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Speak to My Finger
Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
smoking cold
Sunday. 3.10.24 11:59 am
my mother went to china, and now complaining how cold she is now.

oops i have a role to play in that too, but miniscule one. i just told her that her thick pajamas may be heavy for her luggage. and i forgot she is now having a new luggage with new technology where these luggage now are so light... that we now can put a lot of heavy clothing unlike last time where the bag itself was heavy.

can't blame me entirely because my mother packed her clothing in the wrong way, and she packed the wrong clothes to china.

i may not have traveled much, but i still have some exposure experience to all seasons. so i told her that she was bringing the wrong clothes to weather 5-20 degrees and she told me in an annoying manner that she is gonna be wearing a heat tech underneath all those t-shirts. i repeatedly telling her that she needs to bring more long sleeve, and a few more thicker clothing. she replied me confidently that her heat tech would make her warm.

luckily she brought two thick jacket.

anyways, i'm sure her friends that she went with would be indicating how stupid she was when it comes to traveling. i could have told her to roll her clothes instead, but i know she is a stubborn woman, and likes doing her way.

when i asked why her luggage was almost full, and it might be overweighed, she didn't bother to hide her victimisation facial expression along with how offended she was. the only thing that prevented her from exploding at me how i bullied her was she knew i had done my traveling bits to many countries, thus my experience nonetheless is still valuable. but she avenged it by purposely throwing my receipts discreetly, and of course i caught her before the deed.

what an assh*le.

anyways, i did my part to sustain her survival there by giving, actually loaning, her USD100. it's not much but at least some extra money to exchange for local currency. i think she didn't even think of it.

and she called her children fucking asshole.

if she returns home, and curses me, i think i will just tell her karma will eat u up soon.

so sick of attending to a narcissist. and yea, she keeps complaining on WhatsApp how suffering she is now with her wrong wardrobe.

karma just in on her now...

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which version of truth this is again?
Wednesday. 2.21.24 5:22 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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how did she survive
Saturday. 2.17.24 2:37 pm
i was informed that my oldest uncle is now bedridden, hence he may not live any longer now. my mother and her sister r going to visit him in 2 months time. i actually feel like visiting him too, but unfortunately it's around my final submission deadline, which is totally unfortunate. then i think... i'd rather not, because then she would be demanding to do all the bookings for them right? well, if that's the case i would go after my final submission.

now, my heart goes out to my sister's half-sister who is older than her. This uncle is also my mum's half-brother. why i said so because, according to mother, she left home without looking back when she was old enough. and because she was a half, my maternal grandmother was not on a good terms with her. oh well, how would you feel suddenly your husband just brought back a baby for you to raise? that's what happened.

anyways, after many years she left home, she posted in the chinese newspaper looking for my mother and her siblings. my auntie and uncle knew about it, but didn't respond, and told my mother many years later. my mum was furious! they could not justify why they didn't have any intention to respond... by then, it was too late to respond, as my auntie and uncle forgot when and which daily. i wonder if my mother think back about this sister...

and now i'm feeling extremely sad - to an extent crying for a stranger - for this auntie that i haven't met. how lonely she must be to know she has some siblings but never know whether they saw the ad or not... did that haunt her? did she give herself the closure that she needs?

now i'm thinking about my bedridden uncle. what's going on in his mind? he has three kids, and his wife is also very old, no strength in her legs now...

in my mind, all i could remember him finishing the whole haagen daze ice cream tub in front of the tv. for my auntie, she fed her pet mynah which one day just flew into their house, and they released after decades of care.

i wonder how is my paternal auntie doing in Melb. did my sister entertain her when she called after my father's death? i knew she texted me, but i was so drained from protecting myself from mother, that i didn't have the energy to think whether to keep in touch with her or not. in fact, i was afraid to contact them would give another reason for my mother to attack me. i was already barely surviving...

i wonder how she is coping with his death... she tried calling for days during my father's passing, but we didn't answer, because mother dare not touch his phone. in fact, she didn't want to touch anything of his possessions except for his wealth and assets. and so we waited for my sister to come home to answer the call.

when we answered, we said he just died a few days ago, and she was in shocked. and we just ended the call. that's it. i know we sounded cruel, but i was trying my best to keep mother calm, otherwise i would be beaten emotionally. it was something i was not proud of... but my brain was not working either.. i was traumatised with my father's death in the house.

anyways, what i wanted to conclude is that death is a lonely personal experience after all. the only thing that can soothe me in my death bed is to be able to answer myself whether i've lived a satisfying life or not...

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No room for others
Wednesday. 2.14.24 11:46 am
I really wonder how do those researchers came to a conclusion that narcissists have no room for others in themselves. How do they know? They cut the brain of narcissists?

Usually I will cry more when i'm not being seen or heard. But this morning when I told my mother that I could not tolerate her violent barrages on her children just to make us kowtow to her demands, and how she communicated her wants and needs triggered me a lot that awakened my suicidal tendency. She brushed it off by threatening her whether I want to help her or not. I don't remember what I replied, but I caught her rare awareness of her own actions. Usually she forgets that she hurt others. So she responded that my sis and I also like to shame and scold her in public, as though i'm taking revenge on her. I threw hat her back 'why do u think that happened?'

And then she just walked back to resume her prayers, and then shouted 'if I don't want to help, then don't help.' after prayers, she then messaged my sister manipulating what happened between us. By saying

"When I asked her for help she wants to commit suicide whole night no sleep.... She wants to take revenge on me for ill treatment on her."

Hang on. I did say I was suicidal, but I said the way she treated her children triggered me, and my suicidal ideation. And the revenge was something she puting into my mouth. Last time I would want revenge, but now, I just leave to karma to do the job. But trauma authors explained that I was mirroring my mother's communication when she was younger. If she was reluctant to take care of me when I was younger, and indicated in her communication and the way she made me feel, then I would have the tendency to mirror that when I become older, because I learn after her. If I have enough awareness I can stop myself behaving that way, but it's hard. It's like u have snakes, if u dislike, curling around u, can u act calmly? Show me if u can.

Because of my parents, their children so fuck up. My sister is avoiding her emotions at all cost. And she thinks I can't see through.

At 0200, I texted my friend to arrange a counselling session the next day, and she listened to me for 3 hours straight on. Very kind indeed.

And then I realised why I was so triggered because I don't know what she wanted. She likes to disguise her 'teach, help, guide' by asking u to complete everything for her. She won't lay her finger to do anything. And if you can't do it well, then she will have the faint hint of blame like 'how come u don't know? I thought u r good at IT'? Yea? Then how come u don't cook African food if u r good at cooking.

Real asshole for changing the context and words of our conversation. Can I make a story out of this manipulation dishonest version of story?

I'm gonna chat with another senior about overcoming my trauma. I don't know what triggered me truly. I'm triggered twice in the span of 6 months, and this morning was severe of all.

Well, you think people with trauma can overcome trauma with sheer will power? Do you know how tempting it is to take a pen and stab my neck over and over again?

How sad that a narcissist, like my mother, didn't even pause to show compassion when I mentioned suicidal. You think I'm doing it for attention sake? Maybe that's what my sis thinks coz she commented being suicidal is just benefitting her. Excuse me? What about me? Is it about winning? To what end? I cannot imagine how a mother just brush it off as though it's nothing. She is more important than anyone else, really there's no room for others in her. What is life like to her then?

I was reading some interventions last night about unavailable emotional parents, that it is also important to know our caregiver's story too. What they are doing is also mirroring their caregiver's behaviour too, or reacting to their own children. Is this why her younger brother suddenly snapped and dislike her?

Maybe I can ask my auntie about their life story, and ask if there was any physical violence involved.

Then... A dragonfly flew by me... I wonder if that's my father saying hi...

Because I could not sleep due to the pain in my heart, a spirit came in the form a cat and slept on my chest, purring. I felt the pain lifted, but the body refused to let go of the tremors, and so I breathed in oxygen into my body parts until I sleep.

I find it how sad that my mother can't even pause and listen to what is said by others. Avoiding pain is not going to solve anything. My friend said that what I'm seeing is her true manifestations of self. Now, she is living her self, unshackled. Last time was she suppressing herself to fit in the society, not now. So now is her true colours. Wow.

A narcissist likes to take pleasure in squeezing others, pouncing whatsoever, as though it's a good sport.

I'm hoping to start something new when I hit 40 soon.

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the body remembers
Tuesday. 2.13.24 5:50 pm
I never expected to have a heart palpitation at 0100.

i though i would be fine if my mother asked me for some help, because i want to keep the peace between us. so sometimes sucking it up is the best way to tolerate it. tolerate is the best word fit, i'm not making room to let this pain to go through me as though i'm transparent. she's just not worth it.

so i never expected how my body remembers the trauma. and i thought i have overcome the fear or whatever the reactions i used to develop whenever she asked me for help.

at 0030, she received a phone call, and then came into my room - because i am still up studying - and asked if i could help her out to apply china visa for in the next few hours because she and her friends would like to get it done concurrently. upon hearing the requests, my body suddenly felt the tingling sensation, like my fingers left me... floating into thin air, and what i'm feeling is some phantom fingers moving... and then my heart sudden beat 100 times more than usual. suddenly just speed up that my internal ears could not catch up with it.

in my head, i tried to investigate what's going on... it's just a small matter.. i have done this before .. i have helped her before but each time i helped her i know i was tolerating the yucky feeling of helping her. because i'm totally triggered by her. when i was younger, she always called me stupid... so stupid that you better be a prostitute. this remark ingrained in me since i was before 6 years old. i was beaten into a pulp on my 10th birthday just because i was the 4th girl in class. she stopped beating me physically with some insults because my auntie called in to wish birthday, and was wondering why i was tearing on the phone, until i said she is beating me for being 4th in class. only then she stopped because she forgot it was my birthday. so my birthday saved me? did it? should i be happy i was born on that date she was beating me in order to soothe her ego and face?

reading works on childhood trauma really sometimes open up my wounds...

anyways, i remember mentioning to her before TO NEVER ASK ME FOR HELP WHEN COMES TO IT, because she likes to disguise 'teach me' with DO EVERYTHING FOR ME COZ I'M NOT GONNA LEARN, AND IF U DON'T I'M GONNA SHRED U WITH GUILT, SHAME... and i don't know how many times i have been traumatised by those kinds of episodes before. until i realised she didn't bother to learn, she just wants someone to do it for her. and then i confront her that she is not learning, then she would make the case that i'm against her, whatever shit she can use against me.

my mother is a full package of a narcissist, gaslighter, manipulator and the whole load of that... psycho path? a borderline, i think, coz i saw how she felt 'better' after beating me ... or how she berated me not to give any jobs to her competitor with crocordile tears, and then SMILED right after I gave in.. and how she took pleasure in seeing her children giving in to her demands.

I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

What does she see in me? I would never know, and don't want to know. I just pray that she don't come and visit me when she dies. I shall tell my guides not to let her come near me in spirit form. I don't want such vile person to see me in spirit. in fact, i want her to stew herself in all those realisation of the pain she causes in others. i learnt that when we die... we then reflect on the last life we had, including all the pain.. bla bla bla... it hurts so much that u feel like everything anything all at once passes through u. yup.... my mediumship teacher said that to me when she mediated a session for me with my deceased father. up to u to believe. i'm not here to debate whatsoever.

and so.. i feel sorry for my sister who is now taking on the brunt of her demands. the last time my sister tried to be assertive on certain things, my mother crushed it with verbal violence that i felt so sorry for my sister to bear it. from the outside, i could see how resilient my sister was in withstanding the violence verbally and distant physically... well my mother was screaming at the top of her lungs how cruel, vile, evil, my sister was for not doing something that she wanted, and then guilt tripping her with how she has taken care of us.. her children is just a piece of shit.... useless, worthless of her care.. if that's the case we should just continue to be a piece of shit right? whatever i do is just a piece of shit right? then why should i even bother to help u? trying to manipulate me to soothe or to give into ur demand? is this some kind of a competition to see who is the cruelest here? everyone has a role to play, but i'm trying to survive here. hurt is hurt. pain is pain. i'm resilient, but there's a threshold, and i have already pushed this threshold to the highest ceiling, and i cannot push this any more.

this is why my body is reacting with tremors... and i feel like crying... i feel like i regressed being a child again... helpless of not able to protect myself from such violent barrages. the only way to protect myself is to give in, is to fulfill her demands. to what end?

do u know what was running in my head when she asked me if i could help? the reply i was ready to tell her "I'M SORRY I CANNOT HELP YOU. YOUR REQUEST IS OPENING UP MY WOUNDS WHERE U HAVE BEATEN ME UP VIOLENTLY FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO FULFIL UR REQUEST (BEING THE FIRST GIRL IN CLASS).. I CANNOT TOLERATE THIS PAIN ANYMORE. PLS ASK SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP U."

if she wanna scream like how she did to my sis, go ahead... because i want to add on "IF I HAVE A CHOICE CHOOSING BETWEEN DEATH AND HELPING U, I CHOOSE DEATH OVER AND OVER AGAIN." that is how severe my trauma is if triggered, like right now.

she withheld her love when we r good, that is being the good that she wishes us to be. why do i always argue with her? because i have a lot of pain caused by her seeping out of me, yet i have to withhold as much as i can in order to survive.

i'm almost 40. what a joke this is to be afraid of such innocent request. but u know what? the inner child remembers all memories that hurt us, and would react in the name of defense or reminder THAT's ENOUGH.

do u know what trauma is? traumatic events that become memories on autoplay mode in our head. that's because part of the brain that's in charge of processing all events into memories are jammed with cortisol, the stress cells, from doing its job. thus, the traumatic events didn't get to be processed.

and my mother one time screamed at our house front entrance that she would made my life hell. and u know what i replied? LIVING WITH U IS ALREADY HELL.

isn't it? i have trauma replaying in my head whether i like it or not, and everyday is a battle to let it be like watching cars moving without chasing after them. this always happens whenever i'm idle, or i would be recalling some events where i didn't get to protect myself and strategise how i can protect myself in the future should this event be repeated. u see how tired i am, and what a waste of time, when i can use this energy and brain cells to think to plan my future. and yes, i always have to redirect my attention to more productive stuff.

a week before chinese new year, my mother n i had a scene in a huge mall. she went screaming at me for being a shithead telling her to line up behind me simply because many people just let their family members jump queue. and she said i should do the same thing to do. but i didn't. because what's wrong with lining up? it's a good way to waste time other than loitering at the front entrance because the crew only allowed people lining up to enter the queue.

nope. she made a scene. she has a knack to create a scene victimising herself. and the setting was so interesting. it was amongst the heavy line-ups with other shoppers. and the young shopper behind us was like 'aiya... family members dont need to like up.. just jump the queue la.. aiya... no big deal..' he was just being nice.

and what i did? i jumped in and shouted at her back. u think i would give face? i have had enough of her trying to shame me in public with verbal abuse and physical violence. she loves doing that, and then she would boast it to her friends. she did that, especially on physical violence, during my childhood, and often with a triumph tone. that's why i said she's a psychopath. she takes pleasure in hurting others? i remember some friends felt sorry for her children, and then asked us back what did we do to trigger such wraith. did they just validate her rights to abuse me verbally and physically? i remember crying in front of them. yea. what did i do to deserve such public shaming. by just being myself? by just honoring my own emotions? u beat me because u cannot handle emotions? and that's the child's fault for making u uncomfortable? read that previous sentence again.

so what am i gonna do with that request if she persists? my body will break down from the forgotten memory that causes my body to tremble. telling her than i'd choose death over helping her might soothe me and please me, but would incur a woman's wrath. i don't know maybe i will ask her back if she were in my situation, what she would do.

and i already know. she would put the spotlight on herself as the victim, who has already done her best in raising two kids with all she has. correct u have done ur best... but u never see us for how we r, u care for us, but we don't feel ur care nor love sincerely. there's always something u want to trade with ur children for ur care and love. and when u didn't get what u want, that's where the beatings come in.

if i feel like dying again if she persists with her request, then i would have to talk to a therapist on an emergency mode before i scratch my throat out. yup. that's how i hurt myself or suicidal ideation.

u just don't know how much strength anyone who has such tendency to stop themselves from giving in to their pain fantasy.


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The unethical being
Saturday. 9.16.23 11:08 pm
It took me a year to have the courage to stop seeing this toxic doctor. I was reading my past entries here, which made me realised what contributed to my personality towards this doctor. Don't know if it's politically correct to say that I've been trained well by my mother to have such deadly service desire that in any wailing moments, their wants and needs are more important than mine that i don't matter, like let them wail to death will keep me safe. i just have to be extremely patient and still, and listen to them because that's what my existence is for. so toxic, and as though someone else other than my mother saw that too.

that last sentence of mine above really echoes eerily under my skin now...

i should have muster my courage earlier, especially i was able to see his employer a few months back during the clinic's open day. i actually had thought about it, but i didn't take it seriously. i should. get his contact just in case should times like this crops up, then i would have an avenue to complain.

ok. i'm beating round the bush, because i seriously don't know where to start. which red flags...

ok. let's start with my sister. this doctor was found by my sister first, and then intro to me and my mother because his clinic is just opposite my house. his traditional chinese medicine medical skills are good, better than many of the doctors i've seen, but his communication skills and professionalism are extremely on the other spectrum. he is not very hygienic as for a doctor. unfortunately, majority of the TCM r like that. only one TCM i have gone in a medical university was on par as western medical setting. his was just 'omg' status. my sister could not tolerate his hygiene, so always told him to be cleaner and what not especially she was visiting him during Covid times. but he just acted like 'what's the big deal?'. their communication got so bad until i didn't know what my sister said to him that this doctor called me like an injured boy licking his wounds to his mother. in between the licks and blames, he wailed why my sister did what she did... and playing the innocent victim what he had done wrong... for over an hour. and me... listened to him like a perfect understanding mother. what really ran in my head? well, why did my sister ruin her relationship with this doctor? she didn't need to do that because she may need to see him again one day. this is because it's very hard to find a very skilled doctor, and we spend years to keep searching for a better one... it's awfully tiring. anyways, i listened to him because i was already at that time his new patient and i didn't want to have any conflict with him. i was afraid that my sister would ruin our patient-doctor relationship, and what i did, in retrospect, was a favour to soothe him. he repeated my sister unjust actions onto him again and again ... like a broken player. and again and again i have to reiterate the suggestions he could implement in the clinic.

then... our relationship got better of course, especially since i saw him very frequently as i was taking the korean traditional medicine in a jab form twice a month. it was beneficial because i got to learn different ways in checking my health through the palms of my hand. but on my end, it was strictly professional as a patient, but not him. whatever woes he has he will just talk about it to every patient he sees. and he kept on asking me about some developer stuff which was ridiculously for me to know, and he thought i would know about it because i stay opposite. he also talked about his competitor which was just opposite him bla bla. he would talk about it every time i was there over and over again.

as i visited him frequently, it was easy to observe he has several eccentric behaviours, like he gets panic easily when there is another patient in the clinic apart from me. he would try to rush the treatment on me to attend the newcomer even though i came first. if possible, he just want to dump me and immediately go to that newcomer. it was very obvious. each time, i had to refocus him that i came first, and let them wait. isn't this super normal in western clinic? they just sit on the chair and wait for the doctor to be done? for him, he cannot tolerate that.

my mother never like him due to the way he speaks. he speaks broken english fluently, which irritates me and my mother to the max, but still i tolerate because i could see he makes some effort in speaking it. i have seen many dr who don't even give a shit about speaking in other languages apart from chinese. so alright with me.... since he could speak cantonese to us. but we got extremely irritated when his medicine was too strong for my mother who was recovering from severe acid reflux. he wrote her some herbs prescriptions, and she got to pack the herbs from the chinese medical hall. she boiled and drank, and she had severe healing crisis, which she could not tolerate the burning ache. so i informed him about it to change, and he refused. he kept saying it's customised for her, and healing crisis is expected due to her severity, so she needs to tolerate in order to heal. i understand what healing crisis is, but to be frank, i was at a crossroad. i know my mother lately didn't want to tolerate any level of pain, and if she did, she would try to transfer it onto her daughters, or just find any hole to avoid pain, which to be frank was a pain in my ass because i got roped in. anyways, the doctor said why don't i try it to see if her allegations were true. ok. so i drank it, and yes.. even though my gastritis was not as severe as my mother, i could even feel the gnawing sensation and nausea after one bowl. and i had 2 more to drink. i could not tolerate either. i threw it all. so i reported, and he went into a gaslighting, narcissistic, and manipulative mode that our allegations were not true, and there was something wrong with us mentally. so i said if that's the case, u buy one pack from us, which he did. and .... the next time he saw us, he boasted through the roof that how good that medicine did to him.. better skin and he felt so much better after drinking it... even his auntie drank it had no issues like us... and again the finger pointing at us that we were the trouble makers. until i had to tell him off that i didn't want to listen to the bragging. you didn't need to public ragging on us. we got the message that u r 'holier than thou' and didn't want to listen to ur patients. since then my mother hated him.

i saw him very frequently for my own personal medical issues to take the korean ginseng traditional medicine in a jab form. yup. i said that earlier here...

before i forget, i need to highlight how he violates patient's confidentiality. he likes to inform me this that client did what and what happened to them. of course some was in testimonial form, but he likes to inform me when my friends, who i referred, came to see him and what treatment he did for them... and then once.. he even said loudly to my friend who was skeptical about the jab that RENAYE COMES ALL THE TIME, U CAN ASK HER. i was so shocked to hear that that i was stunned to react. and when i told him about patient's confidentiality, he would brush it off like a pesky fly, repeatedly. the same thing happened even though i hammered him several times on confidentiality that one day there was an annoying patient kept asking me what treatment i had because ... she must have heard my scream... due to the injection pain on my inflamed fingers... he nonchalantly replied 'XXX treatment' in front of me. again i was stunned. and that patient then focused on me and continued to ask... i was so irritated from the pain and from him, and from her that i just kept quiet like she didn't exist. and he commented 'she speaks english' to that patient... until i had to tell off the patient i don't want to talk about it.

ok that's that.

i had it every month like 2-3 times in a month depending my conditions severity if i have flare up. at that time it was affordable especially it could relieve my arthritis in a day. but the red flags were just coming up more... his hygiene is extremely questionable. i don't know where he keeps the medicine because he has to go into the store room with the syringe to collect the liquid, and then there was no needle stand for him to put the needle. so he often just places it on the table without sanitising it. because he has to jab 10 various acupressure points, he just put it on the table like a pen while the patient moves around.

oh i forgot to mention he doesn't wash his hand after going to the loo....

i think what made me fed up about this toxis doctor is that he likes to harass me on the phone. the first time was my sister scolding him.... then each time my friend commented something he didn't like or cannot accept he would call me up to express his wounds... the last time was the worst of all. i didn't know my friend was very aggressive in demanding him to refund her money because he didn't do a good job. i don't know exactly what was their transaction, but apparently my friend threatened him... and then he called me asking me to tell her off that there's no refund. so when i told him she's ur patient so it's ur responsibility to talk to her.. then he shrunk and spilled his wounds.. so i just told him xx xx that he can do to address her concerns. big mistakes? coz he then called me three times in a day for the next 3 days about this issue. one time i had to stop eating my lunch to address this issue for almost one hour. he kept saying what he had done like a victim.. and i had to use my counselling skills to reinforce his strength... now in retrospect i was such a dickhead. i should have just hang up so i could enjoy my korean fried chicken... yes i was so kind hearted that i reinforce his strengths like we were trained to do so in counselling sessions throughout that one hour. and then when i heard his confidence came back, i ended the call.

again.. i was such a dickhead. i should just hang up...

again.. i should have seen that's already a violation of patient-doctor boundaries.. i know it, and yet i let it pass....

why should i be even responsible for my friend's refund issue? i'm such a dickhead now.

anyways.. after that i still follow up for my issues, but by then i was getting sicker due to stress this year. i have to work and study that i have not been eating well nor sleeping well. my digestive issue was so bad that i didn't have satisfying bowel movements for months, and i was bloating on a daily basis. i was so uncomfortable. each time i saw him, i would be telling him how bloated bla bla i were, and he just said that XX treatment i did seemed to have fast effect on u... and then i let it rest thinking i'm going to be fine and the medication just need some time to work since i didn't really control my diet either... this had been on going for like 5 months. the digestive issues were never resolved, and he kept saying my digestive issue didn't seem very serious. even his visiting doctor from korea came and commented how distended my belly was, yet both doctors didn't take any action to help relieve it.

until... i want to validate that my usual jab treatment was not effective for my digestive issue... i went to see my old timer TCM doctor which was far from me. man... he revealed so many issues and then he added 'renaye, u r full of shit.' yup. my poor bowel movement was not indicating that my bowels were clean like this toxic doctor claimed. the bowel's muscles were so weak that it could not push the shit out. i was disappointed that i was told by a different doctor when i've been seeing this idiotic toxic dr so frequently on almost weekly basis, that he could not tell me that? i did get medication from this old timer, but i felt his pills won't be effective for me as my condition now was serious... as my stomach was not absorbing nutrients at the maximum level. i bought his pills anyways to standby.

i totally lost trust in this toxic doctor when i was not told the truth of my condition. because the jab treatment only relieved my digestive symptoms for two days after each jab, i was already on the hunt for second opinion. i m truly thankful to my thrill for having freebies because this was how i found a better TCM doctor in terms of communication skills and professionalism. I think what disappointed me the most is that idiotic toxic dr knew how severe the dampness is in my body, and he didn't tell me the truth. when i complained to him about my water retention, he would brush it off and told me 'oh it's not serious' like it's nothing. but to me, it is a major concern because i don't want my thigh to look fat in jeans. it's serious to me so why r u telling me my truth is not true just because YOU don't think it's serious? as i think of it again, i hated how this idiotic dr belittled my condition in front of a patient. i also have water retention in my eyes, and i remember he said once before that the jab can help with that, and he did twice for my eyes before. so when i asked one time if he could jab to relieve the water pressure in my eyes again, because since the 2nd time, he had been avoiding not to repeat that movement, but i'm not the type of letting go if i don't get satisfactory replies.... then he replied me in a sing song tune 'YOU WANT TO POKE YOUR EYES?' i was dumb at that time, and just said i'm just concerned about my water retention. again, he just brushed it off.

with this new TCM doctor i found on IG... it was purely an accident. the clinic was having soft launch by giving out free consultation and cupping. as a thrill seeker, i signed up even though it was so far away from my house. it takes me 1.5 hours to go there by train. man... anyways.. i thought it'd be just one time off since i'm there for the cupping. but during the consultation, she told me my symptoms without even me telling her the full details. and she kept asking me if i was feeling certain symptoms, which made me truly surprised because i saw this idiotic toxic dr on a weekly basis, why wasn't i being told of all those symptoms even he had taken my pulse? because i was already seeing that idiot frequently, i just brushed off this female dr's diagnosis since i was not having any symptoms like she mentioned, and had my free cupping session. but i returned after 2 days, because the symptoms she mentioned appeared. i even Googled, and validated that what she said was right. My dampness issue was so bad that it had caused me so much of discomfort for months.. what the hell had this idiotic been doing? each time i saw him for a jab, he would only be asking where to jab, instead of taking the pulse and update me where i should be focusing. i had told him many times that AI can do his job if he just needs to jab.

so... i had been with this female TCM for the past coming 4 months, and i could see how my digestive issue improved. at the beginning also she brushed off my water retention issue, but i told her off to never ever impose ur belief onto me. u r trained as a doctor to listen to ur patients, never ever invalidate ur patient's complaint. unlike that idiot, she took note, and since then she just listens to my complain no matter how small it is. i am aware that i underestimated her skills because she is younger than me, but luckily i stick to my belief that there's always someone better out there. this is why my family members are always seeing different doctors whenever we found a better one. so that's why we can tell u which one is good in skills or facilities. we have spent more than a decade using our body to test their skills so u don't have to...

fast forward... i'm happy with this female doctor's skills. so far the medication is working for me, and my keratosis pillaris had decreased... the facilities not that great so is the hygiene but at least it's at the expected level. i'm just a hygiene freak....

i recently had a stye which i thought i had it cured with my old timer's TCM medication, but it was very overdosing mode, and i didn't want to continue down that road when i had a stye in my left. in fact i had two stye in my left eye. and so i tried my luck with this female doctor, because as far as i know, i never heard of TCM being able to treat it. even the normal western gp could not... i don't have hope. in fact, i was ready to pay a few hundred bucks to see an eye specialist to solve it. but god has been kind to me, the female doctor said she could, and she administered a bloodletting session on me. it was interesting because she let out the blood on the veins of my ear... an acupressure point for the eye. i was surprised to see so much blood was let out.. and the best part... it was reduced by so much by the next day! unfortunately it came back again in a day or two due to the heat contained in my body and the humid weather. so i visited her again, and this time she added a guasha to release the heat. this time three stye were gone, two on the left, and one in the right, for good. i was never that happy... and my treatment for this was just so affordable.

and this is where i'm gonna tell u a horror story about the bloodletting session conducted by that idiotic doctor...

so in my last visit for a jab, he was excited to share with me that he would be offering a new service called bloodletting, and it's free for all patients for the first time, and he would like to perform it on me later. i remember replying that's good news, AND i don't need it because as far as i understood from what he said... it's more applicable to people who have some swelling that filled with water or toxin or something like that. but at that time, i had no retention of any toxin.. so i asked can it help with water retention? he said no.. then again i don't need it. then he tried to convince me that it's free so i should have it. again, i asked where do u wanna do this on me? i really don't need it. he tried to convince me that this technique is very popularly carried out by a TCM doctor in Johor for all kinds of sickness. i asked if he has done it before, he said he had, but the way he replied was very unnatural and high pitch, as though he was hiding. i remember saying no again. and then i lied on the bed for him to jab. after the jab, again.. he said he wanna prepare to do the bloodletting. again, i said no. he again said it's not his first time. again i asked where u wanna bloodlet? he said this time thyroid. i asked why? is my thyroid disease a ball of toxins that needs to be released? i don't remember what he said, maybe along the lines for all kinds of diseases, and the white liquid should come out instead like what the TCM doctor produced in johor. because i was lying down, and i wanted him to shut up, i thought to let him do it so he would not pester me again, because it seemed like i was given a choice to say no. he then became so excited that i said yes. then he scrambled to get the materials and work on the poking. when he came with the small needle, i asked again if i really need this service, again in his fake voice, he said yes. by this time i really felt uncomfortable due to the differences in power between the doctor and patient. and when he poke, he tried to ooze the blood to come out, and he said 'HOW COME DON'T HAVE BLOOD?' in Chinese. Then I replied 'isn't that a good thing?' it means i'm fine.' i don't remember what was his reply because i only remember how unhappy he was with the outcome that HE POKE FOR THE SECOND TIME, and declared the same thing "EH WHY SO LITTLE BLOOD?" I was already very scared by this time and I just kept saying that I'm really fine and the XX treatment was working... but he WAS NOT HAPPY AND HE WANTED TO POKE FOR THE THIRD TIME. I went into screaming mode to stop him. Until to today, i felt disgusted with myself how I had allowed myself to be a lab rat for him.. how I allowed him to violate me when I was on the bed.

i have actually decided to let all these incidents behind me for the time being because i feel i still need the jab for the pain in my knee and hands. i just don't want to have anymore conflict, because my friends kept telling me to be more understanding that he is an eccentric doctor. in reflection, i felt compelled by my friends to respect his differences, so i just kept quiet. each time i told these incidents to a friend, each time he will reply me u need to let go... or why the heck i'm such a drama queen and compare how he went to see this idiot without any drama ensue.. coz u r an idiot to began with...that's another story.. anyways.. so i really also thought i'm just being drama... until my mother commented 'don u think that idiotic doctor has some autism?' then it just hits me. he fits some of the boxes of those brain developmental symptoms. he reminded me now a lot of my autistic friends. so i told myself to be more understanding because he is somewhat a disabled.

so for 3 months and more, i didn't contact him whatsoever... and then he contacted me asking me how i'm doing. i said fine medically, and immediately told him off i'm busy and will contact him for future jab appointments. he said noted. and then the following week, he said 'it's time for ur jab for ur medical conditions.' the fuck. again i just keep quiet coz i know his english is so broken that that was a translation from chinese. ok.. i said i'm busy next time. then the following week he said 'how r u auntie renaye?' man.. THE FUCK. I immediately told him not funny. his reply was JUST KIDDING.. HEHEHE.. I WAS KIDDING. i was smoking. i just told myself to ignore. then i asked him about the stye, but he said he could not do anything. ok fine. i just leave the conversation as it was.

almost 2 weeks later, he texted me again asking how i was doing. i said the old thing that i'm fine medically. again he asked me specifically how my medical condition doing, i said fine. he asked again like a broken player. this time i asked how can i help u. he said he is being concerned about his patient. in my head, i said too late. then he asked for my permission if he could share a testimonial. i was silenced because i was busy with my facial appointment and i really don need to know how effective the jab was. the problem is him, not the jab. since he asked for permission, if i don't reply anything, meaning he cannot share right? coz he added 'for confidentiality reason.' but i was wrong.. he flooded my whatsapp with one testimony and including pictures. and then he had the cheek to ask 'can i share another one?' eh idiot, i never even consented the first one... so i replied in caps that i didn't need to read any. then he responded he is just being concerned.. and then... he harassed my mother through phone asking why i did the way i did. my mum already knew his behaviour and also knew i must have said something to him. and mum was smarter than me, she just said then dont send her anymore testimonials la.. and then hang up coz she was actually in the middle of an online meeting. and then he replied me 'I NOTICED U HAVE CHANGED COMPLETELY.'

i was very disturbed by our last interaction... i even talked about it again my idiotic friend who said to accept his eccentric behaviours, and bragged how professional he was when he had treatment with this idiotic doctor. and... last night i realised why i was replaying this whole post over and over again since friday because....

I DON'T WANT TO COPE ANYMORE WITH HIS IDIOCY BEHAVIOUR

but my brain is telling me that walking out is wrong... indirectly i should continue to tolerate such shit... but i could not cope anymore... see what r the consequences are??? he didn't like me... see... he said that i have changed.. it's that what i want??? u don't want that but u did that, didn't u?

i've to find space within myself to fight through all this bullshit overthinking, and stepping out from it is scary because ...

since young i've been taught if i do that i would be paid with violence so i've been trained to cope with shit over and over again until i'm scared of the consequences of stepping out... even though i'm old enough to protect myself.

and now i'm stepping out.. i'm thinking if i were doing the right thing again and again....

do u know what this is? trauma at works.

to my idiotic friend... do u think accepting his eccentric behaviour at the expense of my awareness would bring me peace?

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