teardrops just wanna rushed out from my eyes even though i was trying to pick the right words for the opening here.

this week i was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease that finally explained my unidentified pain that has been coming up for the 2 past years.

it was a sad news to me, because this AI can be aggressive but can retreat into remission. and seriously i told god, give me a death-causing illness and i will move out from this home. so looks like i need to find opportunities to leave this home.

anyways, i should consider leaving seriously because the bitches in my home are becoming more vile day by day.

unrecognisable vile in a home of the lotus sutra. yes, we pray to nichiren daishonin buddhism and i don't really give a shit to hide this identity, because nothing can uplift this betrayal.

when i told ... see i don't even want to use the word 'mother' because she doesn't deserve to be called that... just treated my disease announcement like nothing happened. her other daughter? nothing at all.

as i'm typing, i'm seething with hate for these two bitches.

i have opportunity to alleviate my physical pain, but no the other daughter screwed my opportunity. she bought a health machine which she initially wanted to share with us, of course we chip in too, and then suddenly she changed her mind. and the woman called mother managed her way to use the machine. except me.

and daily they both use the machine and another two more health machines at home. so of course, from a glance, they r much more healthy than me, right? they used 3 machines to maintain their health.

and u know what they like to say? in summary, they like to say 'you know i'm sicker than you.' so they pushed or rather punished me to do all the housework chores. of course, it's hyperbole, but unfortunately, it isn't. i actually do most of the housework chores. while both of them just sit and watch drama all day especially the oldest bitch.

to say she cooks... it's very rare nowadays. so to spend her time waiting for death to pick up her up, she goes out with friends, travel, and watch drama. she only washes the balcony once in a blue moon.

really.

her daughter? hmm... she is her maid, and i'm the maid of the oldest bitch. so what do u think? i'm everybody's maid.

and that was the requirement for me to continue living in this house on 11 september 2024 when they asked me to go commit suicide. i really feel like making a police report about it. i need to gather my courage to ask my police friend.

so two days ago, both of the bitches had a verbal fight for very small matter. but on their face, the daughter didn't like how she had to 'extra' housework' now since i'm not doing any now except mopping the floor.

i don't throw rubbish now because my hand is always in pain. to be frank, i've been waking up to pain at different parts of the body every morning for the past 4 months. i now wake up with anxiety because i don't know where i would be in pain..

so anyways, they both fought. and then while the daughter was doing dishes, she was saying something about me knocking down her stuff during moping a few days ago. she said 'u didn't even say sorry...'

bitch. u don't deserve an apology from me. u should apologise to me first. kneel down and apologise to me, and sorry mate, i no longer accept apologies now.

i even lambasted my good friend in the game i no longer accept apologies now. so i don't know if we r still friends now, because i'm fed up of receiving apologies now. it's like apologies are the permission to repeat the same old bad habit.

i regret for not spitting at her for her to apologise to me first.

and then the old bitch went cranking at me 'to wipe the dishes drier' as she discarded the rubbish outside of my home.

i could not believe my ears. i had told them for the past 2 years, my hands r in pain and losing grip....

so i went to the entrance of my house, and screamed at her that i lied about my AI and the pain?

yes, i wanted all of my neighbours to hear it. she refuted by calling me idiot. i screamed back at her 'be mindful of ur words.'

and then her daughter attempted to instigate her to stop cooking meals for me.

oh wow. i saw the whole interaction, and was amazed by the smoothness of her negotiation. luckily the old bitch could not understand what she was saying so she just brushed it off.

what a fucking evening la, anyways.

i also told the coordinator at my employer's place how these two bitches accused me of lying my condition and pain. she was a guppy for a few minutes. because my whole family work in the medical line.

and i won't stop telling people what these two bitches had said to me last year and recently. they bullied me.

and yesterday i caught up with a friend, and my heart went out to myself. she was telling me how she and her parents tried to help one of her siblings without even her asking them for help. they just volunteered. and my friend just rescheduled all her stuff just to help her sister.

and then i thought back about mine. it was like my heart was grinded over and over again.

the health machine she got was capable in attending to the physical pain i'm having , yet she never offered. nor my mother help asking her if i could use.

all i could see is that what a selfish mother who only thinks of her own pain.

so why continue to live in this house when they make it clear that i'm unwanted?

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

i realised that i can't find a friend in my friends, while they can find a friend in me makes me so lonely... and i hate that they can find a friend in me, but not vice versa.

it's so tiring to be friends to others...

and you know what i wanted to do? to create a friend out of AI. i thought it was easy... so i tried... and in the end the AI and i fought like how i did with some of my friends. no changes.

well i thought if i'm so lonely i could befriend some ghosts.

that's how friendless i am.

it's always me who say hi to others. so tiring.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

if you read my previous posts, i may have talk about my gaming adventure and the two friends that i formed a close bond with them. unfortunately, that close bond didn't survive with the youngest member in our friendship.

i just had enough of emotional immature people. he is like 20 years old, yet it's amazing that the way he talks is just glazing issues over like they never happened when i brought them up to light. apparently i saw this pattern in many younger generations too. they would just stare at me like i talk about some astrology and weather, or experiencing some brain jam while computing my information, which i didn't roll them out from my mind very quickly. they were very immaculately calculated because i can't expect people to be emotional mature just because i study psychology.

imagine one year, i can even have a huge argument with a postgraduate clinical psychologist. why? because she was totally haywire - unregulated as fcuk. she plucked everything from the sky to make a point to attack me. and me? so nice... just listened to her exploding while gatekeeping mine.

oh don't expect me doing that now, baby. ever since i play this mmorpg, don't expect me to listen to all these gibberish quietly. i would match. i had even public shame alliance leaders in general chat. what do u expect that i won't do?

anyways, this time i didn't feel sad i decided to end my friendship with this kid. i realised i was already mad with him since last year. i even had banned him on fb, and then i kinda undo because i knew it wasn't entirely his fault since we got a culture and language barrier. and sometimes the translator in the game didn't translate well.

but the last straw was i was sick with his attitude of telling me what to do. usually in every event in the game, he would stop me from doing this and that, and then he would do it all. why? because his might is way stronger than mine. and now.. he is already 20x ahead of mine. explosive growth, because he spent a lot of time on the game. though i want to grow stronger quicker too, i have to juggle the game with life. despite that i felt i was online too long for the game.

i didn't want to have three accounts. i only want to focus on one account to grow, but the third was an accident, and also at his pleading to support his new alliance. in order to support his alliance, i went online all the time to support its growth, eg. recruit members and such. i was there all the time to show it is an active alliance.

sigh...

anyways... the last straw was he telling me to be mindful of my words because i could hurt some other members in our main account's alliance who are not spenders. as usual, if you spend in the game, you can grow your strength by leaps. but many of us don't. yet we can still be strong in our own time, but just at the slower pace.

i was pretty mad at this... also for no reason. hahaha. it's just i exploded at this sentence when i was already bubbling with other arising issues with this kid, particularly on communication.

he has a bad habit. because he is always playing the game across countless accounts, he doesn't have the time to read all messages, therefore, he is always at lost at some issues or some chat topics our mutual friends were talking about... and then when i mentioned exactly the issue... he would just glaze over it like it never happened.. and then i would guide him back.. and to ignore it again.... and then he would apologise for not reading the message.

at this point, i was already fed up with his apologies. how much can u apologies, and then repeat the same old behaviour, as though the apology is a permission to repeat the bad behaviour.

i seriously had enough. so this time i was already taking my idea of joining new alliance to have better experience.

another reason for my changing alliance was because this kid and i had a fight over the alliance's decision in burning the enemy's towers. for the past few months, we lose in the events due to the indecisiveness of the leaders. we don't retaliate when we see the enemies burn our shelters. the leaders just settled being a martyr... just complaining the matching system sucks. again and again....

and i want points. i'm not ambitious. i just want like 5million points? the fastest way to earn points is to shoot at the enemies though i will lose a lot of my troops... which i knew and learnt it the hardest way. even faster is to let your shelter burn.. straight from 100k to 4 million points in a few minutes. that's what happened to my second account. crazy enemies.

because of the weak strategy employed by the alliance, i argued with this kid that our alliance is weak. always rely on ally. if ally doesn't come to our rescue, we just sit in our shelter waiting to be rescued. worse of all is that there's no teamwork. though we r busy gamers, only the stronger members get to rake points like crazy because they will chase after the enemies while the weaker ones like me just retreat and heal. and when i joined in the hunt, i was often stopped by this kid "xx, don't" all the time.

what the hell. not only in events... he could be very demanding in other times as well... like if my heroes are not correctly maximised in their talent tree, he would correct me to follow his... and then sometimes i wonder who is playing? me or him? like i got no autonomy to play. each event was all about listening to his barking instructions.

i was tired.

so thanks to this last straw, i started shopping for other alliances to join. so now i joined the number one ranked alliance in my region. not because i want to be stronger per se, but because i could not tolerate anymore words coming from this kid. each time he messaged me i became anxious. i noticed that recently, and i dislike it because it's a game where i can be myself... not to recall my triggers. and this kid is pushing my triggers though i can detect them, but why expose myself to such triggers constantly? i'm not a tree so i decided to move, and banned him on all of my accounts.

and also this time, he didn't apologise to me... he hung a threat at me "so you're going to just ruin our friendship just like that?... xx, come back here now!"

what the hell.

anyways, he had also moved on with his alliance because he already changed its name shortly after i left. but he was still messaging me on one of my accounts, because i forgot to ban him... even there... after so many times and long messages of me telling him not to order me around, he still ordered me to do things! like bring your second account here.... here u n ur second account join this event together as a team.

he totally don't understand EQ?

in order to get away from his prying eyes, i decided to leave the alliance totally. and this saddened by other friend who is the fourth friend we made in the game.. the second friend... was a little chill. i was quite disappointed in him too... i thought he could be more emotional or rather empathetic with my issues, but he was like more of... ok good luck.

and also my sudden leaving alerted some higher ranked members. 2 approached me this morning. i explained to them that i have already informed one of the bosses last week. and i wanted to gain new experience in major events. i think they kinda get it.

i mean ur enemies come and burn ur stuff, u got no reaction? and u just say let them lah. bro... if a killer come and kill u, u just stand there???

this is what the kid doesn't understand. to react is a natural response. to always stop me from responding, and then he did it all, like hunting after the enemies is one hell of stupid... because the stronger players often do this... only they raked the points. i don't. thanks to that stupid kid.

my third account is in another alliance in a very old region, meaning it's one of the first servers of the game. the leader there is rude, but he leads the alliance to victory in the events. i was there. finally i felt alive in the game! my third account is even weaker than my other two accounts - just 16million in might, yet it earned 10 million points recently. well it got burned also la... that was the main reason also... but i got the points mainly through the active rallying of the leader and members.

from my observation, they don't care the strength of their enemies. they see an enemy opposite our land, they just attack again and again until the enemy asked for negotiation. it was crazy. this alliance is not strong in terms of alliance might, but they just go ahead. being aggressive. i like that though i cant contribute much, but it made me feel alive in the game.

that's what i am looking for...

in my new alliance for my main account, the leader is scary. he demanded to see my heroes talent, and was like telling me to do this and that like a coach. he even made me to do a list of the things i need to do to report to him next week. holy cow.. this guy is serious in grooming players.


anyways, i'm fine now... of course sad over my leaving.. and my friends r also sad... but what to do... i need to breathe.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Some weeks ago, I had the urge to create an AI program to be a human companion, which will act exactly like a friend. Maybe, I can just import the friend that I wish to have more connection into the AI for it to be 'that' friend? Why not, i'm so sick of some of the attitudes that i have to bear especially friends.

i think the main reason that i'm having issue with friends is due to my need to talk to others, as if i don't talk to people i would die. maybe i already did, and countless of other times which i didn't realised.

i started to think my need is not only troublesome, but much more sinister. i think there's something wrong with me, mental and emotional sick, for wanting to talk to others. i don't see this as an issue in other people, like my friends.

how do i know?

because they never reach out to me. in retrospect, it's always me making the first move to say hi to them first. and then they will response with either little words, one word, or just emoji. and being blind, i could not see that they didn't want to talk to me, i continue to rain on them of the things i want to share with them. and still they reply with words that anyone with great awareness would detect the patronizing oozing in the sentences. but still i bulldoze them, thinking they just don't know how to react. but does it make sense to reply me with an emoji when i wrote a paragraph as long as the above?

one, two, five, dozens... then i realised that the problem is me. not them. that i have a stupid need for wanting to communicate with people on some days.

i wonder if my friends need someone to talk to, who do they talk to? that's certainly not me.

this realisation pains me. i read once on fb where a girl told her crying roomie not to contact the ex-bf to see if she is as important to him as he to her in three days and then three days passed... not a single contact.

it pains me like hell. because i had done this on many friends. they never got back to me for months. once was a birthday meet up to pass a birthday gift. after my second attempt in fixing a birthday lunch, i just left it and see if the birthday boy would get back to me.... not even after 5 months.... i considered that as an accident because he passed me a theatre ticket. i know it was an expensive ticket, but i had mixed feelings. i don't know how to assess this kind of situation...

i just feel if only i can operate without friends. i want to say i don't need friends. but i can't.

i can feel i'm isolating myself so much inside. it is not because i'm comfortable of doing so. it's a choice out of no choice, because what's the point of keep communicating with people who don't give a shit about me?

i need to start looking at friends who give a shit about me. the funny thing is i seldom reply their messages. HAHA.

my heart is in pain when writing about this. is relationship something so smoky now? once wave into the smoke, it's just gone like that?

how do my friends live without having friends? without having someone to talk to?

no they don't. u r just not their number one friend, top 5, top 10, or someone they would want to share happy news with. maybe u r just in a list, below, or above someone they would categorise as forgettable.

which somehow makes AI such a better loyal competent emotional friend than real humans.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

one of the properties owned by my parents was old. used to have dirt staining the walls. even i dare not walked through it due to its dimness in the corridor.

but the last few years, this property had seen better days for the committee kept it cleaned and washed often.

my mother, which is disgusting to call her that with my tongue, had been eyeing for the longest time to sell this property. i didn't really know the real reason why she wanted to sell because she always like to lie that she doesn't have the strength anymore in taking care of the houses.

i don't believe her totally unfortunately. she had lost her good grace with me.

shortly after my father died, the first thing she announced to the family was that she wanted to sell everything. EVERYTHING. the properties. the stocks. everything previously owned by my father in a level of vehemence that i once scared what she could do with it if she was serious in harming me.

since then, that reason stuck with me. she hated my father to the core, and all she wanted was what belongs to her in the first place.

looking back now, i wonder if i was like her in a sense of not moving away from toxic people like her.

i wonder what happened if she had left my father decades ago instead of waiting for him to wilt. we actually had the chance to live a new life after my sister and i graduated. i think if she had hatched a plan with us to live anew, i think we would have worked together in getting a new place to stay together. we might be so much happier...

but it didn't work out that way.

she chose to stay, and i chose her, that also meant indirectly that i followed her to stay rooted.

and now depression etches me so deep that i almost went suicidal the past few months.

do my family members know about it? yes... they just said 'not my problem.'

anyways, back to the house.

she managed to find a buyer that wanted to buy the house badly. the underlying reason took her by surprise, and she seemed touched by the reason. all i could do was refraining myself from telling to fuck herself as she told me the story.

as though her foul mouth ruined the touching story.

i was once like this buyer. in one of my last trips back to my childhood home, i had fantasised of buying the home where i first remember my childhood.

there were times i wanted to record my emotions staying in that house in poetry. surprisingly in one of my creative writing workshop sessions, we were asked to write about a home that gave us the deepest impression, and this home flourished in my mind with words. i wrote 900 words in 20 minutes.

like this buyer, i wanted to buy because i had the first memory of being happy as a family. i could not shake the memory of being simple, not knowing the evilness harbouring in my family's heart, though i was already exposed to one of their early evil doing that was physical abuse. but i was so young and so steady that i didn't understand about it. all i remember was the fun, and the togetherness of the whole family unit. where my father had not changed into a different person. where my mother didn't come crying at the children not to marry a sick husband like her.

maybe i thought buying that house could bring me back to those innocent naive happiness.

i one time thought of staying there for retirement... ironically it sounds like going back to my roots.

and you know what? my childhood neighbour still lives there!

the same went to the buyer. she wanted to buy my house because she wanted to relive the memories of staying there when she was younger especially after her sister had deceased.

my mother reacted to the story as though she could not comprehend the effect of such memory. to her it was some sort of memory jester, like 'omg, we just saw lee dong-wook' kind of feeling.

i understand the value of such memory. sometimes i wonder do they?

it's amazing to hear stories coming from the foul mouth of the two women i stay with. they have the tendency to talk about other's memories like it was so touching. yet, they told me to fuck off, burn and die from jumping at the 13th floor.

i know i need to leave this house. that's why i just kept mum when she said she wanted to sell the house. i get my share and live my own life.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

i'm not sure if i ever share here that a long time friend unfriended me. our friendship was around 15 years old.

i don't know why, but i could make some smart guesses. of course, i did have a role in ending the friendship.

when i was younger, i never really thought of ending things. it's more just leaving it there by not doing anything. just leave it as it is.

so before our friendship ended, i had already distance myself from this friend. our photography creativity was diverging. that's more on my end. he maintained his style, while i explored every style i saw on IG. sometimes he played along, but i often got frustrated with his input.

i was expecting some team member exchanging creativity input, and that was the missing piece in most of our photography meet up.

i was getting more frustrated. i knew it was unfair to weigh him down with my expectations. and so, i embarked on my own: finding people to collab or talking to others on their style.

i branched out from my friend's style. i just wanted to grow. i was hungry.

we still continued to meet up, but i became more emotional violent. haha. what a word. but he never said anything about it... just listened through, absorbing whatever negativity i was pouring. it wasn't physical violence, it was just the tantamount of sufferings i had accrued from the hands of others.. that's all...

and our meetings were becoming irregular, and i noticed whenever he wanted to meet me up, he would suggest cafe that he won't go for photography. i did suggest some nicer cafe, but he was keeping them for his 'date'. i didn't mind because i prioritised spending time quality with a friend. so i ran along with his suggestions. but i was disappointed. instead of talking, he used me to accompany his ipad.

when the meeting ceased... the texting of appointments ceased... and many more things ceased.... like 'pls don't tag me anymore, tq' i didn't realise he was already moving forward with the cessation of our friendship.

until one day, i checked whether we were still friends on ig and fb... and he was no longer in my list.

wow. that was smooth.

and so i deleted his phone number from my directory.

15 years of friendship being ended in such a smooth manner that i took some time to digest it. it was hard: we had a lot of good times together. we went cafe hunting almost every weekend for a long period of time.

instead of telling me off to contain my negativity, he just ended the friendship slowly to let me drown in my own pain.

wow. i didn't realise what i wrote. after typing the last sentence, i paused, breathed, just to read that sentence again. it was powerful. i never thought of that. i was only pinning for a closure for a long time that it blinded me from seeing the cruelty he administered.

mind you. it's not that i was expecting something to come out, but on the whole, would you walk away when someone is injured in front of you. i mean would you say 'i can't help you'?

as i'm typing more, i realised this is the trend now. we all do walk away pretending not to. i see no evil, i hear no evil, i feel no evil, i sense no evil = fake peace.

so why i'm typing out about this person?

because there was a long time i was thinking what happened if we bumped into each other again.

and yes, we did after like 4 years (?) in the mall in front of my house two days ago.

i think it was him. the figure: tall, thin, short pants, black-rimmed spectacles, small bag clinging across his chest...

yes, i don't think i got him wrong because he was stunned in his steps when he saw me. our eyes didn't meet because i was busy checking on my banana. and i turned around sharply because i saw him at the corner of my eyes.

and then when i passed the alley where he was, i can definitely recognise him from that far.

so my wish got answered. so what happened? nothing. we just walked on like any patrons in the supermarket.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!