a few days ago, i became serious in cutting ties with my family members. i told my sister that we should sell off all the assets so i get my portion to leave this family.

my sister was calm in handling the news, and the following day she told me in a 'game' manner that i should stop renovating the room, and she had gotten agents to appraise one of our properties. i, still raw with pain from the day before, swirled in confusion... i don't want to relive the pain.... so i'm gonna cut it short by stating that i was so stupid not to see the truth all this while... what veiled me, for god sake? how can i not see that what they were doing is that 'no speak of it = no issue' while me try to get them to 'see the issue.' they don't want to see and know, while i wanna fix it before it gets bigger.

so the conversation between me and her ended very badly as in i found the source of my pain. there was one moment that i looked at my mother for help, who was just sitting, and watching drama in the same space as us, but i realised i should be resolving it on my own.

right. in the later of the conversation my mother jumped in and said 'you're the one' that caused this ruckus, that i always bring up the past, echoing to what my sister was saying. well, the past is your resume of doings that put me in pain. it's just i'm recording it unconsciously, and i can't help to feel disappointed over and over again.

this time i feel more pain because they both just admitted that they don't have kindness, empathy, and compassion for me. my sister can even say 'if u want to commit suicide, go ahead, i won't stop you.' i didn't know my sister has changed to a such cold person. she was not like this in last February. at that time, i was triggered by countertransference, and she at least, like anyone, tried to prevent me from killing myself. and now.. what a bitch.

i'm recording here as an evidence.

that's the most painful discovery i had to date.

then someone asked me the following in some span of this unhappiness erupted:

1) do u have anyone to protect u?
2) why r u fast forwarding ur life now?
3) where r u right now?!

the first one was by a stranger upon hearing my argument with the family.

the second was by my friend who is a lawyer whom i contacted to ask for advise in will nomination. and so he was so worried and he kept checking in on me whether i'm gonna kill myself or what ....

the third by a fellow gamer friend who i only know virtually for less than 100 days asking frantically the other fellow gamers i'm closed with if i'm online 'now' or not... what i'm doing... am i gonna kill myself.

as i'm typing this, i'm crying. because of what my sister said. how can these three people who don't know me well at all can show concern to another human, while my sister and mother, a Buddhist who keep praying on daily basis to have no compassion for another fellow human being.

they r not even buddhist. religion doesn't matter, you know. in fact, it never matters.

and my mother still treated like nothing happened. to me, something big happened and it was just ignored in the room. it's crazy how can that something that serious happened... and just treat it like nothing happen. ...

that's what my pain is crying about. i'm not an attention seeker, but i'm in so much pain that they are not seeing my pain. and i don't know how to grief this pain....

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i read back my previous entry.

it was nostalgic. that must have felt by my former alliance leader too.

a lot of things happened in the game since my last entry. i changed to another alliance, again. it wasn't because i was hungry for growth whatsoever. i had a fallout with the leader, and i could not stand bigot egoistic guy, like him.

he was greedy for power, so he expanded the alliance land rapidly. always aiming to cover this and that land. because there were few high ranking, and powerful members. i was one of the members he relied on to conquer the lands. however, he didn't give clear instructions as what time and who should do what. as of this point, i just recruited a few new members who shelters were so weak that i could just burn their shelters easily. and the leader kept saying 'everyone need to relocate'. so i asked for clarification. i have to ask three times in order to be sure these new weak members were not asked to be relocated.

and then when i need to relocate, my fellow friend, who's also the player who relocated to another alliance but still having an account in the alliance, advised me not to relocate because i'd be the easiest to be attacked by the enemy. i don't have strong barricade, bla bla, and i knew he meant well. so i listened to him, and explained to the leader. in fact, the leader also said it's optional to relocate. since he said that, i chose not to relocate so i could also protect the new members.

however, the leader decided to use passive aggressive in bashing at me for not relocating. really dramatic kind of message like 'oh how he can only rely on a few people to conquer' bla bla, twice. and i could not take it. i bashed him in the general chat, telling him to be direct with me if he was criticising him for not helping him. and then he was too late in taking over the land... he constructed a message blaming me indirectly for the wishy washy 'not relocating.'

before that, i had asked him many times, when he wanted the other active players to go online to support him. he kept replying 'depending on my availability' because he runs a cafe in India. err. dude. you mean we all have to follow your timing, right? he liked to tell us 'be online in 30 minutes'. what on earth? you think we are your slaves?

his response to my bashing was very bitter . he said i hated him. in fact, all members hated him, and the bla bla.. and that he would do whatever he wants. so me... just reiterating that he needs to learn to differentiate personal attack and leadership criticism. in short, he needs to improve his leadership and communication.

nope. yada. nada. he took it as a personal insult. the other members relocated with him, and he abandoned them there by relocating back to the main shelter location. and he stayed very far away from the rest of the members, as though in hiding.

from that moment, i recognised the familiarity: dispute with bosses = leave otherwise no happy ending.

i was actually so disturbed by his response due to the bitter vehemence. my god. it's a game, and why the hell am i meeting people like this? ugh....

so i complained to other two fellow members in the alliance the one that relocated but still have an account in the alliance, and another with a girlish nick that i need to jump ship.. within that moment, the former suggested me to jump into the alliance he parked his main account at. basically he had been trying to recruit a few of us into this alliance because they wanted to join some other game activities that required certain level of shelters, and must be active players.

this time, i just accepted the suggestion, and made my mind. it was done very quickly within 5 hours. hahaha.. coz the alliance only accepts members referred by their members. so i need to wait for the lady boss to approve me. and then i relocated with lots of difficulties. hahaha. it was so difficult to relocate due to different region. but once i did. i felt comfortable. i had my shelter located next to the river.

i then had a sense of peace, mixed with some sadness. because i was happy in that alliance even though it was frustrating at times due to the number inactive members. if they were to stay closer to the main location, we could also have the number of players to play all the activities organised for the players. now recalling this.. it's just some players are just weird. they just expect others in the alliance to help them out without reciprocating.

anyways...

after relocating... my friend with the girlish nick suddenly said he wanna follow me. then within the next few hours, he joined me in the new alliance. then another junior member followed me. the next few days, another fellow player followed. and with my departure and the girlish nick, the alliance became dead.

the egoistic alliance leader messaged me the next day with an eww feeling kind of messaged. the words he said the day before was bitter and.... not fit for anyone to read. he was just simply throwing off his power at me that he has the right to do anything he wants. ok.. so do i. HAHAHAAH. i did by changing into a more active alliance, a s s h o l e.

he said that we were a family and that i should leave family just because we fought. it's normal to have fight, and recover. yea.. but ass 0... u said i hated u... and how everyone also hated u just because u got low self-esteem.. it's not my job to make u feel safe and good...

and he added that if i ignored his message, he would message me everyday. omg. i don't need an ass to do that. so i quickly replied him that i'm happy in the new alliance without talking much about my true feelings. i knew he tried to manipulate me. and i hated it. oh i forgot to mention that he begged me to come back. why do that in the first place? i just repeatedly told him that the hurt inflicted on to me cannot be undone. so be it.

he also begged my other friend to go back by hanging the alliance leader role as a carrot. but my friend didn't take the bait, and also said he felt happy in the new alliance. we both felt happy because we now didn't have any responsibilities. why the former leader begged us to return because we were his right and left hand. and he lose it within a day. what a shock for him. i cannot empathise, and don't want to since he thinks he is such a mighty player.

i talked to my introducer, and he also said how this egoistic leader never take consideration of other members. that was why the last player joined us, because he was hurt too. i bashed the leader in the general chat because i could not withstand how he likes to public shame other players. this player was the first victim i saw. it made me feel uncomfortable reading how he generally messaged in the group 'how no one helped him build tower.' and this player apologetically responded that he had no troops to do so.

man...

long story short... another weak member joined me weeks after my departure. i was happy that i recruited her. she was very nice to talk to me... and she shared how unhappy she was in the alliance because it was so dead... nobody talked anymore in the group chat....

and so she is happy with us now.... i'm happy with my two fellow friends too. we talked about the game almost on a daily basis. i know i will feel sad if i lose touch with them. man... i hope our friendship can last.

i realised the camaraderie is a main factor of keeping players in the game. i think that's for me.

soooo the former alliance is pretty dead now.... not my job to revive it.. my job now is to watch my shelter grow. =)

i have finally found a forever home for my shelter.

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recently, i decided to play some zombie rpg game. i didn't become addicted, but it became a habit to keep on looking at my game. you know, you need to level up your heroes, your shelter, and keep farming like crazy so your heroes grow.

and i need to join an alliance in order to grow better. which i did.

i first simply joined a small alliance. i happened to work well with one of the active members, and then suddenly many active members left the game, including the alliance leader. so only left me and this active member. we both held the alliance as long as we could. i felt attached to this member as i had no other members to talk to other than him. so really. we both were the only members alive in the game. there were still other members alive in the game, but they don't respond at all. really. i'm sure they read the messages, but they just ignore the messages again and again.

i seriously got no idea why.

until i felt i was trapped in this small alliance. i wanted to grow my heroes. i wanted to take on more challenges in the game, but they usually need more active members to cooperate and i could not get the others to do so. they could not even do the basic that is relocate to the new alliance land, because our previous shelters were scorched to the ground by another alliance. yet, they refused to move. this member became the alliance leader, and i followed him to our new land. and then i became totally dependent on him to complete my daily missions, because some missions cannot be done alone. sigh.

and i grew annoyed because he didn't go online frequently. i already started thinking of joining other active alliances. i was already scouting.

and then 1 july, i jumped ship without saying farewell to this alliance member. i did ask him if he had any plans for the alliance. if he had said that he wanna revive whatsoever, at least it would make me stay. instead, he replied that he felt comfortable with the status quo. oh my.... that's when i jumped.

he messaged me to confirm if i had left. i said yes. at that time, my heart tugged at me to invite him along to the new alliance. but i didn't. i just say goodbye in that message instead. for the next few days, i felt so guilty for not inviting him. i realised i became attached to this member. the simple reason was familiarity.

the new alliance has a lot of members, but only a handful is active. i acquainted with them quickly, and grew in ranks quickly too, because my troops are not that weak, and i'm considered as active. and i kinda enjoy my time in this new alliance as we participated in the game activities. don't think it's just a game. the host has a lot of weekly activities that require team work. and the best part is we are able to grow our heroes without the need to purchase anything. of course, if u were to buy stuff, you would be able to grow your heroes quicker, but it's not really necessary.

anyways, we have been active, and yet, my guilt still tugs at me every now and then. he dismantle the old alliance, and he joined the alliance that burned our shelters earlier. and that's where my guilt really bit me. even though it's just a game, i felt animosity towards that alliance who kicked us out of our land out of the blues. i could not understand how this member could join the member. and shortly, he left the game. i felt i'd invited him into my current alliance, then perhaps we could still play together....

it's too late..... i have come to the decision to let it go. because he also reminded me a few times. it's just a game.

and so today.. i felt sad again because one of the active members in my current alliance suddenly left without saying goodbye to me. i had to message him and asked why. i already guessed that he had found a permanent home with his own country people. and i cannot stop him from doing that. the new alliance he joined has a lot more active members who are stronger than me and other active members. i can't stop him from flying higher in the sky.

he kinda knew i was sad. so he sent me his new home coordination, and i saw his home, as if that would nurse my teary heart. it did, for a bit, though. and now i could feel some fat tears leaking from my eyes.

because i grew attached to these active members.

i did recruit some new members, but they don't seem to understand how to play the game. they don't farm at all, or upgrade their troops. my troops were way stronger than theirs when i was at their level....

by the way, this member who found a permanent home has another account in my current alliance. but still the future experience i'm gonna have won't be the same as his main account. as he now needs to juggle his both accounts, and one day he would have to choose which one to prioritise.

i need to read on attachment in video games.... it's been a long time i'm feeling like this...

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wahhhh... i never thought i would have an argument with a friend who happens to be a clinical psychologist. i think i officially label them as having one screw loose in the head.

actually what happened last night was considered as minor, but it became full blown heated one sided argument, which i thought we could talk it out as civil as possible given that both of us are from the psychology area. boy, i was so wrong. it turned out to be extremely vicious name calling/labeling, until it could scare any vampire to go out in the night.

i just gave her a criticism as civil as i can about her communication skills, nothing more nothing less. the focus was her communication skills, but the way she looked at it was me attacking her purely for what she is, from her personality to her appearance. the moment she answered me back, in a way that i was the gaslighter, manipulator, i already knew this was a bad bad conversation which had no probable ending, and it's gonna be ugly. and all i could think was how to exit.

there is no point of continuing to give a constructive, diplomatic criticism to a person who allows me to do so, only to weaponise my points instead to fortify her dignity and ego. it was eerie to talk to an angelic looking full blown psycho.

unfortunately, any type of criticism is considered as a form of gaslighting and manipulation. she was not wrong as the critique was given to tell her how to protect me emotionally, which in a way, telling her to change her original self to suit me. however, i also agree that not all criticisms should be rejected. if one person felt a thorn, don't u want to wonder if others felt the same thing too?

in my conversation with her, i strictly focused the tiniest part of her communication skill that i believed everyone was affected by it, whether or not, they mention it is a whole different story. she can be seen as a strong character, and to her, last night was two strong characters logging heads. in my point of view, it was a one sided nuclear bomb site to see me off to heaven. she kept indicating she was listening to the criticism, but each time i responded with relevant info, she would manipulate and gaslight until i've to question my own thinking process. i knew she has been very open about her friendship/relationship issues, and i just said don't u want to know why those relationships went off so bad? wow. pure trigger. she then said i weaponised her trauma, i brought up her past to make my point. err... to where u r right now is an accumulation of what u did.

and i've already smelled trouble when we had dinner together, and the spiritual reading i gave her. if she were to recall my reading for her, i've also touched on her communication skills. and throughout the whole conversation, i never brought in this reading or her personality. i just focused on her directness that pure directness hurts. and this was the whole point she was fighting to protect - to be herself. she kept saying i overthink how this is an issue while trying to prove her point that her real friends never mention about this 'weakness' of hers.

to the point, she brought in ridiculous claims that i was jealous of her beauty. that i was jealous of her achievements. wah. that's so far fetched. that's actually crazy. i'm 10 years older than her. beauty, youth, and achievements, i've tasted them. why do i have to be jealous of? i'm just amaze that u don't have diabetes for drinking so many milktea in a day.

and the whole night, i never once uttered how our conversation was enlarging my thyroid to the point i cannot breathe well, while she was spewing how cruel i were in manipulating and gaslighting her.

wait. she can't even know that very well, that she had to use chatgpt to analyse our conversation. and stupid AI affirmed that i was gaslighting her. wah.... what the hell. i was fully aware of my own conversation that i didn't manipulate or gaslight her. i was hoping to talk as civil as possible.

i wanted to leave the battle mid-way, but she said i should end it since i brought it up. so i tried, and then another round of ammunition from her. wah. i just died again for no reason.

i have to ask my other friend to analyse the gist of our conversation, and luckily my friend was pretty chill, gave each of us a prayer. i never knew this girl can be so vicious. now i kinda see the other side of her, and it's not angelic as her name indicated.

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i'm supposed to work on my discussion of my research report, but instead i need to listen to my heart palpitations because my heart is scared and confused about the unspoken future of my mother's wants.

she is currently working on her income tax stuff, and she likes to make something big out of nothing, and this is where my heart cannot relax. because i don't know what she is gonna do to MAKE me do her unspoken bidding. she would go wailing on something hinting to me implicitly to take an explicit action to resolve her issue. or she would simply tell me directly indirectly to do something out of the blue without asking if i'm ok with it or not. I HATED BOTH OF IT.

And this was why I was so feeling suicidal in february, because I told her nicely that her communication style in conveying both of it was unhealthy and causing me anxiety. and that was where she played the fucking victim, and exaggerated the story that i want to avenge on her biggie.

who the fuck is the poor storyteller here?

i can play this way: just fog whatever shit she wanted me to do implicitly even though it's not gonna solve the issue for good, but temporary resolve is better than nothing. and it's a good way to avoid a war, which contain some stake especially i have not planned far, or rather i don't have the resources yet to be independent.

i know many people would comment that with my current resources, it's impossible not to move out and be independent. it's a valid point, but still impossible for me because i want to rent the whole unit instead of a room. as i get older, i want space to my own without sharing with anyone. i want to have my own toilet. i want to be wherever i want in the house, not coop in the room because i rent a room. the best solution would be renting a soho, which is expensive here, and far away from public transport.

and i don't have a fixed income. i can't be renting a place for a few months, and then come back home with my tail in between, right? my plan is to leave for ever once i step out of this home, and u know what? where i'm currently living is my home in my name. so basically, i'm the house owner, and i should have the power to kick my mother out of this house, right? so why am i the one acting as if i'm the bad guy that needs to leave? or why does the good guy need to leave the home in the first place? how is this considered magnanimous in the first place? am i not endorsing a bad behaviour or her amnesia in behaving badly?

communicating reasons is impossible, and it seems tolerating is going to be impossible any time soon.

so what should i do in this context? i'm seeing patient is the viable solution in order to maintain a peaceful relationship but at the expense of myself.

like just now, she declared she didn't want to go out of the house for any meals as she would be occupied finding information for her income tax filing. and she wanted my sister to pack us food. my god, she is so fucking lazy. based on her behaviour history, she would be watching drama or idling on her laptop/phone for hours and then go screaming into the air for not knowing how to search for her income slips as a way to call for help. i can imagine having suicidal thoughts again later tomorrow in order to cope with the pain, because my body unfortunately still remembers the trauma she caused me. the fawning, the frozen, the flight, the fight are real. u can't just tell the person ignore it.

if that really happen, i think i would have to camp at starbucks to do my work. and then just tell her, i would pack her dinner. that sounds like a plan.

man... why do i have to leave the house for a fucking insane person? why do i have to leave my home just for some idiotic person? she ain't worth it.

what am i gonna do if she go wailing of how pitiful she is in finding all the info? close the room door and wear head phone? sounds good. i'm always doing that.

but i know she will come knocking on my door, asking me to do the browsing for her. because she didn't want to learn.

what the fuck.

i think this is where i have been telling myself, i need to get away for a few months in order not to see her face. funny, how she commented how she didn't have any jobs recently because she looks ugly. now thinking of it, she is ugly inside out. no wonder no jobs for her. she is jealous of other people, and when she has jobs, she criticizes so badly like God begs her to take up the job.

and she lied again how she has been praying more fervently for job opportunities. no she didn't. i'm always around when she prays, i know how quick she finishes her prayer. in fact, i have been putting in extra minutes to my prayers asking for wisdom for my research report.

maybe my life lesson now is to walk away from my mother. why spend another minute being unhappy like this? i'm hitting 40 next year.

and yea... i've been on nutang for what?? coming 20 years? geez!

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