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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
4. Silas Marner
5. A class of act
6. Spiral - Paul McEuen
Monday. 11.12.18 12:20 am
Recently my mother lamented that my sister and I are not strong enough compare to her or her generations especially when she became an adult in the absence of parents, and also not mentioning the responsibility she had to shoulder to take care of her siblings. This environment made her strong she claimed while she added the environment my sister and I grew up didn't make us strong because we still have parents and still relying on parents for our growing.

I was silent when she was 'explaining' because I believe I am strong in my own existence for surviving the mental, physical and emotional abuse caused by my mother since i was younger than 6 years old. How come? Asian parents tend to start beating their child in the name of 'teaching' when we are still toddlers. Really. As I grew up, the beatings, the scoldings, the name-calling never ceased. I had to wade through such substance during childhood and growing up years and the scenes of my parents quarreling bitterly and whatever my father did impacted me a lot until I broke down into pieces which became so incredibly difficult to patch up. It's just impossible to find those missing pieces. The dreams, the passion and the life force that I once had had dissipated. When I wanted to patch up my passion and dreams compartment, I found myself no more energy left because I have used up all to build Renaye mentally and emotionally.

So I am not strong? What do you think of me when I say I have pulled myself out from the abyss of depression where the second time almost drove me to kill myself? To constantly have the courage to feel and hear myself that I don't want to die and to block myself from killing myself is a strength that can move mountain. The thoughts of 'I want to die" will never give up in the head until I complicit into harming myself. Do you know how hard it was to continue smiling and be happy in that mental-tumultuous moment? No. We don't know because we expect people to be happy all the time and never to be sad on anything because it's stupid to do so.

Like my sister said 'Depression is brought onto yourself.' Yea, in a way because depression is also a cause of long-term drowning myself in helpless things that I cannot control.

I have to live and learn to be a repaired human in the times where my mother was learning to be a mother. We have training for everything except how to be a parent. I was like a guinea pig. I always tell my mother how lucky she is that her children never do drugs or alcohol in order to numb our painful senses and existence due to your mental and emotional abuse. We are just poor financially, that's all. How lucky she is.

And now I want to live a life like any other human that has dreams and passions and what I am going to do now is to make one step at a time. It doesn't matter if I am late at arriving at my destination, I just have to make do with what I have now.

Renaye, don't overthink. Just do it. I am strong enough to support myself.

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O' Chinese Drama
Saturday. 10.20.18 6:31 am
Damn you Chinese drama. I don't know why you all can make such good tear-jerking drama script. Actually thanks to those authors because these drama is adapted from those light novels available online for free reading. I know many of these drama are from novels and I tried reading them but they are so awful. I am not sure if it's the translation that is horrible but overall makes me allergic to those light novels.

Well, perhaps I should elaborate more. Translation wise. I think the translators are doing their best to translate. Ok. Let's remove the spotlight on them especially on their hard and voluntary time. I think it's the storyline that really irritates me. Let me pick an example. There are a lot of time-travel stories in the China market that almost every translated story IS time-travel. Traveling to another time and space is an interesting genre nonetheless but when these authors put nonsense points ... they make me boil.


Like how?

Ok. Here we go. For example.

Female protagonist who is a number one surgeon in the country died and then travel back to a space and time to a character that shares the same name and her (as in body and face bla bla) except this character committed suicide and that's how this traveler can resume this new identity. The stark difference between these characters is that the deceased is extremely pitiful and weak while the newcomer is strong, everything the old one is not. So upon waking up the old body with a new owner changed overnight in terms of characteristics and personality and the best part is she will become a superwoman. Haha. I just mean she can do every impossible thing. And the one I read (and others) are incredibly ridiculous. With what I just wrote above is in the story except with one superpower: can bring things from Earth space to the new space. For example, like above, died and travel to an ancient time in a body that looks like her. Because she is a surgeon in Earth, she can help people medically, correct? She found out that even though she is in ancient time that does not have any technology to do blood test she can just put the blood vial in her sleeve and then her hand goes back to earth to do blood test in the machine that found at workplace and then bring back the result.

Wow. What kind of logic is that? Travel-ed to ancient time means total cut off from EARTH-current time and space. No teleportation here and there. X-men is exceptional because the author has set the plot stone that they are mutants with powers. MUTANTS. These died protagonists are just normal humans. If they are God or God grants them a wish and their wish is time/space travel then it makes one hell lots of sense. Not suddenly I die and then I go to another space that has also me but my version there died. This is not Fullmetal Alchemist anime. The foundation stone is so laughable. I cannot buy this kind of idea.

Unfortunately this is the kind of plot that is flourishing in the market which makes good quality of stories getting more rare.

I kept mentioning translation could suck earlier because I have read one light novel translated by a skilled translator. This person could have better language skill that the whole story makes sense, and also very readable like it's written in English entirety.

This genre not only flourishing in the light novels scene but also the manga scene to the point I can make a conclusion. A laughable one though. In order to be able to survive, you need to have cooking and another skill that I don't remember because the other universe food so sucks because they don't know how to use seasoning. So if you can make good food like foie gras you can save your own ass and maybe even become rich!

I really want to read a time-travel story that the protagonist lands in a pool of zombies. Bwahahaha.

Maybe I should write that.

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Getting older
Monday. 9.24.18 3:51 am
Yup. My birthday is just over but this post is not about that.

I noticed that my mother lately has been admonishing my sister and I to treat her better as in to talk more courteously, not rude and help her in doing certain things, actually in everything.

I suddenly asked myself what makes her say that. Oh well, yea, my sister and I can be rude at her at times especially my sister lately. I got no idea why. The way she speaks is very haughty and she sees us like shit. She has been short tempered as well.

I think we all are nowadays...

But she doesn't speak like that to her boyfriend who is an ex now. The way she speaks to him on the phone and also in person was so playful and flirting. But her tone changed when the call ended and the haughty mode returned.

I think that's very psychotic. I think everyone in my family is; I meow don't I?

My mum has been repeatedly telling us to treat her better for she is getting older. I suddenly realised when I was getting older, I never once said "Please treat me better emotionally and mentally". In fact, I absorbed all those abuse like a sponge and took her beliefs as mine. That I don't know if I am really myself since I am still operating with those trauma. How would renaye be like without all those trauma scars?

Should I have said "Please treat me better emotionally and mentally" when I was growing up? I remember one time my mother was telling my father to not beat my sister and I so badly because otherwise we will rebel. That was when we were very young and I still remember that. I remember my mother like to scold me when I was younger for not able to complete certain homework or even not understanding the task at hand. I don't think my mother had the patience in teaching me things. I think she was like telling us so many times that ended up she will just be scolding us for not remembering it. I remember I grew up in fear. Fear to be beaten. Fear to be scolded.

What I am seeing now is actually really "what you reap what you sow." Karma is really biting back my mother even though she raised us. Karma is a dangerous thing.

Now, I really wonder what is renaye like without all these trauma and when she truly loves herself.

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I am getting older
Monday. 9.10.18 2:20 pm
I am getting older for sure. Sometimes I ask myself if I should just document my days more frequently to recall what I do for the past few years since time flies.

Next week will just be another birthday of mine. I am feeling anxious till I could not sleep. In this world, majority are obsessed with achievements and I think I got overwhelmed by that. Those motivators out there keep talking about legacy to motivate us. Will that work? I don't know. I just want to do what I feel like doing at that moment without thinking it's for survival, money. Why are we so obsessed of doing certain things for a particular objective?

I am kinda tired, and all I wanted for birthday is a break: a place to stay that I can sleep in darkness without being paranoid of spirits greeting me at the window.... don't need to worry about expenses... just breathe normally without feeling anxious.

Maybe my greatest birthday wish is to be able to live without feeling anxiety.

If money and time are not concerned, I just want to stay somewhere for sometime without feeling hurry to go back to work or back to life because doing that IS life should be.

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Just another Hollywood Movie
Friday. 8.31.18 4:06 pm
Wow. I went to watch Crazy Rich Asian movie with my friends recently and it was my early birthday gift. I was actually very reluctant to watch because I usually don't watch chick-lit movies in the cinema because they don't worth my money. Haha. That's how I feel unless I go watch at the promo price during the day but still I was reluctant.

Until my girlfriends were insisting and that was the only movie that was available in our free time. So what the heck, my friend decided to buy it as my early birthday gift because she wanted to see me in the movie.

Yes. That was another reason I didn't want to watch. Because I was afraid to see myself in the movie. It will be either blurred or not at all. I was lucky that I was able to spot myself but my partner was clearly seen in one scene.

I was actually given 4 other shooting dates but I could not make it due to my work commitment. I was indeed sad and disappointed but to be in the screen all I needed was just one shoot. And somehow god did answer my prayer. It's like one item can be crossed in my bucket list: To be in a Hollywood movie.

But maybe I should aim higher that is to have a role in an international movie. But acting is hard. I could not fully immerse myself in a role and I somewhat know it's not my cup of tea. I don't want to be a one-expression-only actor. I want to be versatile but I know I can't lose myself in the role. I am very logical in a way that I know what I am doing... and I am usually in a way improv acting. I act best without a script. All I need is background information of the character. Memorising script and saying them on cue is too robotic for me. I am still trying to put myself in that box.

There are other series, movies and advertisements that you can spot me but I won't be sharing much about them because I am scared to see my own performance. HAHA.

I don't even tell many of my friends and family members because they are not supportive of me and they have hurt me with words.

Sometimes keeping your dreams closer to you will do so much better for ourselves. I don't see the point of proving that I can. It's not necessary. If you are hungry for it, you know you will excel. Even if you don't, the knowledge you gain won't go to waste. It would be knowledge added to our brain department. No loss at all because if we don't make a mistake we won't know what we want right?

Acting may not be my cup of tea but that doesn't mean I won't keep trying because who knows I will get a role that I am really suited for.

So aim for the sun and hope to get burn with passion in return. HAHA.

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What's with them?
Monday. 8.6.18 11:27 pm
To date, I have been hearing things that are totally not pleasant to the ears and I have been writing about it endlessly. A few days ago I got another one which I don't really like at all. Maybe it was meant well but I just don't want to see that part because I am fed up of listening to others. Nothing comes out well for me if I do so.

So what was said?

My friend and I were talking about instagramming, the followers number, how to increase bla. And suddenly my creativity style was being judged. If you are instagrammer, you would know that the prerequisite to get more followers is to have a theme and stick to one filter. If you see mine, I have no such thing. Mine is so random; from traveling picture to minimalist posts. I just thought life on instagram would be a waste for just being one dimension. And sometimes each picture has different filter because no one filter suits all. So, I got irritated when I was being told that I should not try to follow the trend or some photography effect I saw on IG. The justification was all those popular IG tend to have only one style. So why am I experimenting this and that? Why can't I?

Yea. Why cannot? I don't see why not. There are so many effects out there I would like to try.

I don't know why this episode stuck in my head for days. But I can feel this is forming a cage around me. It took me so long to trust my judgment when comes to editing my pictures. At the beginning, I could hear this friend's words (it's not nice) in my head whenever I took picture on my own or editing. It was a nightmare. I felt crippled and I have to tell myself Nike motto all the time.

As time passes, I learnt on my own to edit by watching youtube or just playing around with Lightroom. I now able to edit the pictures nicely until I have too many versions of the same picture. Haha.

I told another friend about this. Her opinion is this person thinks his advise is the best. Well my conclusion is he has found his style and he forgot that I am still exploring. AND I am not a boring person who settles for the same old thing.

Why am I bothered to begin with? Because I cannot understand why would a person says such thing. Don't they realise they are limiting others? I am sure they don't because they have been conditioned like that too so they are just doing the same thing to others. Pay it forward, unappreciated.

So what's forward for me? A training for me to defend myself from such people. Maybe I need this because maybe I would meet more such people like this.

I think I am just being too nice to this people for not slashing them.

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