyone about it. My family would only tell me to die.
Why do I allow myself to suffer so many years mentally under my mother? I think it's time for another cord cutting with my mother. I don't wake up the next day and other days. I want rest.
Friday. 6.29.18 1:02 pm
Recently I have been looking up for tutorials in making certain filers for instagram. Seriously it can be a full time job. It takes me hours to decide what filter to use while my other friends did it so fast.
Haha. I am just a pain in the ass perfectionist.
Here's a tutorial that I want to know how to whiten a picture.
Do you have Instagram?
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