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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
Breakfast at Facebook messenger
Sunday. 3.25.18 8:34 am
Geez. I spent a few minutes angrily at the FB messenger thanks to a person.

I don't know this person at all except knowing he shares similar network as me and worse he is from my office area. He is a PhD student and I have asked my colleague who knows him and I got to know he is quite OK. Anyways, he was the one who said hi to me first and I thought it was harmless to make a new friend since he is from the same place as me. No harm, right? Saw me sometimes on campus and just wave hi over FB sounds ok right?

It wasn't until this morning. He asked if I were attached. So I replied how's that related to you? He asked me to answer first. So I replied twice why you should know. He replied 'suspicious.' I flared up. What's so suspicious for not replying that question of yours when it's not your business to begin with? He then replied because he then whether can consider me or not.

Hold on.

When the hell our conversation is a playground for some lovers wannabe? I kept our conversation professionally though I can see through the earlier conversation that we had will be leading to something else. I gave the benefit of doubt alright but hey... it's pretty tiring to keep that in mind all the time right? So I just let it go and decided to let this flow wherever it wants to be.

I was wrong. I should just halt the conversation the moment he asked so what do you do at work.

You consider me. Have you even asked me if I were considering you either? Or even like you? What a Permanent Head Damage person. That's our local joke for people pursuing PhD.

I was just being nice. My friend has also once told me before that I am very friendly and it's easy to be approached, hence people tend to get some fucking weird idea.

Sigh. I have decided. I won't approve juniors or seniors or whoever I see they are from the same network dots for adding me on FB, which I already seldom do so. So now it's conversation time.

UGH.

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Moody gram
Saturday. 3.17.18 2:08 pm
I have been looking up at tutorial for snapseed to edit my photos. I recently caught the Instagram bug and trying to improve my photography creativity.

Why not? YOLO!

Here's a tutorial I am gonna try!

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Upbeat
Tuesday. 3.13.18 12:45 am
I like listening to this song due to its upbeat rhythm but I actually have not listened to it for years after I get to know it. Because listening to it reminds me of a person very badly. I am not allergic to him but it brought up painful emotions. After I managed to dissolve our relationship, I was able to listen back and regained my forgotten joy.

This song really makes me wanna sing along! Hope you all enjoy this song too! It's the Philippines Tourism song for 2011.

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Why bother
Friday. 3.9.18 3:22 pm
I actually wrote a pretty long entry and then I accidentally delete it. Oh fantastic renaye.

I will just summarise instead.

I was looking forward to meeting a friend in an event but no-show up left me kinda disappointed. My guts already told me I should not even attend the event given I was overwhelmed with my medical report and mum's medical condition that I spent a lot of uber trips just so I can attend.

It would be a lie to say I didn't regret for attending the event. My presence was not even needed. Well on the positive side, my presence would be great to show support to the organiser and co-organiser since I was the connector for these two parties. By all means, I should be there.

But if you have undergone the panic feeling when a medical doctor telling you "you need medication now' after receiving your report you would understand how I was feeling throughout the event. My brain was spacing and all I wanted was to get some relief for my condition.

I didn't know it has escalated to so something serious.

Beyond this worry, I cannot help myself thinking why I was so stupid for thinking this friend would even show up for this event?

Well, this person and many more have stopped interacting with me in any forms on social media. At the same time, these very people are still interacting, actively, be it like or respond to the posts of our mutual friends.

Why do I bother so much? Why do I feel so hurt when these friends stopped communicating with me?

Why can't I stop hurting? Why do I still bother? People don't see me anymore as friends other than some trash that is only useful whenever they need. I have lots of resources in the form of connections.

Why do I even bother to help? Why do I even bother to be in a clique that I don't even feel belong? Why do I feel that I am working so hard just to be part of something?

I got to move on! I got to release this so I won't feel stress from such matter!

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Ego
Saturday. 3.3.18 11:45 am
My ego somewhat is brushed.

I attended a course offered by this trainer because so many people commented how good she is. Though I was offered the lowest price, I didn't sign up until it went up to third lowest price. In the class, I was not really thrilled but I did learn something and had a new found perspective. Thereafter we were all offered the lowest price of a new course the trainer is creating. After conversion into my country's currency, it's quite a lot given that I am trying to clear off my debts. So I decided not to pursue even though the course will go up 5 times than the offered price but still I didn't budge.

So now, it has gone up to USD597. People are buying up due to the excitement. And suddenly I got pissed. I think the best way to describe me is like I was at a shopping mall with 70% discount on Prada and I didn't even buy it due to my indecisiveness and now the discount is already over! I kept asking myself why this feeling emerged.... do I really need that course? Can I live without that course?

I think I can make do without that course though it will help me a lot but I want to clear off my neverending debt. But why the feeling? Maybe I feel like a jilted lover or being sensitive for not being asked by the trainer personally to get the course before it got raised.

So why the feeling? Because I just want to have attention. That's all.

Though the course may help me, I really need to reprioritise things.

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Hey!
Saturday. 2.17.18 1:14 pm
Hey it's Chinese New Year! But it's just another holiday for me. A relaxing one that is.

I spent a lot of energy to clean my room so I am relaxing my muscle now. Oh yea, that's also because I was sick for the past few days due to food poisoning. I am fine with diarrhea because it's free detox! I don't understand why people are so afraid of diarrhea. You can consider mum and I crazy for welcoming diarrhea. It saves a few bucks on our detox stuff.

So what else did I do the past few days? Catching up on my anime. I dropped some anime which I was watching half-way. I am usually the type of completing them even though I dislike but this time I was courageous enough to drop. No point of investing in stories that don't benefit me. Won't you agree?

I am surprise that this time I am calm mentally that I won't be able collectt any red packet this year. Inside the red packet is money. =)

I am losing friends at a rapid rate too. I think it's time to replenish too. I have friends who stopped greeting me too. The worse of all we are playing the game of if-you-greet-me-I-will-greet-you-too-if-not-nope. I hated that. So I decided not to make any moves. I will only greet people who I know will reply me too.

Besides, I don't like friends who admonished me with sentences that rubbed me in the wrong way especially in the name of concern. Simply because I fucking never said in the same way they did so I appreciate if I were not given the same method. I have been a good listener to people but not the other way round. Next time, I should be paid for lending my ear. Hey that Japanese guy who is doing this as business is earning lucratively!

I should do the same thing too.

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